Wife of A Wounded Soldier

Giveaway: "Home Front" An Eye-Opening Book

2012-01-19T21:21:00.000-05:00

I was sent the book “Home Front” by Kristin Hannah a fewweeks ago. I started reading the book last week and I haven’t been able to putit down since I flipped open the first page. I finally finished it last nightand I am still thinking about it today.

The main character, Jolene is in the National Guard and hermarriage is on the rocks when she finds out she is being deployed to Iraq. Shehas a teenage daughter and a preschool age daughter and she feels extremelyguilty for serving her country. Her guilt is fueled by the fact that herhusband rarely spends any time with the family.

While Jolene is deployed, her husband, an attorney, gets a shockinglook inside combat PTSD. A client he represents kills his wife after returningfrom war.

The author did an amazing job of portraying the emotionsthat go along with preparing for a deployment and the guilt a warrior feelsleaving his or her family behind.

I was captured by the book when Jolene described herexperiences overseas, flying helicopters with her best friend. She experiencedmortar attacks, enemy fire, hero flights, transporting the wounded and seeinghorrific injuries. While reading the book I felt my emotions bubbling up in mychest. I kept trying to stuff them down but it was a very accurate portrayal ofwhat our warriors experience in combat and it uncovered some emotions I haven’tfelt in a while.

It wasn’t until Jolene and her best friend were severelyinjured and she lost part of her crew while taking enemy fire that the tearsstarted to flow. It was much like our story. It hit close to home.

It was heartbreaking to read how hard it was for Jolene tolearn how to walk again, relive her combat experiences through her dreams,reintegrate with her family and grieve her loss. Through this fictional book Iunderstood a little bit more what it was like for my husband to recover fromhis devastating injuries.

The last few pages were very emotional for me. As it came toa close I started to cry then I felt I should just let the tears flow. I can’tremember the last time that I cried but, it felt good.

My husband was asleep on the couch and I woke him up and criedin his arms. I felt I understood more about him by reading the book. Thank youKristin Hannah for writing about the struggles our wounded warriors face. Itwas truly an eye-opening book. Thank you for putting into words what my husbandmight have felt coming back, wounded, so that I could better understand.

I will be giving three copies away to my readers. Commentbelow on why you would like to read this book and leave your email address so Ican contact the winners. If you aren't a lucky winner you can buy the book.

Coming Jan. 31, 2012

Pre-order the hardcover edition of Home Front at these online retailers:

Pre-order the e-book edition:

Or you can check out Kristin's website.

We Can't Socialize Anymore

2012-01-10T20:30:00.000-05:00

We used to have parties with soldiers all the time and we went out more before he got blown up. But not anymore.

I have been feeling some sadness since Saturday night. We were invited to a get together with our friends, and all of their friends, at their house. I was really looking forward to it and Bryan said he would come along. The problem is that our friends had a lot of friends there and it was just too overwhelming for Bryan. I am so thankful that he tried going but part of me feels so sad that he just can’t handle it.

We started out in the kitchen and someone we had never met was talking to us, asking what we do, etc. Bryan could barely focus on what he was saying and he left the guy hanging a few times on his questions. Finally, we just ended the conversation and moved on. I started talking to my friend and her friends and felt so guilty leaving Bryan in the kitchen alone and overwhelmed. I excused myself and I asked if he was feeling overwhelmed. Of course he said "yes" so we moved to a less crowded area.

Then he completely zoned out. His eyes glazed over, he tuned everything out and sat there, lifeless. He focused on the football game on TV that was playing with no sound. He cares nothing about football. I chatted a bit with the lady next to me but it just got awkward. Finally, I asked him if he wanted to go and he said he did. We stayed just over an hour total. As we were driving home I felt sad for him, and me. I want to be a normal couple that can go to a party and socialize with complete strangers.

I love that we are both handling our situation better but really, I just wanted to cry. I felt such emptiness afterwards. I am thankful that our friends understand and don’t get offended if we need to leave. But, it is hard not to compare my old life to my new life. I want it back sometimes. It isn’t fair that we have to stay home, or go to restaurants at slow times, or do the same things every weekend. I don’t want to go without him either but sometimes it is just easier.

These are what what low days look like.

Where Are His Memories?

2011-12-14T18:11:00.000-05:00

Over the Thanksgiving holiday we spent time with Bryan’sbrother and his family. His brother reminisced about Bryan learning to driveand recalled that he was driving too fast. His dad, who was in the front seat,warned Bryan to slow down and he wouldn’t so his dad pulled the hand brake tomake him stop. His brother asked Bryan if he remembered this story and hedidn’t. After another conversation about another childhood memory later in theday Bryan’s mother asked if he remembered. Once again he had no recollection ofthe events they were talking about.

On the way home from his parents, a buddy on Facebook posteda quote from Bryan. It read, “ditch, ditch, DITCH!- Bryan Gansner” This young man was driving the Humvee the nightBryan got blown up. I asked Bryan if he remembered the quote. He didn’t so Iasked his soldier what happened. He replied, “We were pulling an all-night OP before amorning raid on a village and we were driving along a canal. I was headingstraight for square dip on the right side. He saw it and started saying ditch,ditch, DITCH! I was like what is going on right before I hit it and broke therim. First time I changed a Humvee tire in body armor. It makes me laugh everytime I think about it.” I asked Bryan if he remembered and he said, “It soundsvaguely familiar but no, I don’t remember.” We decided not to tell his friend thathe didn’t remember as to not hurt his feelings.

I milled over these missing memories for several weeks. Ihave so many memories from when I was a child, rich with details and heremembers nothing. I wanted to ask if he remembered our wedding. It was adouble-edged sword. If he says no, I will be heartbroken. If he says yes, I willbe relieved but would want to know exactly what he remembered. Finally, I gotup the gumption to ask him. I said “Do you remember anything about ourwedding?” His response was, “Yes, I remember two things.” That sinking feelingstarted to tug at my heartstrings. I said, “Ok, what do you remember?” He said,“I remember you walking down the beach and you looked beautiful and I rememberthese people kept walking by us while we were trying to get married and itpissed me off.” I responded, “I am glad that you remember what I looked likebut honey we did get married on a public beach in Kauai, Hawaii, so they hadthe right to walk by.” Now that I look back I see some re-integration troublesafter his first tour to Iraq.

Part of me feels heartbroken that he barely has any memoriesand part of me feels like I need to get over it and continue to document newmemories so that he can remember them. It doesn’t seem to bother him too muchthat he can’t remember his childhood, details from his deployments or even allthe details of his wedding but I haven’t gotten up the nerve to ask andpossibly open a can of worms. I wish those memories hadn’t vanished when thatbomb went off.

(This is where Bryan was sitting in the up-armored Humvee. His seat is soaked with blood and the floor was ripped open by the IED.)

My Wounded Warrior Family Selected For The Give Good Program

2011-11-28T21:30:00.001-05:00

It was extremely hard for me to pick one person to receive the Gift of Good sponsored by Home Depot. I am one of those people that feels guilty when I can't help everyone. We had some amazing heroes apply but I selected a young wounded warrior and his wife. Their story touched me for many reasons, here is their story.

Nick was a flight engineer on chinook in the 160th SOAR special operations unit in the Army from 2001-2010. He loved his job. He volunteered for all his deployments, which ended up being 7 times to Iraq and Afghanistan. This was his career. Nick was part of Operation Redwing, where 16, 160th soldier and Navy Seals were killed when their chinook was shot down. Nick was part of the team to recover the bodies of his best friends. This was very hard for him. He remembers all of it and has visions of this horrible experience. This was very hard for his wife, Mary as well. When the information was on the news that one of their helicopters were shot down, Mary knew there was a one in four chance it was her husband. Mary had to wait three days to get word on the names of the soldiers that were in the crash. That was the longest three days of her life.

Nick deployed after the incident, and this time he was not so lucky. He was on a mission to pick up some Special Forces troops in the mountains of Afghanistan. They were trying to do a ramp landing when the number one engine failed in the helicopter. The chinook crashed and rolled down the mountain. All Nick remembers is that the helicopter was filled with smoke and he couldn't breathe. He helped some other guys get out of the helicopter and they ran as far up the mountain as they could before the entire helicopter was engulfed in flames and destroyed. By a miracle nobody was seriously harmed. The entire crew had to wait on the mountain for three days to be rescued.

After he came home from this deployment, a chinook from his unit was flying around in the states, like they did almost everyday. That chinook ran into a TV tower and crashed. The crash killed everybody on board except one. Two of the soldiers that died were on the crash with Nick just a few months before. Nick's unit was was small and close knit, so this was a huge blow for him.

A few months later, Nick started noticing blood in his urine. He went in for just some normal tests, and they couldn't find anything. They did a scope of his bladder, and at age 27 Nick was diagnosed with bladder cancer. He had to go through treatment for many months, and it was very uncomfortable for him. He has been cancer free for five years, but recently Doctors have found more blood in his urine. Bladder cancer is one of the most recurrent types of cancer, so they are prepared for more surgery and treatment soon. Hopefully it will be nothing, and they are hoping for the best.

He has severe PTSD from the war and cannot work. Nick tries not to leave the house. He has went from active and strong to an introvert and a recluse. His only communication is with his wife.

Nick suffers from PTSD, extreme migraines 8-10 times a month, IBS, herniated discs and strain in his neck and back, and surgeries in both of his knees. In fact, they just spent time in the ER last week because Nick's back is so bad that he cannot walk. He is 32 years old. They moved to TN from GA where we were stationed for 9 years.

Mary and Nick Yasenak need your help to win the $20,000 in home repairs from Home Depot. What I need you all to do is to stop by the Home Depot Facebook page and vote for my sweet couple.

I Didn't Want To Go

2011-11-14T09:57:00.001-05:00

The first weekend in November I attended the second half ofa two-part trip to NYC to meet with the Writer’s Guild of America. There were39 other wives of wounded soldiers in attendance and it was sponsored by theWounded Warrior Project. We were there to learn how to better share our storiesand improve our writing skills. Both trips were fun, educational and full ofcamaraderie, but this trip was different than any I have been on before.

We went to the 9/11 memorial. I have avoided going for manyreasons. This was my third trip to NYC in a year and I couldn’t bring myself tosee the site where America was changed forever by terrorists. When thosefaithful towers fell I didn’t personally know anyone that was lost there and Ibarely knew anyone in the military and what the fall of those towers wouldeventually mean for them. I had the sinking feeling that because of 9/11 ourcountry would soon be at war but I had no idea how it would impact me.

That morning I and all the other caregivers were feelinganxious. While I knew it would be emotional, I also knew I needed to go. I feltit was my duty to pay my respects and see for my own eyes what directlyimpacted every American at that time and still does today, ten years later.Those terrorists are the reason my husband went to war and why he eventuallywould be blown-up by a terrorist.

We took the bus to the sight. We were running a bit behindschedule and the bus driver was rushing to get us there. He got on the PAsystem and said he just found out that he was taking wives of wounded soldiersto the memorial and he said he was a veteran as well. We all started clappingfor him. That is when my anxiety started to creep up. I felt it in every fiberof my body. I assumed I knew what impact it would have on me but didn’t trulyknow until I walked inside the museum.

There was a wall of faces and missing persons flyers. Thesefamilies were offering rewards for their loved ones to be found. The faces wereof those that died at the hands of terrorists. There were pieces of the planes and towers. There was a constant video reelplaying that told the stories of those that had suffered because of thisattack. My heart started to ache. I could feel emptiness in my bones. I feltlike I could vomit and I was choking back the huge lump in my throat. Iwandered off alone. I couldn’t see the other wives. It would be too painful.

I walked to the basement and started to look at littlechildren’s drawings of the planes sidelining the towers. I read letters fromall over the world from people who wrote what they felt on 9/11. I turnedaround and there was my dear friend with tears streaming down her face. Shelooked just as gutted as I felt. I grabbed her and we sobbed for a minutetogether. I look over and my other friend’s eyes were the most crystal blue andtears were streaming down her face. I wanted to run away. It felt too heavy.

We decided to get out of there before our allotted time wasup. We stood outside looking at the freedom towers that were being built aroundthe place where the World Trade Center fell. There was nothing really to say toeach other. A huge red truck pulled up with the American flag and POW/MIA flagwaved in the back and it was blaring God Bless America. I had a rush of chillsrun up my spine as that song always brings me to tears.

We walked over to the giant hole in the ground that is nowtwo sets of beautiful fountains. There was a massive fence to my right with allkinds of excavators still trying to clean up the mess that the towers made whenthey fell. I almost didn’t want to look at it. I felt like a voyeur staring atthe massive gravesite of so many. It felt like hallowed ground to walk on as Iknow so many lost their family members there. I sent up a silent prayer tothose who will always suffer because of that day.

The fountains were undeniably beautiful and breathtaking. Itried my hardest to get a beautiful picture but it doesn’t really do itjustice. The glowing names of those perished were inscribed on the wallsurrounding the fountains. I read them as I passed by and tried to envisionwhat they were like based on their names.

When the tour was over I felt relieved that I went. I thinkI needed to see it for some kind of peace and closure. I am thankful that I gotto see it with many other wives that were suffering the loss of our husbands atthe hands of terrorists and war. I know my husband will never be able to go toNYC, the streets are too busy and loud. But, I am blessed with the opportunityto go and share my losses with those that understand. I will never forget.

After spending myafternoon thinking about the families that lost so much because of 9/11 I gotan email from a widow whose husband was a firefighter near ground zero. I hadposted on twitter about a new program for veterans suffering with PTSD atHolliswood Hospital in NY. She happens to have started the yogaprogram with this program at Holliswood and felt compelled to email me. Westarted emailing back and forth and realized that I stood where her husband’sfire station was, Engine 10 Ladder 10.

It was like it was meant for us to talk.I found comfort in knowing how her family is doing ten years later and how sheused her tragedy to help families dealing with combat PTSD. What a blessing tobe able to connect with her and personally thank her for all that shesacrificed on the day that changed America.

Giving the Gift of Good, $20,000 to Help a Military Family

2011-11-13T11:17:00.001-05:00

Thursday I was flown to Atlanta by the Home Depot Foundation along with seven other bloggers. We were given the opportunity to give back to Quest 35. Their mission is to develop and implement affordable-supportive housing programs that service the special need homeless and/or low income populations. They were building a section of housing just for homeless veterans. I was extremely excited to give back and was thankful for such an amazing opportunity to give the gift of good.

While at dinner on Thursday night we got the news that were were going to be able to give good to a military family in our community by receiving a $500 Home Depot gift card to purchase holiday decorations for a local military family in need.

These families will also be entered into a contest to have Home Depot fulfill their “Wish List” of home improvements up to a retail value of $20,000. Items on the “wish list” are things that will make a real difference in the long term efficiency and comfort of the family’s home, including things like a new HVAC system, new carpet, a new roof and new windows. The winning family will be determined by votes on a Facebook application on The Home Depot page November 29th -December 9th and announced on December 14th. They have a one in eight chance of winning the large makeover.

If you know of a military family, veteran or wounded warrior that lives in Knoxville, TN and are in need, please have them email me at GiveGoodKnoxville@yahoo.com no later than November 19th.

To enter you must:

You must have proof of serving in the military.

You must prove that you are in need of this service. I will determine this on a case-by-case basis.

You must live in Knoxville, TN.

You must own your home.

In your email please include:

Name

Contact Information

City

Branch of Service

Your story/need

Here are some pictures from our service project.

Before

After

The bench that Karie and I helped build

The blogger team

The almost completed veteran's homes

Check out the other bloggers that get to give the gift of good:

Pensacola/Mobile http://beingthewifeofawoundedmarine.blogspot.com/2011/11/recieve-20000-in-home-improvements-from.html

Northeast Connecticut area http://mymilitarylife.com/2011/11/14/giving-good-and-20000-to-help-a-military-family/

Montgomery http://www.perfectlyimperfectblog.com/2011/11/the-home-depot-give-the-gift-of-good.html

Northern California http://www.centsationalgirl.com/2011/11/building-benches-the-gift-of-good/

Nation wide http://militaryblog.militaryavenue.com/2011/11/home-depots-give-gift-of-good-contest.html

Austin, TX http://livingwithlindsay.com/2011/11/giving-the-gift-of-good.html

Hoping to Promote Change

2011-11-03T18:21:00.001-04:00

Now that the drama with the hyperbaric oxygen therapy (HBOT)bill we received is settled, I think it is time for me to initiate some supportto get this treatment covered for other wounded warriors across the board.

HBOT has helped my husband with traumatic brain injury andothers even years after their injury occurred.

While HBOT helped my husband, the effects do not lastforever. He has lost some of the gains he received from his initial therapy.Still, the benefits of this therapy are huge. Now that we know that Tricarewon’t pay for everyone to use this therapy, I feel we need to make our congressmenaware of its benefits and push to have it covered by Tricare.

On February 4, 2011, "The TBI Treatment Act," HR396, was introduced in the 112th Congress by Congressmen Pete Sessions and BillPascrell and Todd Platts, co-chairs of the brain injury caucus. This is the re-introductionof HR 4568 from Congress’ last session. The bill is expected to have a Senatecompanion soon.

The bill requires the VA or Tricare to pay for any treatmentfor traumatic brain injury (TBI) or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) thatworks. The bill requires the VA or Tricare to pay for any treatment* fortraumatic brain injury (TBI) or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) thatworks. The bill language will cover the use and payment of HBOT treatments.Over and over, doctors have shown that the therapy helps veterans.

The bill language will cover the use and payment of HBOTtreatments. Over and over, doctors have shown that the therapy helps veterans.

Reports of recoveryafter HBOT treatment have been remarkable and consistent from physicians aroundthe nation.

Nearly every war veteran treated while they were in theservice had their career saved, had their medical board cancelled independentof their HBOT treating physician and returned to duty.

On average, using only half of the HBOT 1.5 protocol,blast-injured war veterans experienced 15 point IQ increases from post-injuryto post-HBOT 1.5 treatment, a 40% reduction in post-concussion symptoms, a 30%reduction in PTSD symptoms and a 51% decrease in depression. About 80% ofeveryone treated who was unable to work has returned to duty, work or school.About 55% no longer needed medication and the remaining veterans often neededless medication.

Though TRICARE has been paying intermittently and the VA haspaid occasionally, HBOT treatment for TBI and PTSD is not routine, even thoughTricare, VA and Medicare pay for 13 other approved HBOT indications. Note thatHBOT is already FDA-approved, and paid by these payers, for three kinds ofneurological indications and three kinds of non-healing wounds. The same cannotbe said for any of the FDA-Black labeled drugs routinely given to our veteranssuffering from TBI or PTSD.

The science is clear. HBOT is the only non-hormonalbiological repair and regeneration treatment approved by the FDA. There hasbeen a lack of understanding of the science about how oxygen heals. The beliefthat there is no treatment for brain injury has been the major hold-up for thisbreakthrough. There is in fact more evidence right now for HBOT 1.5 fortreating brain injury or PTSD than there was for tPA for stroke treatment orangioplasty when they were both approved by Medicare and paid throughout thegovernment system.

Please email your congressman and tell them how important itis for our veterans to receive HBOT treatment. Hundreds of thousands ofveterans need effective treatment now and this legislation will make itpossible.

Please help me in this effort to help wounded warriors getHBOT as part of their long term treatment plan. Visit this website to emailyour congressmen: http://www.hyperbaricmedicalassociation.org/387/default.nc?NoScript=1

*Specifically, the coverage will include treatmentsdelivered using an already FDA approved drug or device; that follow anIRB-approved protocol; or for which there is improvement on standardized independentpre-treatment and post-treatment neuropsychological testing or accepted surveyinstruments or neurological imaging or clinical examination.

A Lost Battle, Won

2011-10-07T13:56:00.000-04:00

A year ago this month I started the search for morehyperbaric oxygen therapy for Bryan for his brain injury. I started with phonecalls to Tricare agents to see if this treatment was covered and I was assuredit was.

A year later, roughly $40,000 in treatment was denied byTricare. We received huge EOBs and bills. I logged hundreds of hours trying tofigure out the issue. We have been blessed with amazing friends who helped usfight this battle and called in their contacts to help.

It was shortly after lunch yesterday when Bryan called mycell. He never calls me at work. He said, “I heard from UT hospital today aboutthe bill.”

My response was “and?”

He said, “They accepted our proposed settlement of $4,000and they will set up a payment plan.”

I literally jumped,shouted, praised God and exclaimed how happy I was. The total bill we received betweenthe hospital and the doctor that treated him was $28,924.00. The total bill wasreduced to $6,000.

I absolutely can’t believe it. I am so thrilled and sothankful. An enormous weight has been lifted off our shoulders. We can breatheeasier, we can relax again and we feel good knowing another battle is won.

Our work is not done though. I am willing to be the exampleif it promotes change. I hope that somehow, some way this treatment can beapproved for and purchased for our wounded warriors in the near future. Ithelped my husband and we wish he could have the boosters he needs for alifelong treatment plan. For now, however, that is not possible.

I am going to do whatI can to make more people aware of this treatment and how well it works. Itshould be used. I haven’t figured out yet how to do that but I hope by sharingthis within my blog it might bring more awareness.

A Lost Battle

2011-09-25T09:51:00.002-04:00

It has been almost a year since I spoke with Tricare about coveringadditional hyperbaric oxygen therapy for my husband’s brain injury. Thetreatment involves Bryan spending time inside a pressurized chamber where hebreathes 100 percent oxygen. Studies suggest the treatment may help improve hiscognitive skills lost in the blasts of Iraq. We felt that the therapy wasworking. Tricare told us they would cover it. We were thrilled.

Now, we have been told Tricare will not cover the massivebill and our lives have been a roller coaster ride. Medicare denied the claimand Tricare refuses to cover the treatments already rendered. We have lost thisbattle.

Tricare agents told us numerous times that the treatmentswould be covered once Medicare changed their denial code. However, now, we arebeing told different. A “Customer Care Agent” at Tricare did some digging andfound out that the agency only covers the use of HBOT for the diagnosis of TBIfor active duty. I am beyond upset. Tricare agents told us the wronginformation over and over. We have tried to get legal help through Veteran’sCounsel but they can’t help us. We are stuck with the bill.

I have a wounded warrior wife friend who knows how to handlethese issues and she graciously offered to help me write letters and keep sane. We wrote a demand letter to the hospital that treated himand asked for a settlement. We gave them 10 days to respond, but that day, September6th has come and gone with no response. Our account has been sent to acollection agency. We were given no notice that this would happen. We were toldrepeatedly that the hospital was holding the account until we exhausted all theappeal processes. I hope every day that I will hear something, but I don’t.

I have contacted our congressman and he is trying to help. Hehas told us that he has made the appropriate phone calls and he will providemore information when he has it. If this doesn’t work I have no idea how we aregoing to pay the bill.

It is hard to not feel bitter, enraged, cheated, lied to andleft high and dry for a bill that should be covered since Bryan sacrificed somuch for this country. We received a grant from Healing Heroes Network to payoff the doctor’s portion of the bill. It was originally a much higher bill butonce he found out it wasn’t being paid by insurance he reduced the bill. Ican’t expect, nor would I ask, for non-profits to pay for a bill this enormous.This wrecks our plans, our financial stability and Bryan’s credit.

It is hard to not feel resentment that his injuries were nottaken care of. This treatment gave us hope and our marriage back. We will workit out, we always do and we have one more person that might be able to help. I just feel disgusted. I feel like running away from this$20,924.00 bill.

5th Alive Day

2011-07-28T20:59:00.002-04:00

It is hard for me to fathom that Bryan’s fifth “Alive Day” is today – the day an IED ripped his legs apart and left him with a brain injury and post traumatic stress disorder. It is the day he nearly died. We had all our friends and family over for his “Alive Day” party this past weekend. It is great to celebrate his life, his accomplishments and his health. However, I think this is the last celebration. It’s been five years and we have been working so hard to accept our new normal that it is time to move on. In many ways it feels like yesterday that I got the call, notifying me about his injuries. The memories come flooding back of all that we have been through. It hasn’t been an easy road nor will to continue to be. But I feel like we have made progress and are now better equipped to handle nightmares, flashbacks, pain, memory issues, medical appointments, the endless red-tape, and our marriage overall. It has been a huge adjustment but I think we have reached the point of acceptance.

Walter Reed shut down this week and that also brings back a lot of memories. I remember trying to find Ward 57 by myself as I prepared to see Bryan for the first time after he was injured. I was so scared of what I would see when I opened the door to his room. I remember the smells, the faces laying in the hospital beds and the long wait through each of his 15 surgeries. I remember how hard it was to manage the red tape, the appointments, the medicines, and the wound dressings, when I was overly tired and Bryan was in extreme pain. I will never forget how dirty the hospital was. I remember heating water from the sink in the microwave in a large puke bucket and carrying it up and down the hall so I could bathe him. I remember the first time I cried. I hoped to forget the cafeteria food, but that hasn’t happened yet.

It has been an emotional week flooded with memories and some sadness. While things have not been all bad since he was hurt, we haven’t had a normal marriage either. I feel he has prevailed through the worst of it and has finally accepted who he is now. We did get some good news on his toxic embedded shrapnel test-- he isn’t filled with abnormal levels of toxins or uranium. I am still fighting the payment for hyperbaric oxygen therapy and I am hoping this will be resolved soon. There are screws poking out of his heel which we are hoping don’t need to be taken out soon. These kinds of things will always be a part of our life, but that is alright. He is alive and he is here with me. Our marriage has survived and I look forward to more long term plans instead of seeing only the near future. We are blessed.

If you want to read about the day I got the phone call that changed our lives click here.

What happens if your wounded warrior or veteran passes away

2011-07-10T17:48:00.001-04:00

Recently I have heard of several wounded warriors passing away years after their injury. My friend Karie lost her husband unexpectedly years after his injury. The benefits she was or wasn’t entitled to were unclear to her. I am sure most of us weren’t briefed on these kind of details either when medically retiring or entering the VA system. While it is horrible to think about, I felt that I needed to collect more information so we could all be prepared if this happened to us. I contacted our local veterans’ benefits coordinator to get the answers to my questions and I am sharing them with you. While the following provide an overview of what I discovered, please contact your local veteran’s benefits coordinator for details or questions that you may have.

Does disability pay stop immediately? As far as the benefits, yes. The veteran’s check stops and the VA is usually quick to stop the check to prevent overpayments. If there is an overpayment, the VA will recoup that check/direct deposit. They will usually reissue the last month’s check to the widow. If applicable, the spouses need to apply for Death Indemnity Compensation (DIC) as soon as possible.DIC is short for Death Indemnity Compensation. It is payable to the spouse of a service member or veteran who die from a service-connected disability or die on active duty.

How much does the VA pay for funeral costs? Veterans receive $300 per plot and $300 for burial costs if the death is not connected to service. They receive $2,000 if the death is service-connected. If they are buried in a federal or state-run veterans’ cemetery, the spouse does not receive the plot benefit.The VA also has the Non-Service Connected Death Pension benefit. This is a needs-based program that widows must apply for. It depends on their situation and the circumstance surrounding the veteran’s death.

Do they get to keep their insurance? Tricare or Champ VA? Champ VA, yes. As long as they do not remarry. You can't have both Tricare and Champ VA. Widows who have Tricare but are eligible for Champ VA, get Tricare. In most cases, DIC and benefits stop if the spouse remarries.
What happens to the GI Bill if the warrior didn't use it? If the veteran transferred the Post 9/11 to the spouse/children, they can still use it. The benefits had to have been transferred while the veteran was on active duty, drilling Reservist or in the Guard. The benefits cannot be transferred after death. If the Veteran paid the $1,200 into the Montgomery GI Bill (does not apply to Post 9/11) and the Veteran never used it, then the surviving spouse can request the money.

Does the spouse get any other education benefits? If the death is service-connected, the spouse and children are eligible for Chapter 35, Dependents Educational Assistance. If the death is not service-connected there are no additional educational benefits.

If the death isn't service-connected, what benefits do they lose? When a veteran dies, the service-connected disability payments the veteran was receiving stops. The surviving spouse needs to reapply as soon as possible for DIC, if the death was service-connected. This means the veteran’s death was related to the service-connected disabilities. The VA also has the Non-Service Connected Death Pension benefit. This is a needs-based program.

What benefits do widows receive if the death is service-connected? DIC of $1,156 per month, Champ VA medical insurance, unless they receive Tricare, and Chapter 35 Dependents Educational Assistance.

If the spouse elected to receive Survivor Benefits Plan when does that kick in? SBP is a DOD program that retirees can sign up for when they retire. It allows the surviving spouse to continue to receive a portion of the retiree’s retirement pay when the veteran passes away. DFAS works these claims as it is not a VA program. The spouse has to apply for SBP through DFAS. If you call DFAS at 800-321-1080, DFAS will send the proper forms. Due to federal regulations, the spouse cannot normally receive DIC and SBP at the same time. There are exceptions, depending how much each pays. Usually the spouse will receive DIC and get back all monies paid into SBP. It is very confusing.

Does the VA pay for the autopsy? The decision to perform an autopsy depends on the manner and location of death and the availability of the veteran’s surviving spouse or next of kin. For specific details check this website

Does Veterans’ Group Life Insurance pay in the case of suicides? Yes, there is no exclusion for suicides.

For more information on specific details of survivor benefits, check out this website.
Keep in mind some of the numbers on this website are incorrect due to COLA increases.

Another notable resource for military widows is the Gold Star Wives of America. The group has chapters nationwide and is actively involved in lobbying Congress for better benefits for veterans and widows.

Things Are Not What They Appear

2011-06-09T16:41:00.001-04:00

A couple of weeks ago I was sharing with someone a little about our story, about Bryan’s wartime injury. The first words out of this person’s mouth were, “he appears to be fine.” That is one of the most frustrating statements someone could ever say to me or my husband. This person had just met us and made a snap decision about our life in two hours time. This kind of comment discounts all the pain and suffering Bryan endures.

What is worse is this is not the first time I’ve received this comment. If this person would have looked at the damage to Bryan’s legs, revealed by the shorts he wore that day, they could have seen the lasting damage. What they cannot see is the damage to his brain tissue, the incurable PTSD, the anxiety and the depression that all linger long after the deployment. Instead, I replied with a simple “he might appear OK but he still suffers,” and ended the conversation.

I don’t think people realize that statements like that hurt. My husband has both visible and invisible injuries. Sometimes people notice the scars on his legs and ask what happened. Sometimes they don’t. I know people don’t really know what to say to someone with serious injuries but saying he appears OK is not the best option.

My husband really tries his best at all times to hide his injuries. He overcompensates at work because he knows he is slower or forgetful sometimes, both side effects of the damage to his brain. He tries to fight his PTSD and go into large crowds, social gatherings or concerts but it is hard for him. Veterans who suffer from PTSD quickly feel anxious and often threatened among crowds or loud and noisy places. Their minds instantly transport them back to the places where they were injured. It is impossible to feel safe.

Bryan has spent countless hours in treatment. There is no cure for PTSD and the success of treatments varies widely from patient to patient. It’s a slow process and a disease that can be completely debilitating. Still, we work and strive for recovery.

I am proud of him for trying to fit in and not make excuses for how he feels. This week has been especially hard —he has had a headache every day, another side effect of the injury. To make up for what he sees as a weakness, he works late when he isn’t feeling well. Now, his headaches seem to be more frequent and won’t go away.

I just wish that people would realize that things are not what they seem. Don’t discount or degrade what others have experienced. Just listen and try to understand.

We Need More Support--Period.

2011-05-11T18:58:00.001-04:00

This weekend a reporter from the Huffington Post came to our house to interview Bryan, myself and our friend Karie, whose husband Cleve was also injured in Iraq. Cleve passed away a year ago from an accidental overdose of medications prescribed to him by the VA while at an inpatient, PTSD program.

The reporter tells us he isn’t sure of the exact direction of the story but he is interested in learning more about the kinds of support the government and VA gives caregivers. We went to a non-working dinner with him Friday night and spent Saturday on our back deck detailing the time line of the injuries, our families’ friendships and the devastation of Cleve’s death.

It was emotional.

When I tell the story from start to finish the memories and loss come flooding back. The fights, the grief, the moments of hope, the disappointments of Bryan’s medical care not being covered—it’s all there. I have never had a reporter sit and listen for hours to our story. I have never had someone interested enough to want to tell our story and change the way wounded warriors are treated so other families don’t have to suffer.

I hope his story does some good. When my husband was lying in the hospital bed at Walter Reed I asked point blank if his medical needs would be taken care of. Doctors promised they would.

They haven’t.

We are now appealing our case to Medicare because the wording on the bill was incorrect. Tricare won’t pay either for the same reason. Now, we have $35,000 in unpaid medical bills arriving at our house on a daily basis.
This has to change and stop for others.

During our talk with the reporter, listening to Karie relive the same emotions I felt was painful. I felt like my chest was closing up and I couldn’t breathe. My heart was pounding . She is doing so well but she will never get over what happened to her husband.

The reporter eventually asked the question that they all ask: “What do you see for your future?”

This question always stops me in my tracks. We have been simply surviving for so long that the future is measured in seconds, minutes, hours, or days. I have ideas of what I want to do in the future but it’s hard to see the forest for the trees.

My sole focus right now is to get Tricare to pay his medical bills. Then I can breathe. Eventually, I want to earn my master’s degree. Bryan has also expressed interest in attending school but who really knows? Things, for the most part, have been stable for over a year. But there always seems to be something that pops up and zaps every ounce of our stability and peace.
I am looking forward to reading this reporter’s article. I hope it opens it helps to show the VA and the DoD what is really going on with our wounded warriors.

We need more support—period.

Milblogging Conference

2011-04-26T20:45:00.000-04:00

I am headed to the Milblogging Conference in DC this weekend. I get to see one of my wounded warrior wife friends at the conference and meet a few people I have met in the blogsphere. After the conference is over three other wounded warrior wives and myself will be having a slumber party. It is going to be great. I admire these ladies so much and thankful to have them in my life.

Also I was nominated for best military spouse blog for the milbloggie award. You can vote for my blog and other amazing blogs here.

A Day in my Life

2011-03-24T17:15:00.000-04:00

6 a.m.
I actually don’t have to be up until 7 a.m. but this is when Bryan’s series of alarms start. He needs the repeated alarms to get out of bed every day. The first one rang at 6:00, he hit snooze and the second alarm came at 6:05. He hit snooze again. Sometimes he might get up on the third alarm but usually, it’s not until the fourth. I laid there wishing I could sleep until my alarm goes off at 7:00. His legs ache every morning. He is stiff so he has to move around through the series of alarms until he drags himself out of bed.

He showered while I threw a pillow over my head to try and drown out the sounds. I am not a morning person. My alarm finally rang and Bryan brought a cup of caffeine to my bedside table. I smile every morning when he brings it because he is doing something sweet for me - a huge step for someone with TBI/PTSD. We met in the kitchen where he ate breakfast and I watched him pour out his pills and take them.

He has another sinus infection and a horrible cough so today he took another pill that isn’t in his normal collection. He develops bronchitis every three to four months now. Before his injury, he rarely became sick.
Bryan has been having some issues with his PTSD so we were off to the doctor. He needed to be seen, soon. I was surprised they worked him in since he called several months ago to talk about these issues and the earliest appointment was months later. The VA is always so backlogged that you can’t expect a quick appointment. It was comforting that they worked him in so quickly.

We arrived at the VA outpatient clinic at 7:45 for his 8:00 and checked in.

They asked about his job and insurance carriers. They copied his Tricare and Medicare cards. We thought this was strange since the VA should cover his care and not worry about what other insurance he has.

We headed down to the purple team hallway after a series of lefts and rights. Bryan reminded me that it was confusing the first time he came because he couldn’t remember how many lefts and rights he was supposed to take. I made a mental note to e-mail his case manager later to remind her of this and suggest that they post signs on the wall to direct the veterans.

We sat in the waiting area and talked.

Once we were called in to the psychiatrist’s office, we realized we were not seeing Bryan’s normal doctor since it is a last-minute appointment. She spent about five minutes going over his symptoms and told him to go up on one of his meds and in two weeks go down on another. She refilled his meds and sent us home with instructions for the new dosages.

Noon
I returned home and received flowers from a friend of mine. She is so thoughtful. She knew we were having a rough week and wanted to cheer me up. I am so blessed by the amazing women that support me.

I opened my computer and responded to a few emails for Operation Homefront’s Wounded Warrior Wives.

I checked the Wounded Warrior Wives facebook page and responded to some of our amazing caregivers and posted a new topic. I watched as they responded and shared information with each other. I am blessed with the opportunity to work with the most amazing women.

I received an email from Healing Heroes Network. They are a great organization that helps wounded warriors with treatment needs that aren’t covered by the VA or other insurances. I needed to email back a HIPPA release and a copy of the large statement we received from the University of Tennessee that my husband and I are currently appealing with Tricare for non-payment.

7 p.m.
Our dog Trixie was at the window, waiting for her daddy to come home. Trixie and Bryan have a special bond and she is very healing for him. Bryan always wanted his own dog so we adopted her the day after he was medically retired.

8 p.m.
I finished our day with a healthy meal and Bryan retreated to the basement with Trixie. I worked on my computer and watched some TV. Bryan coughed so much through the night that he slept in the basement in an upright position to help with the congestion.

At the end of every day, I reflect on what a wonderful support group I have. Even though they don’t live here, they support me from afar. I always try to find a way to melt away the stress from a large hospital bill looming over my head or when I see my husband in pain. I think some days it is hectic and hard to stay positive but I know that I am blessed my wounded warrior is still here with me today.

Another Battle

2011-03-23T20:41:00.002-04:00

We have entered another battle.

Bryan has been using hyperbaric oxygen therapy (HBOT) to help treat his TBI. The therapy administers high pressure oxygen to help the blood flow in his brain. And, it’s working.

Bryan has better memory function, fewer PTSD episodes, less impulsiveness and better brain function. Still, his improvement does not seem good enough to justify the insurance companies paying for it.

Medicare denied the $9,0000 claim for HBOT. Now, Tricare is denying the claim as well even though they said they would pay once Medicare denied it. The hospital has appealed it as far as they can and they told us that the patient needed to appeal it now.

I’ve mailed his appeal paperwork but we are still receiving bills - $9,000 worth that is due now. We have another $20,000 in outstanding bills from the therapy. We don’t have that kind of money lying around. I know for a fact that Tricare paid for this same treatment for another wounded warrior. Why are they discriminating against my husband? Why are they making us fight? I am so tired.

This is our first appeal with Tricare and luckily another wounded warrior wife who has done this many times before is helping out. We couldn't be more thankful for the guidence.

What I don’t understand though is that even though my husband has three insurance companies covering him not one wants to pay for a therapy that works? The HBOT gives him gains that he has never made with pills or therapy.

I just hope we can get this worked out as soon as possible. I am so stressed over this and it isn’t healthy. I know it is stressing Bryan out too even though he doesn’t really have to deal with the paperwork issues.

I feel that the insurance companies want to cause families stress. I feel that they don’t want these warriors to make gains by thinking outside the normal box for treatment. I feel they want to waste time and money in appeals and make it a difficult trying process for families.

If Tricare does not pay for these services we could be in long term financial ruin. I need prayers, hope, the will to keep pushing, and patience. Luckily, I don’t give up so easily. So now, I will put on my proverbial boxing gloves and get this taken care of.

My Nightmares

2011-02-23T08:02:00.000-05:00

Bryan luckily doesn’t remember what his nightmares are about. I can never forget the way he hyperventilates, shakes, runs his hand over me to “check me” and shouts things in military terms. And since he was injured, I have begun having extremely vivid nightmares myself.

In these nightmares, I can smell blood. The scent lingers when I awake. I am usually being attacked, falling or scared in the nightmares. I cry in my sleep and I feel like I am trapped in my dreams. You know the sensation of falling and you know you need to wake up before you hit? This is how it feels to be stuck in my dreams. Often, Bryan has to wake me up. He says I talk and cry but it takes him a while to snap me out of it. I don’t think I have ever talked about it before but I think this is probably a common issue for wives of wounded warriors.

I have several dreams each night and I remember almost all of them. I can see new military helicopters and vehicles that I am sure had never been invented. They are bombing me or we are rolling over IEDs. I have always been a vivid dreamer but never did I have nightmares several times a week. I also have nightmares about the battle’s aftermath. I dream about being stuck at the VA or Walter Reed. In my dreams I relive the agony of dressing Bryan’s wounds. It’s something I will never forget.

The nightmares stop me from ever falling into a deep, comfortable sleep. Instead, I am a light sleeper. When Bryan’s legs move all night because he is sore, I feel it. I wake up immediately if he is having a nightmare and I don’t go back to sleep.

Until recently, I required ten hours of sleep per night because I was so exhausted. But the nightmares began the day after I received the devastating call that Bryan was injured. That night, I dreamt that his soldiers were also injured.

I saw images of what it might have looked like when Bryan was first injured. I saw the terrorist’s face that did this to him. I didn’t sleep for days, haunted by these images. Four years have passed and I had hoped the nightmares would be gone. But here I am, still processing my trauma through nightmares.

Interviews and Guest Blogs

2011-02-04T19:46:00.003-05:00

Over the past couple of months I have guest blogged or been interviewed by a couple of different websites. The links are below if you are interested in reading. These guest posts are raising awareness for Operation Homefront's Wounded Warrior Wives as well. I am thankful for the opportunity.

Like it for TIME Since TIME’s first issue in 1927, through all the wars, the Military Family has never been Person of the Year. After a decade of wars in the Middle East, it’s TIME.

Rudy Giuliani was chosen for Person of the Year following the September 11 attacks because he “embodied what was really most important, what we learned about ourselves, which was that we could recover,” a TIME editor explained.

The military family embodies what is most important, what we learned about ourselves, after a decade of war and multiple deployments: undeniable resilience and dogged support through year after year of painful, and sometimes permanent, family separations.

Family Fountain Blog is written by Warren Baldwin and he and his wife are shining examples of how to have a strong marriage.

Her War Her Voice supports Soldiers, Marines, Airmen, and Sailors by supporting their loved ones.

Identity

2011-01-24T12:09:00.001-05:00

When I became a Wounded Warrior Wife in 2006 it became my identity. Caring for my husband’s every need was what came first and foremost. I spent my days at the hospital and my nights waking to give him medication or to calm him after a nightmare. We did everything in our power to find treatments, research symptoms, compare medications and figure out why things weren’t right. We did a lot of work together and being a WWW quickly became my identity.

I soon lost myself in his care. I followed him around, answered the doctors’ questions, spoke with case managers and filed the paperwork. I didn’t care for myself and I was fully immersed in his care. Further down the road of recovery I had to let things go. We both needed him to start caring for himself. I needed to quit being his mother. It was hard for both of us to let go. I felt anxious and grief when I did not attend his appointments.

Now, four years later, I realize that “wife of a wounded warrior” is no longer my identity. We don’t feel the need to tell everyone we meet that he was blown up. We have other interests than dealing with the VA, the army, benefits, and the frustrations of his injury. I started volunteering. I work longer hours at my job. I take care of myself. I feel that we are in a healthier place because of this.

I see others that are still wrapped up fully in that identity of wounded warrior wife. When you are dealt that situation, it is easy to feel hopeless. Trust me, I have felt that things would never get better or level out.

However, if we don’t let go of some of the stress and the workload, we will hold on to this as our identity forever. I know it is hard for those that provide 24/7 care to release that as their identity. I see those wives who are providing around the clock care also serve others or help out families in similar situations.

I truly feel that we were dealt this hand to not only help our own families, but so that we can give back to others. Wounded Warrior Wife doesn’t have to be our identity. It can be a vehicle to help others and a time to learn. If we can learn to let go, just a little, it comes full circle and we can use what we’ve learned in that role to help many, many others.

Mirroring

2011-01-13T16:32:00.001-05:00

There is a term used in psychology that is called mirroring. Mirroring is the behavior in which one person copies another person usually while socially interacting with them. It may include miming gestures, movement, body language, muscle tension, expressions, tone, eye movement, breathing, tempo, accent, attitude, choice of words/metaphors and other aspects of communication. It is often observed among couples or close friends. We all do this naturally but I feel I do it even more when dealing with my husband in social situations and his PTSD.

To make Bryan more comfortable I mimic his tone and body language. My husband has never been an overly loud, animated, or bubbly person. I think the Army trained him to be calm, cool and collected at all times. For a very long time Bryan never got excited. In social situations it made him very uncomfortable for me to be overly excited or outgoing. When we entered a room full of people he darted to the corner. If I got too loud he said so in front of others. While it was embarrassing, I understood that it was just too overwhelming for him. Now, to make things go more smoothly, I mimic his actions.

I also repeat his words in the same tone when he is having trouble understanding so that he can hear what he asked or said before I respond. I never realized how much I do this until we are in a social situation. He is uncomfortable meeting new people so I follow his cues. I mimic his body language and pay close attention to his eyes and breathing. If he is flat in his expressions I try not to be overly expressive.

My personality is one that is outgoing and I get excited over little things. I love being high energy and outgoing but sometimes I have to step back and see if I am being detrimental to my husband’s level of comfort. Mirroring has drawbacks. When I mirror my husband, it takes away from my personality. Sometimes, I have to hold back. But, I think for anyone that is dealing with someone who has PTSD or a brain injury, it is important to mirror them. I am able to get Bryan out into social situations and make him comfortable. We all do it naturally, but those of use dealing with serious injuries probably make more of an effort.

Christmas and New Year

2011-01-03T16:07:00.004-05:00

This Christmas was the most amazing holiday I think I have ever had. We attended a party with my husband’s co-workers at the bowling alley. His boss and I had a discussion that brought tears to my eyes. It was everything I could do not to burst into tears and hug him. I am thankful that he has such amazing co-workers and that they understand his situation and needs.

My husband was so excited on Christmas morning that he was childlike. We awoke to snow. It had been 17 years since Nashville had a white Christmas. That made me more excited for all the blessings that I received that day. The thing that meant the most was that Bryan attended Christmas Eve candlelight service with my family. Bryan has not been to church since he was injured and I was so thankful that he did. The tears wanted to come during the service but I choked them back. I felt humbled and overwhelmed with gratitude.

I was blessed with wonderful gifts and the comfort of being around my family. My husband had very few situations when he wanted to withdraw. It was so much fun to watch him play with my little cousins and shoot Nerf guns with them. It is amazing the difference a year makes. I can say that last year I didn’t have hope for the following year. I am so glad that I stuck it out.

The Monday following Christmas we headed to Washington D.C. Bryan and I brought a robot so that he could drive it on the field to deliver the game day ball at the Military Bowl Game. I know he was nervous that something would happen with the robot and it would malfunction. Luckily, it did not. He was prepared and had all the extra things that he needed. After the ball was delivered he drove a coffee cup to the ESPN reporter and shot some game day footage with the robot’s camera. It all went very smoothly. Unfortunately, the prior game ran over so the ball being delivered wasn’t shown on TV. Attached is the footage with the reporter.

We were able to visit with some friends while we were there and meet new friends. We met a Wounded Warrior and his wife for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory on Thursday night. She volunteers with Operation Homefront and does a lot for families like hers. It was so great to meet them and it felt like we had been friends for years. We really need someone like them, who understands, to live closer to us to hang out with. We had so much fun with them that we invited them to join us for a charity event on New Year’s Eve at the Washington Navy Yard. The event was for Pets2Vets which places dogs with veterans suffering from PTSD and TBI. We couldn’t think of a better way to spend the holiday.

They did have a loud band that played at the event which made it hard on our Wounded Warriors but they both coped really well. We left at 12:03 because Bryan just couldn’t handle it anymore. Overall, it was a wonderful trip and I am glad that we went. Life couldn’t get any better at the moment and we are looking forward to an even better 2011.

Robot Delivering Game Ball

NYE

I am also doing Project 365 and started a seperate blog for it. You can follow here.

New York City

2010-12-20T08:09:00.000-05:00

Karie, her friend, and I went to New York City last weekend. When Karie,wife of a wounded Marine, and I first met in person on the caregivers retreat in Nashville we said we wanted to go to NYC. One of the counselors from the retreat lives there and we were able to see her on this trip. It was so good to see her and was a bit emotional for all of us. She was the one that helped me do some crisis intervention with Bryan last year and I also talked to her after Karie’s husband passed away. She helped me know how to be there for Karie and what resources were available for her. After the funeral, Karie and I got serious about going and we decided that before Christmas was perfect timing.

Karie’s friend, who also came along, has been a great friend to Karie for a long time. I met her at the funeral and it was great to hang out again under better circumstances. It was nice to be away and not be stressed for an entire weekend. We went to Top of the Rock, ate at Rockefeller Center where we watched the ice skaters and saw the famous tree while dining. We saw the play “Chicago”, ate a wonderful steak dinner (thanks AJ Maxwells for donating the gift card), shopped, visited the Plaza, and overall just had a wonderful time.

It is so great to see Karie doing so well after such tragedy and heartache. I am lucky to have her as a friend. I always feel that people are placed in our lives for reasons and I am thankful to have her support. I feel like she is my sister, I want to check in to make sure she is really OK. It is always good to be around people that know what I have been through and can truly understand me. We need to make sure we see each other as often as we can.

I, of course, missed my husband but being a prior Army family, being away for a weekend isn’t a big deal. I think he misses me a little while I am gone too. There was some drama on the flight back. We got delayed out of the gate and when we arrived it was so cold in Charlotte that the jet bridge wouldn’t work. I ran with about eight other people to the connecting flight. They didn’t hold the plane for us. I ended up staying the night in Charlotte in a scary hotel and headed out bright and early the next morning. I made it home safe and sound and was thankful to be home with my husband. The house was clean and he didn’t spend a ton of money while I was gone. What a wonderful and successful trip.

Reminders

2010-12-08T15:35:00.000-05:00

It is hard to not think about my warrior being wounded every day. I try not to dwell on the fact that he is physically or emotionally wounded but almost every day I see a reminder. I see him get ready for bed and I see his leg - it looks like it has been run through a meat grinder. It still shocks me every time I see it: the huge indentation in his thigh where he is missing muscle, the skin graft scar that is purple and red, the black pepper of shrapnel throughout his entire leg, the calf muscle that was cut repeatedly, the bumpy uneven skin. It is a reminder that he will never be the same.

My husband was an amazing runner before he got hurt. He could run two miles in 10 minutes. I can’t and don’t run. He will never be able to run again. All he wanted when he got out of the Army was to get a dog and go running with it. We got the dog the day after he retired but he can’t run with her. When he tries it’s a form of a wobble and hobble jaunt. That is a reminder.

A couple of weekends ago Bryan was trying to put down some tile in the kitchen. It was a small project but he was finding excuses for months not to do it. He knew he would get frustrated. He knew it wouldn’t be as easy as it once was. He knew it would go wrong. What happened? The thin set wasn’t going down properly. He got angry and frustrated. After a slew of about 50 curse words he slung the trowel on the floor. Thin set pasted itself to the fridge, the floor and the cabinets. That made him angrier. I could feel my heart beating rapidly. I could feel my cheeks getting hot. The dogs ran and hid. I went to the basement because listening to him was upsetting me. That too was a reminder.

I wish that at some point the reminders will go away. I love where we are at in our life but sometimes it isn’t easy to overlook what he goes through. I think we have just finally accepted this is how it is. I think it is OK to have reminders. Reminders might bring up the pain but they also remind you of where you have been, that you are alive and that you thrive.

Thankfulness on Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T13:31:00.000-05:00

This is Thanksgiving week and I have so many things to be thankful for. This year has been a complete change from previous holidays we have had since my husband was injured. Last year was hell, Bryan’s PTSD was untreated, he was in so much pain, and I couldn’t help him no matter how hard I tried. This year is much different. He said to me yesterday that he is so excited for Christmas. Christmas is his favorite holiday and last year he didn’t even care. He didn’t want to swap gifts or be around family. This year is so different. My heart leapt for joy just hearing him say, “I can’t wait for you to open my present.” He has always gotten so excited to give others their gifts, not to open his own. That is what the holidays are all about. I’ve gotten him something pretty special too but he has to wait and see.

I am thankful that I met my husband eight years ago. I am thankful that he survived three deployments and still says he would do it all over again despite being hurt. I am thankful for the men that answered the call to give more blood to Bryan because they ran out and he needed it. I am thankful that I was able to be by his side through his most horrible days. I am thankful that we get to spend the holidays around our family and not at the hospital. I am thankful that we are able to work and have insurance. I am thankful that we can put food on the table. I am thankful that Bryan is able to continue HBOT for his brain injury. The list could go on and on. We are finally happy, that is the best thing to be thankful for.

With Bryan’s injuries we have been blessed tenfold because of the people we have met. We have met complete strangers who have become part of our family. They love us, check in on us, and we would have never met if he wasn’t hurt. I have met some of the strongest men and women I know and I am thankful to call them our friends. We have met some of the most patriotic and caring Americans. We have friends who understand what we are going through. Life doesn’t get any better than that. We hope that one day we can pay it all forward and give back to those that have given so graciously to us. Happy Thanksgiving!

Guest Blog: Thoughts about PTSD, by Elizabeth Brundage

2010-11-17T15:03:00.006-05:00

When I started writing my novel A Stranger Like You I didn’t know that I would be writing about PTSD. Then one day our TV broke and I had to call for service. I had just gotten out of the shower when I heard the guy at the door. I threw on some clothes and wrapped my head up in a towel. When I answered the door I explained that I had just gotten out of the shower and he replied, wryly, “I’m used to towel heads, I just got back from Iraq.”

In that moment, the character of Denny Rios was born.

I took a closer look at the man’s face and saw something there – a reflection of what he had witnessed, perhaps, a kind of heat that made him look scalded. He moved like a soldier. He had come in to do a job and he was going to get it done.

In the novel, Denny has just come back from his tour and is in the throes of PTSD, but doesn’t know it. He can’t define it, doesn’t have a name for what’s going on with him. He was part of the invasion in 2003 – it’s now 2005, and he still can’t figure himself out. He feels stuck in an ambiguous place – the dangerous landscape of his mind. He felt bad about his situation and sometimes, in a weird way, he almost missed the war, even though not a day went by that he didn’t hate it with every cell of his body. Still, you could get used to hating something. He missed his M16. His weapon was like an old girlfriend who’d walked out on him and there was just this empty space now. Being without it gave him an ache in his belly. Sometimes he couldn’t eat. Sometimes he would wake up with a start with his heart going about a million miles a minute and all he could do was cry. He was not the sort of person who cried easily, but now he cried all the time.

In order to attempt to fully understand what PTSD does to a person, I began researching the topic by reading an incredible book called War and the Soul: Healing our Nation’s Veterans from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, by Edward Tick, PhD. Through a resource for veterans called A Soldier’s Heart, in Troy, NY, I met a marine named Sean who agreed to meet with me to talk about his experience in Iraq, and to discuss his perspective on PTSD and what he thought the United States Government was doing about it. We met at a Starbucks a few times. As we spoke, I felt increasingly protective of his privacy. I sensed what to ask, and what not to ask, and it quickly became clear to me that there was just as much information in what he didn't tell me, as what he did. I also interviewed a doctor and a nurse at our local veteran’s hospital to get their take on PTSD and how to treat it.

Although PTSD feels like a modern diagnosis, the truth is that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has been around since wars have been fought – people just called it something else. But PTSD isn’t only a result of war –it manifests itself in many corners of society, among those of us – and there are many – who have been victims of violence, betrayal, degradation, emotional abuse. This is something I wanted to explore in the novel, not only in relation to Denny, but in relation to several of the characters who emerge throughout the story, each with their own set of battle scars.

In my novel, I wanted to consider the war in Iraq in the same headspace as a Hollywood production – that the invasion had been scripted and produced by a strategic few – the difference is, of course, that war is real. The other night I watched a marvelous documentary on HBO about PTSD and it occurred to me that war and its effects has had an historic impact on the ways in which we behave as men and women – even during times of peace. During times of war, men in particular have been encouraged to be strong – to put a barrier up – to not reveal the emotional damages they’ve suffered in combat at the risk of seeming weak (women, too, have practiced their own forms of ruinous etiquette). Better to suffer in silence, no matter the ultimate costs. I think this idea crosses over into ordinary domestic life and has, to a large degree, informed our roles as men and women and continues to do so. In my novel, I was interested in exploring the Hollywood archetype of the American Hero and tying it into my exploration of the “theater of war.” It is that very archetype that denies the existence of PTSD – and that is a tragic denial.

Culturally, we are, to some degree, accustomed to witnessing violence. On any ordinary day we might witness violence on television. Women are raped; men are beaten. We know how to handle it. We can glimpse some violent scenario on the nightly news while we prepare our dinner, while our children are doing homework at the kitchen table. On weekends, some of our sons and daughters are playing XBOX. My son owns Call of Duty: Black Ops, and is proud of his performance and enjoys the competition with his friends. They are twelve and the games are rated M for mature. I know I shouldn’t let him play them, but these games are the new peer pressure. I know he should be in his room, reading, or making up games in the back yard. But that’s not what he wants to do. He wants to be in front of the television, manipulating a gadget that makes things blow up. It is my failure that I allow it.

We watch violence on a two-dimensional plane; it’s abstract. We can’t feel what the violence feels like – and we don’t bother to imagine it – that would be intense. The violence is a strategic part of a dramatic scenario. We think we know what goes on, but we don’t. Not really. When our youngest adults go to the desert to fight, maybe they think they know too. But once they’re there, the reality sets in. And there’s no getting out. There’s no escape.

PTSD is real. It’s painful. It’s a kind of internal agony. To pretend that exposure to the kinds of trauma our servicemen and women continue to endure on a minute to minute basis isn’t affecting them is unrealistic and naïve – and ultimately very dangerous.

So too, when people are victims of any form of abuse, they suffer from PTSD. We are human beings. We feel deeply – and we should feel deeply. I think feeling deeply is a sign of one’s humanity. Some of us have more difficulty processing what we know – what we have seen.

When I was a kid there was a popular saying going around: War is not healthy for children or other living things. I was in Junior High at the time. In those days, I wore a silver bracelet around my wrist with the name of a soldier who had fought in Vietnam and was missing in action. His name was Gary Shank and I will never forget him. The idea of him – wherever he is – haunts me still.

We are only human. It’s an expression people like to say – it conjures in one’s mind a kind of dignity and humility that seems to define us on some profound level. We need to remember that we are sensitive, intelligent beings who require nurturing and respect. Why are these fine qualities so often, so casually, ignored? I sure wish they weren’t. If I know anything as a novelist it’s this: a character’s destiny depends largely on his perspective. Too bad we all can’t see war in the same ugly light. Maybe then we’d come to the conclusion that there’s a reason that adage has lasted so long. War is not healthy for children or other living things. It’s lasted – because it’s the truth.

Veterans Day

2010-11-12T07:49:00.000-05:00

I have so much to be thankful for on this Veterans Day. I am thankful for my family members that served our country. My grandfather fought in WWII and received a Purple Heart. The one time he ever talked to me about it, I was very young. He explained that his best friend was shot and killed. They were in a fox hole when his battle buddy needed to use the restroom. My grandfather told him to go in his pants. When he stood up to go he was shot in the head. My grandfather had to sit in the fox hole with his deceased buddy. He normally didn’t talk about it and I don’t know why he told me that day. He cried when he told me his story while I sat on his lap in his recliner. I didn’t know why he was so sad but I knew it was from a great loss. He received his Purple Heart when a grenade exploded and he received a Japanese sword and rifle while in the hospital. I miss him and now in my adulthood I want to know the full story.

My uncle on my mother’s side was in Vietnam. He served two tours overseas. He was exposed to Agent Orange and could never have children. He died from lung cancer at the young age of 52. I remember I was visiting my grandmother and my uncle was there. We were on the front porch and the sun was burning my eyes. I was pretty young at the time and didn’t understand war or sacrifice. My uncle had been drinking and he was looking at the medals he earned while serving his country. He was angry and sad and I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what to say but I listened to his story. He clearly had PTSD but he never got help and lived alone with his demons. I never knew that I was going to experience PTSD from my husband.

I am so thankful for my grandfather and uncle’s service. I never grew up knowing I lived an hour from the 101st Airborne. I remember wearing a yellow ribbon on my shirt at school one day during Desert Storm. We had a friend whose mom was in the Navy but I didn’t really know what that meant. I loved her uniform though. I married a soldier and then I became a true patriotic woman. I became so immensely thankful for the service of our men and women in uniform. I tied the yellow ribbon around our tree, I hung my gold star service flag in my window each time Bryan was deployed, and I prayed and wished that my husband would come home safe. Bryan worked insanely long hours, I rarely saw him. He was always at trainings or in the field preparing for his next deployment. On Veterans Day I am proud that I married my soldier. I am thankful for each and every service member’s sacrifice. I will attend the Veterans Day parade with tears in my eyes and my head held high.

40 More HBOT Treatments

2010-11-08T14:49:00.000-05:00

Bryan had his consultation today with the Doctor at our local hospital for additional hyperbaric oxygen therapy. I didn't go with him but sent him with a detailed list of questions. This Doctor has never treated TBI with HBOT before but he saw the results that proved it worked and he is also getting all the records from Dr. Harch. I am confident that he is going to do his research and do everything he can to help Bryan.

A wonderful organization called Healing Heroes Network is going to help offset the cost if he charges more than Tricare will pay. However this Dr. said that he was going to work with the cost because my husband is a veteran. I am very thankful for all of the help from the Dr. and this organization thus far.

Bryan will go every morning before work and receive his treatment. I love how his pain goes down with this treatment and his mood and energy levels are up. After the 40 treatments he will receive maintenance treatments every couple of months for the rest of his life. We are excited to have this as part of his treatment plan. This is wonderful news.

Tomorrow Bryan will go to the VA for a CT scan. He has been coughing severely for several weeks and his is having this horrible pain in a specific spot in his head when he coughs. His PCM at the VA thinks it could be possible that he has a weakened blood vessel in his brain. I have been nervous about this for weeks. I am hoping the results come back quickly and if there is a problem we can get it resolved.

Applebee's Free Meal on Veterans Day

2010-11-04T22:38:00.000-04:00

Applebee’s® Thanks Neighborhood Veterans and Active Duty Military with a Free Meal on Veterans Day Applebee’s Neighborhood Grill & Bar® Served More than One Million Free Meals on Veterans Day in 2009

LENEXA, Kan. — (October 20, 2010) /PRNewswire/ — Once again, Applebee’s will thank our nation’s veterans and active duty military by inviting them to their neighborhood Applebee’s for a free meal on Veterans Day, Thursday, Nov. 11, 2010. Last year, Applebee’s served more than one million military men and women and expects that number to be even higher this year. The company’s appreciation efforts last year were the largest of its kind to give back to the communities nationwide where Applebee’s restaurants are located.

“It is a real privilege for us to serve our veterans and active duty military on this national day of respect and remembrance,” said Mike Archer, president, Applebee’s Services, Inc. “Veterans Day at Applebee’s is a time for our military to connect with fellow service men and women, swap stories and enjoy a great meal. For us, serving those who serve our country is a true honor. The entire day is filled with fun, memories and great conversations. We’re looking forward to hosting them again this year.”

Guests are encouraged to say thanks to veterans and active duty personnel on Applebee’s “virtual wall of honor” on Facebook or www.applebees.com.

At Applebee’s across the country last year, lines formed before the doors opened, tables were packed and members of the military and veterans met with old friends, made new ones and celebrated their dedication to our country.

Applebee’s new Veterans Day menu will offer signature and favorite items, including:

•7 oz. House Sirloin
•Bacon Cheeseburger
•Three Cheese Chicken Penne
•Chicken Tenders Platter
•Oriental Chicken Salad
•Fiesta Lime Chicken®
•Double Crunch Shrimp

Veterans and active duty military will need to provide proof of service, which includes U.S. Uniform Services Identification Card, U.S. Uniform Services Retired Identification Card, Current Leave and Earnings Statement, Veterans Organization Card, photograph in uniform or wearing uniform, DD214, Citation or Commendation.

All neighborhood Applebee’s will be open 11 a.m.-midnight. Guests should inquire with their local restaurant about extended hours. Offer is valid for dine-in only. Traditional sides are included with the free entrees. 2 for $20, appetizers, upgraded side items or extras, beverages, desserts and gratuity are not included.

About Applebee’s
Applebee’s (www.applebees.com) is the world’s largest casual dining chain, with approximately 2,000 locations in 49 states, 16 countries and one U.S. territory. Based in Lenexa, Kan., Applebee’s takes pride in providing a welcoming, neighborhood environment where everyone can enjoy the dining experience. Applebee’s Neighborhood Grill & Bar is a DineEquity, Inc. (NYSE: DIN) brand, and is franchised and operated by Applebee’s Services, Inc. and its affiliates.

Caregiver of the Week: Sara Shaw

2010-11-01T10:23:00.001-04:00

I felt so helpless because I was a new military wife and didn't know any better. If I had known what I do now, perhaps I would have been able to more to change the situation my husband was in. The two weeks before are a distant blur, but I remember we enjoyed our precious R&R time knowing that each day that went by was one day closer to being apart again. I didn't know at that point that was the last time I would be with my husband as the man that I married. I know that must sound strange, but it is true. On April 29th, 2006, my husband went out on his first mission after returning to Iraq from his R&R. The mission was to blow up a bridge that was being used by insurgents. He stayed in the vehicle up on the gun to pull security while everyone else worked to blow the bridge, but he did not know that they had parked right in front of an IED that was a 1-55 shell. It went off about two hours after they had been there. What happened next we have pieced together from other people's recollections because Coban does not remember most of the details. We know that the force of the blast knocked him down inside the vehicle where he was unconscious for a short time. Right after the IED went off they also blew up the bridge that he was right next to as well.

He was incredibly lucky to not take any shrapnel damage, but he definitely had a TBI from the symptoms he had, unfortunately because he was not bleeding and looked fine his company did nothing to help him. He told him that he didn't feel right, but they told him to just suck it up and drive on. He could not hear well for 2 months, and had horrible headaches and was tired all of the time and struggled to remember the simplest of things. His company grew tired of him and his new found issues and the fact that he was "slow" so they sent him to be attached to another team into a much more dangerous area. These groups of people were much more sensitive to what happened and assigned someone to help him with things. He had to finish the nine months left in his tour and struggled that whole time to function. My husband returned home in late November of 2006 and was referred to a counselor for PTSD. While seeing her she thought it would be a good idea to screen him for TBI and it showed definite damage across his whole brain with severe damage to parts of his frontal lobe. He was also diagnosed with personality change due to his TBI.

The last four years have been very tough for our whole family. We are still fighting for good medical care and the Purple Heart that he should have been awarded but was not. I am dealing with my anger issues with the lack of care he was given. We struggle to navigate our way through this broken system, as I know we all do. While the road has been tough, there have also been many blessings along the way. Prior to Coban deploying he was randomly collapsing and we did not know why. He has now been diagnosed with Periodic Paralysis in addition to the TBI and PTSD. It is nice to finally know what is causing the paralysis even if we never know when it will cause him to collapse. I find encouragement in the small things, and I am glad that the DOD is now enforcing concussion screens if someone displays any symptoms at all. He was recently finally diagnosed with severe PTSD as well so I am glad someone is finally trying to address the whole picture. Through it all I have been thankful for the support of the many WW friends that I have. I have limited family support as they struggle with believing anything is wrong because he looks fine.

In the near future I am hoping that we can move to another state with the resources we need medically for Coban. We are hoping to be moved in time for our daughter to start kindergarten. Our kids definitely keep us smiling on the tough days. Our son is 10 months old and is the sweetest baby. He is so curious about everything and loves his Daddy time. I feel like he has helped in my husband's emotional healing since he was deployed during our daughters first year of life. I am constantly looking for new treatment opportunities and spend a lot of time advocating for my husband and other veteran's we have had the honor of meeting. To all the caregivers out there, thank you for all that you do and for your tireless service to your veteran. We are often the forgotten ones, but know that you are appreciated and loved. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read our story.

Please take a look at Sara's blog.

Being Thankful

2010-10-29T18:55:00.001-04:00

In the winter my feet feel like blocks of ice. My husbands feet swell badly almost every day. I wish that he didn't have to deal with the swelling but that is just part of it. When the weather turns cold and my feet start getting frosty it is kind of nice to have personal heaters to warm them up. I don't actually have to even put my feet on his, just getting close enough to feel the radiating heat warms mine up.

See there are some positives to getting blown up. You have to be thankful for the little things.

PTSD from the Veterans Perspective Part 1

2010-10-26T09:11:00.000-04:00

I know what it is like to live with someone with PTSD. I always want to ask, “Why are you isolating?” “Why are you angry?” ”What was your nightmare about?” For three-and-a-half years I didn’t know who would come home from work -- Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. My family and friends didn’t understand why I stayed with him, and most days I wondered myself. I have asked my husband many times what it feels like to have PTSD. He always said he couldn’t explain it. I will be featuring this in several parts as there were several veterans that decided to share. I have omitted all names so that they may share openly.

These are the words of a former Marine scout sniper and instructor.
“I served 15 years as a cop on SWAT and Gangs in the Greater L.A. area. I did not recognize PTSD until after my very last near-death experience. You wake with a sense of impending doom. Something is wrong, but you don't know what. I feared going to sleep because I feared being awakened by nightmares, night sweats and then insomnia. I felt a feeling that one only gets right after you have been startled (like from being hit by a car), but that feeling never goes away until the adrenaline burns out. Then I became numb -- like nothing mattered. I would isolate-in that state; there was a deep feeling of not just loneliness but of being alone in the world, even while surrounded by those who love you. Once in that numb state, it was hard to reach me. It could go on for weeks like that-- on auto pilot --no emotion, no fear, just indifferent.

Some of the early signs I now recognize is that while in the heat of combat or near-death experience, I no longer felt fear. There is no bravado about this. It was because my adrenaline and cortisol levels were running so high all of the time there was no more room for more intensity -- hence no fear. At least for me I only felt offended when someone tried to kill me instead of the horror that I felt before when someone would try to kill me. Once I was out of the threatening situation, this feeling similar to going down the largest hill on a roller coaster was constantly present, and that felt normal to me. I did not even recognize I was different from before. I forgot what it was like to feel relaxed, at ease with the world. This feeling of a state of readiness kept me alive in the heat of near-death experiences, but once I was out of the experience, it did not go away. It was no longer helpful.

It begins to eat away at your body, your blood pressure, anxiety level; adrenal glands, your hippocampus and hypothalamus all become damaged from the constant flow of adrenaline. The reason why it is hard for a loved one to explain how they feel is because it is the state that they are most comfortable. We forget what normal is.

The good news is that this is one of the most treatable conditions there is. The bad news is that many warriors see it as a weakness and refuse to admit or are unable to notice that they are afflicted by it until their life has become unmanageable in some way. It is usually the ones that they love most that are first affected and often times lost. I know so many vets with this condition that refused to admit the condition and have ended up in jails, institutions and worse because of it. If a vet has the slightest belief that he may have the condition, there is help available. Get it.

Initially, medicines are required to regain sleep structure, lower anxiety level and balance out the system. Once the physical aspects are under control, you gain perspective and can benefit from a spiritual walk and therapy. You can see the world as a safer place. Be patient with the various medicines as there is a lot of trial and error until you finds the one that is best for you. If you are a loved one of a vet with this condition, learn about it. It may be easier to take some of the behaviors less personally until your vet gets the help he needs.

There are the periods of mental confusion and loss of memory, which you may also notice from your husband. It is extremely frustrating not to be able to organize simple things like bills and mail any more. If something triggers a hyper-arousal phase -- a smell, a sound, a look -- whatever. But especially if I am unaware of the trigger, the adrenal response raises very quickly -- much quicker than normal people. And then it stays up much longer than normal people -- it can stay up for 3 days or longer, and I have no recollection sometimes of what raised it.

When I find myself in that state, I can usually think back to a car back-fire or a threat to my daughter or loved one's relationship that slipped by me that was received by my lower brain as a life-threat but not fully understood by my upper cortex until I stop and make sense of it. Sometimes I have no idea what triggered the adrenaline and prayer, meditation, talking it out is what is needed. It is very important to keep a notebook with the tasks that I need to complete in it in my pocket at all times. Because once I write it down, I don't have to think about it.”

This is one of the most insightful vets I have encountered. I am so thankful to him sharing so openly and once again reminding me what it is like to live with PTSD.

Caregiver of the Week: Gina Hill

2010-10-25T07:52:00.000-04:00

I am Gina Hill and I am the wife of a severely injured soldier. While the majority of his physical, or visible, wounds have healed, our family still struggles daily with the psychological wounds. Often times, these are called the invisible wounds, but I have a hard time calling them that, for they are very visible to anyone who spends any amount of time with him.

This season of our life began on 21 November 2007, the day before Thanksgiving. The boys and I were at my sister’s house with my parents in preparation for Turkey Day when our lives were forever changed by that one phone call. Allen had been injured by an IED and was in critical condition and soon being transported to Landstuhl. We really didn’t know much more than that. By Sunday, I was getting on a plane to Walter Reed where I would get to see my husband! Little did I know, that my husband had been transformed into a completely changed man, someone I only recognized from the outside. This transformation was not obvious in the beginning, but has become more and more painfully clear every day since.

We ended up spending four months at Walter Reed. After he went out patient there, we were able to do a lot of fun stuff. We did all the touristy stuff as well as several wounded warrior events. He was able to function well for the most part, but he did have several severe episodes that painted a picture of what was to come. Those severe episodes gradually increased and caused him to be admitted to hospitals several more times since. Currently, he suffers from severe PTSD, TBI, depression, migraines, and he has been diagnosed with diabetes, hypo thyroid, and several other things. His psychological wounds, compounded by his TBI are definitely the issues we struggle with most.

It is almost the 3 year anniversary of that day that changed all of our lives. Our entire family, as well as our friends, have been affected by Allen’s injury. As a spouse, it is extremely difficult being married to someone who is so completely different. At the same time though, I too am different. Through this journey I have changed as much as my husband. I am independent and strong, not afraid to speak out, outgoing, and much more confident in myself. I am not afraid to step out of my comfort zone, even though it is still very uncomfortable to do so. I was a teacher before but now my passion has completely changed. I have an incredible passion for helping wounded warriors and their families. I volunteer for several organizations dealing with mental illness and suicide. Through it all though, we have survived and managed to keep our family together. We have all made sacrifices and we are stronger and closer because of it.

While it is often easier to talk about the hard parts, we have also received many blessings along the way. We have met some of the most amazing people that we now have the privilege of calling our friends. We have been on several trips with other wounded warrior families that were amazing. Many organizations have helped us out and we are extremely grateful for them. Our most important blessing though is our faith. Our faith has brought us through the most terrible parts and made us stronger in spite of the pain.

Currently, my husband is receiving treatment for his PTSD at The Pathway Home. We are extremely hopeful that this program will help him become independent, and able to participate in life again. While it is difficult being apart, it is also giving me the time to take care of myself and focus on my kids. As a full time caregiver, I know in my head that I need to take care of myself first. It wasn’t until I got home from taking Allen to California to this program that I realized I had not been doing that. It has allowed me to be more relaxed and therefore a better mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. Please check out her blog.

Book Review: "A Stranger Like You" by Elizabeth Brundage

2010-10-19T20:37:00.001-04:00

I was sent this mystery thriller by Brundage’s publicist. It is fiction book so you may be wondering why I was asked to review this book. Denny Rios, one of the characters that appear later in the book opened my eyes to what it feels like to come home mentally and emotionally wounded.

Protagonist Hugh Waters made his big break with a screenplay he wrote that was picked up for film. Waters thought he had finally gotten out of his dead-end job when the producer who bought the rights died. His replacement – Hedda Chase -- is a brash, hard-nosed, unlikeable character who decided she no longer wanted this screenplay to make it to the big screen. Chase never thought by turning down Hugh’s screenplay would prompt him to come after her.

Waters was one of those characters seemed like an average guy. But then something snapped, and he became the unassuming villain in the story. There weren’t any likeable traits about this character, and parts of his past would make you cringe. On one of his manic escapades he meets a homeless woman named Daisy. After letting Daisy spend the night in his hotel, she later appears at a screening of a film Waters attended. Daisy played a role in the documentary that Waters was viewing; he found it to be an odd coincidence.

Waters wanted to talk to Daisy after the screening, but that didn’t sit well with Daisy’s date, an Iraq war veteran. Denny Rios suffers from PTSD, and when Hugh relentlessly approached Daisy, Rios beat him to a pulp. Daisy was terrified by Denny’s reaction and started to question why she was in the relationship.

There were many twists and turns throughout the book, the characters were intertwined in surprising ways. The character that captivated my attention the most was Rios.

The author did her research on this character. Brundage interviewed veterans at Soldier's Heart in Troy, N.Y. I believe that she captured in words what it is like for veterans to come home wounded.
I have mentioned a couple of times my husband’s love for the weapon that he had in Iraq. When you serve three tours, your weapon becomes your partner. Rios “… missed his M16. His weapon was like an old girlfriend who‘d walked out on him and there was just this empty space now. Being without it gave him an ache in his belly. Sometimes he couldn’t eat. Sometimes he would wake up with a start with his heart going about a million miles a minute and all he could do was cry.”

Rios had been shot in the leg and walked with a limp. He was glad that he made it our alive but still struggled with what happened overseas. Denny thought “Nobody could really help you. You had to sort things out on your own. He carried his stories around in his pockets, in his fists, like stones.” This last sentence is how I feel a lot of our warriors feel after coming home.

While my husband has never been great with words, I am always looking for explanations of what it felt like to be blown up. Brundage’s description of Rios’ injury paints a vivid picture of that moment: “They tell you it’s going to hurt, but this was a medieval pain, this was the pain of the rack, stretching your flesh into something else. It was like nothing he‘d ever experienced. You couldn’t compare it to anything. Maybe like a train running into you. Something to that effect.”

Rios ends up being the unlikely hero in the story. There were many times while reading Rios’ words, tears pricked my eyes. I could feel his pain, the feeling of being lost, not fitting in. I don’t want to spoil the ending, you can find out more about Brundage and the book here.

Caregiver of the Week: Megan Byers

2010-10-18T09:09:00.000-04:00

My name is Megan Byers, and I'm the wife of a wounded airman.

October 16, 2006 was the day that changed life as we knew it. We had just about 7 weeks left of his first deployment.

At 12:30am, my husband called me before he went outside the wire. He tried to call most days before he would go on shift. We talked for a short while, and then said our I love you's and goodbyes. 9 hours later, I was getting ready for the day and opened up the medicine cabinet. I had filled all of the empty shelves that usually were filled with his things up with as much of my stuff as I could. It always seemed sad to look at a half empty cabinet. As I was looking in the cabinet that morning, I got this overwhelming feeling to clear off his shelves. "He will be coming home soon," was the thought that ran through my head. So I gathered up all of my stuff and put it under the sink.

Half an hour later, I had sent our daughter off to Kindergarten, and I was up at the base gym. Any wife of a deployed military member knows that you never let your cell phone leave your side, no matter what, so I had my cell up on the elliptical as I was working out. My phone rang, and it was a base number. I answered quickly. It was the SF Squadron's acting first sergeant, and not out of the ordinary because they occasionally called to check in on the deployed wives. Her first question to me was "Are you in town?" I told her I was. She then asked me if I could get home soon. I told her sure, not a problem, but it didn't click right away. When she told me that she and Brandon's commander were waiting for me outside my house, I froze. I didn't say anything. My heart jumped into my throat.

I don't even remember driving home that day. They were both standing at the door as I got out of my car. I asked them what was going on, and his commander told me that we should go inside and sit down. At the time, they only knew that he was currently on a chopper on his way out of Iraq to a more equipped medical facility in Kuwait. His arm and his leg were injured, but they didn't have any details. The squadron and other squadron wives and our close friends stayed at our house with us all day until we heard more information. They kept reassuring me that as soon as his first sergeant convoyed down to the hospital in Kuwait, they would put me on the phone with Brandon.

The next update came 14 hours later at 2:30am. He had been intubated and put into a drug induced coma. My world just fell apart. I remember collapsing to the floor in tears and not much else after that.

I did not remember until the next day the moment I had in front of the medicine cabinet the previous morning. Once we really sat down and thought about the timing of it, that moment for me happened right about the time that my husband was on the ground in the sand while his friends saved his life. I know God was reassuring me that my husband would in fact come home.

It was 48 hours before they woke him up. It took almost 2 weeks after that for me to finally see him in the hospital at Lackland AFB at Wilford Hall. He had permanent nerve damage to his right hand and left leg, and a fused left ring finger. For months he had an external fixator unit attached to his arm, and was non-weight bearing on his left leg due to the shrapnel embedded in his bone.

There were often things left unsaid because they were too difficult to say out loud. There were many tears. There were flashbacks every time he closed his eyes. They happened so often, I knew right when to wake him up so that he wouldn't jerk awake and make his injuries hurt that much worse. I spent months painstakingly trying to help him avoid his every trigger because that's what I thought my job as his wife was supposed to be, and now I truly feel like I held him back from processing what he needed to go through. It took him almost 7 months before he truly broke down and shared some of what was going on inside his head and what he said absolutely crushed me. He wished he had died over there... he was so tired and just couldn't do this anymore... just on and on. I was so scared I had the commander's wife come to our home and take all of our weapons out of our house.

In the four years since that tragic day in October, we have been through multiple surgeries and recoveries, we have had ups and downs in dealing with PTSD and the daily struggle that can bring to an entire family, we have made bonds with friends that will never be broken, and we have gone through the frustration and confusion that comes with a Medical Evaluation Board and the pain that follows their decision to medically retire. We have learned what it means to truly lean on God and not our own understanding. Our family has learned so many things about life and about each other. Our marriage is stronger, our bond with our family is stronger, our compassion for others who are suffering is greater, and our love for life and enjoying the small things has grown more than we could imagine.

We have been blessed to have so many organizations lend help to our family in our time of need. For me, Operation Homefront has been a wonderful addition to help me with my personal struggles in the aftermath. Their Wounded Warrior Wives group has been a wonderful support group of women in the exact same shoes that I'm in. There are things that you don't tell someone that hasn't been through it... and it's been a therapeutic thing to be able to have a place to let those negative thoughts and feelings go. Recently, Brandon has been involved with Dave Roever and Eagles Summit Ranch, and we both truly feel like the work the entire Roever organization does to teach wounded veterans how to turn their tragedy into a triumph has opened our eyes to opportunities that we would not have considered on our own. I feel like there are big things in our future, and I'm looking forward to seeing what is in store for us. We don't know where we're going or what we're supposed to do when we get there, but we're okay with that. I have my husband and my beautiful children, and we're happy as long as we're together.

Check out Megan's Blog

HBOT

2010-10-14T18:43:00.001-04:00

Bryan got approved for HBOT at the University of TN hospital. We are very excited! The only downfall is that Medicare won't pay a dime on it and Tricare will only pay 75%. We have no idea what we are going to have to pay out of pocket but I have a feeling it's going to be hefty. Tricare won't tell the hospital what they pay in advance so I guess he get's one treatment and see if we can swing the bill?

I did not even bother to see if the VA would pay for it. After it took them over 2 months to get PT set up after his knee surgery and 9 months for orthotics, I have lost faith in them. Either way I think this treatment needs to be part of his life long treatment plan and it helps improve his quality of life so it is worth it.

Guess What Came in the Mail?

2010-10-12T15:39:00.000-04:00

I have documented since February all the headache with the VA to order these orthotics. 9 months after his original appointment they have arrived! I ran downstairs to show my husband like an amazing present had arrived for him. I hope they work because it really has caused way too much drama, time, energy, funds, and frustration.

Caregiver of the Week: Colleen Saffron

2010-10-11T15:15:00.000-04:00

My husband SSG Terry Saffron was wounded in Baghdad Iraq on May 5, 2004 in an IED explosion. The explosion killed his two soldiers Bradley Kritzer and James Marshall. They were deployed therewith the 1-21 FA out of Ft Hood (which was then a part of the 1st Cav Division and is now a part of the 41st Fires Brigade). When he was initially injured, they knew it was serious but no one was quite aware how long his recovery would take and to what extent they would have to go.

His right lower mandible (jaw) was shattered completely, his upper right arm had 3 inches of bone shattered, the bicep was utterly shredded and the triceps are cut in 3 areas as well as they eventually had to tack his deltoid muscle to his humerous so he has very limited mobility. Eventually his injuries to his jaw resulted in them actually removing the whole lower right jaw and just putting a metal bar in there. They tried numerous bone graphs and other reconstructive surgeries with no success before they sent us to a very unique specialist who used a process called stereolithography to create a model of his jaw then used his fibula from his left leg (the whole thing knee to ankle!) The surgery actually took 14 hours of surgical time and nearly 19 hours total. It was brutal. Recovery was long and difficult from that one.

When he was injured in 2004 no one was talking about brain injuries or anything of the like so, although we were noticing serious issues of change in him we were told it was fine. Finally, in November of 2008 my husband and I pushed for a brain SPECT scan to be done so we could find out if we were just hypersensitive or if he actually had a TBI. The results of his scan were abnormal and “consistent with TBI”. To many that sounds like a relief to have answers however for us it was also the shocking realization that since most patients with mild TBI have normal brain scans, that he had an abnormal one more than 4 years after the fact meant perhaps there were some things that no one had addressed. Add to these injuries that he is also dealing with PTSD on a moderate level we have the formula for total wife and caregiver burn out.

As the caregiver, I had to stop the freelance interior design work I was doing when my husband was injured, and could not drop the schooling I was in because it would mean my student loans would be due for payment in about 6 weeks but I did not have the money to pay them. I continued my schooling (that I started just before my husband deployed in March of 04) while I sat in waiting rooms and we have 3 children.

In Nov of 06 after months of having trouble with chronic pain and other issues I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia and Chronic fatigue syndrome myself. These illnesses are believed to be stress induced illnesses and something few people talk about is how many of us as caregivers end up with these types of illnesses.
My husband’s MEB was begun in Dec 2008 and finally, on July 20 of 2010 we had all the paperwork back and the retirement process could begin. After 22 years in the Army, my husband began terminal leave August 20, 2010 and is set to be permanently retired on Oct 20. It has been 6.5 years of care, of learning, of exhaustion and trial. It has also been 6.5 years of opportunity, blessing, chances to give back and a realization that everyone CAN make a difference in life.

I look back and there are some very specific things I would love to people to be able to understand. As a wounded warrior family there was no homecoming for my husband, no parades, not even a welcome. He was flown to an airfield on Ft Hood, shuttled to the hospital and then taken through a back door into a clinical area without us even being able to see him until after triage. There are not ceremonies, recognition or observances for these guys. Our concentration on our returning heroes and our fallen is right, and just however it is a reality that our wounded heroes get shuffled around in a system and treated with the belief that in a couple months all will be “back to normal.”

Average recovery time for a severely wounded soldier is 4 to 7 years. During that time family member caregivers are asked to maintain a level of care we are not legally allowed to require from healthcare professionals. They give up jobs, communities and often end up in severe financial distress due to their new role as a caregiver. Depending on the individuals involved in the process we may get fantastic support from one commander and 4 weeks later find ourselves treated like trash on the sidewalk. Our support system is not consistent; the offices we report to are but the individuals change frequently. As civilians we are required to understand the lingo and system of the military and VA but I don’t know how anyone can truly understand it. I do not fault the military or the people who have helped us they have done all they are able to but the constraints of the rules and bureaucracy often tie their hands too.
I am constantly challenged with the fact that because my husband LOOKS good the system and the world in general tends to not really listen to us when we try to explain the full extent of his injuries. Unlike the injuries that are physically disfiguring my husband’s injuries are well hidden. An amputated jaw can’t be seen by the human eye and his injuries to his upper arm can’t be seen when he has on a shirt. His brain injury is as real as any other type of injury but we can’t see it and to many people it is not a “real” physical injury. The PTSD is always interesting because people’s perception of PTSD is that the individual dealing with it is violent or suicidal.

I am tired though, after years of being my husband’s caregiver, advocate and still trying to maintain my role as wife and mother. I have also had to add to it a job, because he is not ever going to be able to work in the fields he used to and even retraining is going to take a lot of time. The support seems to focus on the newly injured and the families who have been walking this road for years find themselves trying to navigate the new path they are on after so much intensity that we break down. Physically, emotionally and spiritually we reach a point where we have little to nothing left to give.

I am fortunate that I find strength in my faith and that we had been married so long when this happened. The families dealing with the injuries and traumas of combat will need a LOT of support and the public in general needs to realize that although we have faced some giants, there will be many more for us. I do believe that our military, our communities and our people in general wan to support wounded warriors and their spouses however I don’t think they necessarily know how to.

I would encourage you, if you are reading this to reach out to one of those families and ask them specifically what it is they need. Is it someone to sit with their service member so they can get out for an hour, someone to help with yard work or to provide a meal once a month to give the caregiver a night off? Are they willing to contact local businesses to find support for the caregiver self-care that so often we do not get time to do? Is there a family who the caregiver needs the opportunity to work? Can a business or program offer opportunities for them to work from home to continue caring for their warrior but still generate an income? The impact of becoming a caregiver can often wreak havoc on the family’s finances. Can you offer to help out with their children, can you contact support services in the community to support the children?
I used our experience to become involved in creating a nonprofit that offered free online training in entry level careers for military spouses and caregivers of our severely injured and ill service members called Operation Life Transformed. In October of 2009 Inova Health System became a partner of Operation Life Transformed and we became a part of their Military to Medicine program. It is my goal and my passion to reach out to other military families and at least address one of the myriad of issues confronting our military families today.

I am not the wife of a man who would be in a nursing home without me however even he knows I am the grease that keeps the family engine humming. It is much less expensive for tax payers to support the caregiver of the service member who has been seriously injured than it is to have the system to care for them and it is better for the service member too however, without the necessary support the families break down and bitterness can set in.

I have been involved in so many wonderful programs but urge people to understand the need for ongoing support for these men and women is not going away any time soon and as someone who has done this a long time I know that the struggles are as unique as the injuries of the service member. As a community reach out and give back to families who have given all they could to do their duty.

Women of Warriors Retreat

2010-10-08T18:05:00.000-04:00

September 24th-27th I joined seven other women of warriors and four children to attend a retreat at Quantum Leap Farm, INC. in Tampa, Fla. Operation Homefront’s Wounded Warrior Wives Program sponsored the retreat, and I don’t think it could have come at a better time for these women.

The women who attended are part of the Wounded Warrior Wives online forums. We had connected and supported each other online for a long time, and to meet in person just strengthened that support system. It is hard for me to relay what happened on this retreat; it was really life-changing for all of us.

We arrived at the farm on Saturday morning, and we talked about TBI. Dr. Edie Dopking, who was the founder of Quantum Leap, spoke to us about the varying levels and symptoms of TBI. I was interested to see the different areas of the brain and what happened when these areas were damaged. It really clarified a lot about Bryan’s brain injury. Then Dr. Bridget Cantrell, who wrote “Down Range: To Iraq and Back” and “Once a Warrior: Wired for Life” spoke to us about PTSD. She had an extensive history working with veterans and has her own practice in Washington.

We shared our stories. It was hard for me to tell my story to the group even though I had time and time again. I was feeling very emotional after hearing the other stories; my heart was shattering for my fellow caregivers. When Karie spoke after me, I broke out in to the full-blown ugly cry. I felt my best friend hurting.
Later in the afternoon we created an obstacle course that was labeled with challenges in our lives. We listed PTSD, service member, VA and red tape.

We were then instructed to go to the muck pile and fill out buckets to the appropriate level of crap (we used the other four-letter word) that we carry around with us. All of our buckets ran over. We labeled our buckets with the words that coinciede with what is in our bucket. We paired up with a horse and lead our horse through the obstacle course while we carried our bucket. The last horse through the course refused to go through the VA obstacle. He wouldn’t budge. We all tried to lead him through with no avail. Finally we lead him around the VA.

In the end we carried our buckets or carried our partner’s bucket. We never dumped it even though we could have. It was so reflective of how our lives are.
Sunday we talked more in the group about different resources and tools that we can use to cope with our wounded warriors. We created “our world” inside a boxed off section of the arena. We used random objects to create this world. We placed 3 buckets that represented our resources inside our world. We painted 3 horses with words that represented threats to our world. We had “red tape,” “ourselves” and "negativity.” The horses were released into the arena, and we had to keep them out. “Negativity” and “ourselves” were the most persistent. “Red tape” hung back but would pop up out of the blue as it usually does. Finally “negativity” backed off and “ourselves” intruded.

For the final exercise, we each stepped into hula hoops laid out in a circle. We were reminded that we need to only carry around what is inside our hoops. We can’t carry around our husbands’ baggage, there are things out of our control like the VA and we don’t have to carry the burdens of anyone else. We had to concentrate on ourselves and not let negativity run amok.

It was an amazing experience; one I’ll never forget. I hope that each of us remembers to let go of the guilt, stress and things out of our control. We do have a support system and the tools to make our marriages work despite physical or mental injuries.

Update on HBOT

2010-10-07T07:54:00.001-04:00

Tricare and Medicare are going to pay for Bryan to have more hyperbaric oxygen therapy which is great news. The bad news is that the Dr. that has the chamber here won't do it. It is not the normal protocol for treating brain injuries and even with medical documentation proving how much it helped him, it is a no go. I didn't think the Dr. would be the problem I thought his insurance wouldn't pay.

I am hoping to speak with the patient coordinator today. We will see if we can get somewhere. I did see that the University of Tennessee has a chamber so I am going to call today to see if they would take him. They are more of a learning hospital so maybe they will be open to experimental medicine.

Always a fight...

Caregiver of the Week: Kristle Helmuth

2010-10-04T10:09:00.000-04:00

September 21, 2006 my husband deployed to Iraq. On December 4, 2007, the Army made the biggest mistake they ever could; they sent me another woman's husband! This man acted impulsively, he lost his temper over things my husband never would, he couldn't remember anything, he stuttered, blacked out, he never slept, and when he did he had horrible nightmares that would wake the neighbors. He distanced himself from his family; this guy was for the birds! It was like night and day! It wasn't until almost a year later that the pieces began to come together, just before I gave birth to our second child, my husband was diagnosed with Traumatic Brain Injury, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

No way, I kept telling myself. He wasn’t in any traumatic event, he would have told me right, wrong again Kristle, a lot went on that you didn’t know about, and a lot went on that you still don’t. Nate's job in Iraq was to find the IED’s before they found him. On September 21, 2007 exactly one year to the day he deployed, he rolled over three 130 mm artillery shells stacked together. They detonated and sheared everything off the vehicle. He was tossed from the front seat to the back of the vehicle. The blast tore up his brain tissue, and gave him what was described to me as the “adult version of shaken baby syndrome," and that wasn't the first or last time!

Why he wasn’t just sent home at that point is beyond me, yeah he wasn’t missing limbs, or in a coma for 30 days, but he lost consciousness, and to me that throws up a red flag, but who was I besides a husband deprived Army wife who wanted her husband home?? Looking back I know now what the warning signs were, he did change after that. It’s been almost 3 years since he returned home; he is now medically retired from the Army, and unable to hold a job. We continue to struggle to find a method to this life that works for us; I have found that it is all about compensation, compromise, and figuring out what works for each individual!

I'm not sure that PTSD or TBI will ever be something that can work for you, but I'm determined to give it my best, he is my hero, and he deserves it! It has been a rough few years, but we were not alone in our journey, we had support from a lot of others which has inspired me to in turn give back! I keep myself busy by volunteering my time to organizations that support military and their families! I have spent time Volunteering for CAUSE, Hike for Our Heroes, The Boot Campaign, and my latest and greatest; the Operation Homefront Volunteer Community Team in my area. I can remember a day last year, I was having a horrible day, and I was ready to call it quits, I left work early that day and spent the day crying on the couch, when the mail came there was a package for me. It was from Operation Homefront. Inside was a pretty purple box with a sheer ribbon that read Wounded Warrior Wives in gold lettering that made my day, it couldn't have come at a better time. I want to be that for someone else! Giving back is a way of coping for me, and if I can make a difference in the life of just one other person then I have done my job.

Please check out Kristle's blog here.

Pepsi Refresh

2010-10-01T17:31:00.000-04:00

I need all my fans and followers to vote every single day this month for Operation Homefront and Operation Gratitude in the Pepsi Refresh contest. We have the chance to win a 250K and a 50K grant to help bring as much holiday cheer to our deployed troops and families back home as we can. Tell your friends. It is so easy to vote! There is an app you can add on facebook, you can go to Operation Homefront's website and sign up for email reminders, you can text your vote to Text 103268 to Pepsi(73774), or you can click here to vote on the project's website. It is too easy now go vote and help our troops.

Ft. Riley Military Spouses and WWW

2010-09-30T12:06:00.000-04:00

Caregiver of the Week: Aimee Zmysly

2010-09-27T09:17:00.000-04:00

When I met my husband he had just gotten back from a deployment to Afghanistan. I had no knowledge of what military life was like,the only person I knew that had served and deployed was my grandpas during WWII. I will be honest it did scare me to know I wouldn't be able to see this man I was falling in love with, anytime I wanted, as I was living in Illinois, his home state and he was stationed in NC. But with love comes strength and we made the long distance work. After three months we were engaged, and I had no question he was the one for me. We then got news
he was deploying to Iraq in Feb of 2005. I was terrified of the unknown. As the months rolled by, the letters, emails and phone calls continued, hearing his
voice and his thoughts made it bearable. 7 months past and he came home safe and sound. When I saw my man walk off of that white bus that August, my heart was full and happy.

Just when I thought the deployment was the big test for our relationship, January 9th 2006 came. He woke up with stomach pains and through out the day became so painful by the end of the night, his friend Matt brought him to the ER on base. After hours of tests and many phone calls to me, we found out it was his appendix.
He called me right before surgery and he said he loved me and that everything would be ok. That was the last time I heard my hubby talk.

After fighting sleep, I was awoken at 5 am by a phone call from his phone, I was excited to see his name. But the voice was not his, his friend then informed me that something happened during surgery and they were taking him to a civilian hospital. My once full and happy heart sank.

I got off the phone and flew down there with his mom. Walking into that ICU was the scariest thing I have ever done. I closed my eyes took a breath and walked. When we got to the door, he was there. Laying with tubes coming out of every place possible. He was in a medicated coma. My legs gave out and the pain I felt just seeing him I wouldn't wish on anyone.

But with love comes strength, slowly I began talking to him, getting knowledge of his injuries, and trying to stay strong for him. He almost died a total of three times through out three months. When doctors said he would not wake up, again, it was another pain that I can still feel to this day. The thought of loosing him was unthinkable, I heard the news and went numb, I laid in my bed for hours just crying and praying.

But my man is stubborn and if you tell him that he can't do something he will do it. So he woke up, slowly he began interacting with his surroundings. He was then transfered to a rehab hospital where he had to learn everything all over again. That included eating solid food, drinking thin liquids, sitting up, walking, talking. He was starting over. In October of that same year, his mom committed suicide. This was so difficult to handle, especially for Yuriy, he sank into a deep depression and I followed. How much can one person take in a years time? I know that answer now, A heck of a lot.

Later that year in 2006 after he was out of the hospital and could head nod yes and no, we got married. It was not the wedding I imagined, my Marine was in a wheelchair and had just gone through the roughest year of his life, yet he wanted to marry me still.

He has an anoxic brain injury, due to lack of oxygen to the brain and with that comes, cortical visual impairment, apraxia of speech and movement, muscle spasitisity, and emotional issues.

He is now at home with myself and my parents. The role of caregiver I don't take lightly. It is a huge responsibility but a privilege to watch the man I love get stronger and try so hard to improve on a daily basis. Some days are easier than others, Yuriy's care takes physical strength as well as emotional strength. He needs assistance with daily activities, has many appointments to go to each week, and some days he is not the easiest person to be with. We have gone through ups and downs, but the one thing that has gotten us both to where we are today, is the love we have for each other. I look at him still to this day and am so in love with him. I admire his strength and love his personality.. Though he cannot speak yet, he does communicate with me the best he can, I long for the day to wake up and hear him say "good morning wifey"

I have found through this journey that I am a strong woman. I have done things I never thought I would be able to do, like speaking at a press conference with Senator Durbin, to tell people about the caregiver bill. Advocating for Yuriy's rights and getting him the best care possible. Sharing our story and my knowledge to help others. I now know one person can make a difference, all you have to do is believe in what your fighting for.

~ Proud USMC Wife Aimee Zmysly

Caregiver of the Week: Uncle Sam's Mistress

2010-09-20T18:15:00.001-04:00

2006-2007, My husband served as a Combat Medic in Iraq and was wounded in an IED explosion which led to his severe PTSD and severe TBI upon his return. After a year being home, the issues of not having help and resources led me to be more vocal about such issues in our returning soldiers. The hardest part I have faced during all of this is being alone, without family's willingness to acknowledge my husband's problems and falling through the cracks of the VA system. This year, we finally got a "Severe TBI" diagnosis which has helped us cope with the many issues he has. For self-help, I began to blog and now write on three different sites in the caregiver perspective: Living with PTSD and TBI, Living the Army Life and Scott Lee's PTSD: A soldier's perspective.

Having found the Wounded Warrior Wive's group through Operation Homefront, it has given me a place where I feel like I belong with others like me. My non-profit organization, www. Doublehhcandles.com, which I started to beat the deployment blues four years ago and provides candles for the military and families, has now created a candle specifically for our Wounded Warrior Wives. The cost after production, will be donated to Operation Homefront so that it can help other Wounded Warrior Caregiver's like me. Be vocal about our soldiers with PTSD and TBI, our voice will eventually be heard.

Releasing Control

2010-09-18T20:06:00.000-04:00

A conversation over the weekend reminded me about releasing control. I have always been a very organized person in work, home and school. I like to have a plan, execute and move on. The Army would always throw a wrench in that plan, but slowly I learned to adapt with whatever came next.

When Bryan was injured, I took care of his every need. Brushing his teeth, bathing him, dressing his wounds, scheduling his appointments -- everything. Once he became more independent, I realized that I still wanted to be involved in every single thing. I liked to make sure he asked the doctor the right questions, to see his amazing progress and simply to help him. He then decided he wanted to go to his appointments alone and handle some things himself.

Here we are four years later, and I still have issues giving up control. As I mentioned in the last post, I like to drive the car because he is a horrible driver and easily distracted. We went whitewater rafting a couple weeks ago. Bryan fell out of the raft twice. He slipped off the boat and fell down a rock because of his balance issues. I tried everything in my power to get him back in the raft when he fell out. I had images of him drowning, or breaking another bone, or having a flashback. As soon as he got back in the raft, I asked him five times if he was OK.

A couple of weeks later we went through a fast food drive-through and he ordered his meal. Apparently the menu had changed and the number four was not what the cashier remembered it to be. He immediately looked at me to resolve the situation so the order would be correct. I told him over and over what to say to her, but he just sat there quietly. He was overwhelmed. I almost stuck my head out the window and said “he wants the two-cheeseburger combo.”

I let him handle it, and in the end the correct order came out.

We get along better when he handles his own care. I don’t attend all his doctor appointments with him, but I would like to. He has one next month, and I want to go with him to ask about having all the arthritis in his feet removed. I told him to ask about it, but is he going to? At what point do we as caregivers let go of having our hand in everything?

When can we finally, fully release control?

Featuring Caregivers of Wounded Warriors

2010-09-16T20:45:00.000-04:00

Starting next week I am going to feature caregivers of wounded warriors. I will provide a biography, photo, and link to their blog or website. I hope that this will bring awareness to others about what these courageous women do for their warriors. It will also be interesting to hear about the varying degrees of injuries. Please support and empower these wonderful women.

Boston Vets Check Out The Strength At Home Program

2010-09-14T19:45:00.000-04:00

Are you struggling with conflict or other difficulties in your relationship after military service? The Strength At Home Programs are here to support you.

Strength At Home Couples’ Program:
This Strength At Home couples program involves participation in 10 couples’ classes, focusing on enhancing communication, closeness, and happiness in your relationship. OEF/OIF active duty, Guard/Reservists, and veterans are eligible.

Strength At Home Men’s Program:
The Strength At Home Men’s Program involves participation in 12 weekly classes, and is for veterans of any era. Classes focus on developing a better understanding of anger problems, learning ways to manage anger and stress more effectively, and strategies to communicate more effectively in your relationships. The goal of the program is to help you strengthen your relationships, so that you can improve other areas of your life.

Classes run on weekday evenings at the Boston and Providence VA hospitals. These programs are part of an ongoing research studies to improve services for service members and military families. Please visit their website

Entrepreneurship Bootcamp for Veterans' Families (EBV-F)

2010-09-13T20:25:00.000-04:00

I wanted to share this information for caregivers of wounded warriors and surviving spouses. The EBV-F program is an education and training program offered by the Whitman School of Management at Syracuse University. The program leverages the flexibility inherent in small business ownership to provide a vocational and economic "path-forward" for military family members who are now caregivers to a wounded warrior - or for the surviving spouse of a military member who gave his or her life in service to our country.

The EBV-F program integrates training in small business management, with caregiver and family issues, positioning the family member to launch and grow a small business in a way that is complementary or enhancing to other family responsibilities. Modeled after the existing Entrepreneurship Bootcamp for Veterans with Disabilities (EBV) initiative, the EBV Families program will be offered without any cost to accepted applicants. The Whitman School of Management will launch the first EBV-F program in November of 2010.

Applications will be accepted beginning April 5, 2010.

Scholarships for Spouses/Caregivers

2010-09-08T19:15:00.000-04:00

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

From: Hope For The Warriors®
Contacts: Kathi Delay, 910.546.1166 or kathi@hopeforthewarriors.org

Scholarships applications now available for Spring 2011
Hope For The Warriors to grant scholarships to spouses/caregivers

CAMP LEJEUNE, NC, August 13, 2010 – Hope For The Warriors® is pleased to announce the release of the Spring 2011 scholarship application on their website, http://www.hopeforthewarriors.org/spouse.html. Spouses and caregivers of wounded service members or spouses of fallen service members are eligible to apply. Hope For The Warriors® is a national nonprofit organization that supports wounded U.S. service members, their families, and families of the fallen.

The purpose of the spouse/caregiver scholarships is to identify, recognize and reward exceptional spouses/caregivers for their strength, fidelity and resolve despite adversity and to aid in their continued education at a reputable, accredited college or trade school as they assume critical roles in the financial well being of their families. Four scholarships in the amount of $5,000 will be awarded and one scholarship in the amount of $1,250. Previous winners may reapply for up to four years for a maximum of $20,000 awarded.

To apply for a scholarship, the applicant must meet all eligibility requirements as outlined on the website as well as submit all required items no later than Wednesday, October 13, 2010. Questions about eligibility or the application should be emailed to scholarship@hopeforthewarriors.org.

Last year, eligibility for a scholarship was extended to caregivers. Hope For The Warriors® recognizes that many of the wounded are cared for by mothers, fathers, siblings, or other family members. Giving eligibility to these necessary caregivers helps Hope For The Warriors® recognize their invaluable contribution to the recovery and rehabilitation of all wounded service members.

“When a service member is wounded, it impacts the entire family emotionally and financially,” said Kathi Delay, Spouse/Caregiver Scholarship Director. “Hope For The Warriors® recognizes that these family members need our support as they take on new challenges and family roles.”

The mission of Hope For The Warriors® is to enhance quality of life for U.S. service members and their families nationwide who have been adversely affected by injuries or death in the line of duty. Hope For The Warriors® actively seeks to ensure that the sacrifices of wounded and fallen warriors and their families are never forgotten nor their needs unmet.

Hope For The Warriors® (Federal Tax ID 20-5182295) is a 501(c)(3) tax-exempt charity as defined in sections 509(A)(1) and 170(B)(1)(A)(VI) of the Internal Revenue Code. Combined Federal Campaign, CFC #27800.

###

Road Trips and PTSD

2010-09-02T14:29:00.000-04:00

When Bryan was first injured, he couldn’t drive. The first time I took him anywhere outside of the hospital, I drove about ten miles down the road to grab some lunch. He panicked the entire ride because he thought there were IEDs in the debris on the side of the road. It was horrible, to say the least. I didn’t want to drive anywhere with him for a long time after that experience.

Now he has enough reason to know that things in the road or on the shoulder are not filled with IEDs. However he still gets "heightened" most of the time we are driving anywhere. I still take the wheel because Bryan isn’t a good driver and it is more comfortable for him to ride. This weekend we decided to go to Chattanooga with my cousins. On the way, we got caught in Friday rush-hour traffic, and Bryan started tensing up.

Bryan started with the death grip on the car door handle and slamming his foot on the imaginary brake. Then he thought I was too close to a car or not hitting my brakes early enough, I could feel the tension in the car building. I told him to relax or that we weren’t going to get in to a wreck, but it didn’t seem to help.

If a car zoomed by us trying to pass someone, he tensed up again. If someone cut me off, he was mad that they did that or he thought they were going to slam on their brakes. I couldn’t do anything about how the others are driving, but he started yelling for me to stay away from them. We drove in to a little rain storm that lasted a couple of minutes. He told me to slow down because it’s raining so hard, and I needed new tires -- the list went on and on.

What’s ironic is when Bryan is driving; the car weaves in and out of traffic or goes too fast. He has no business criticizing my skills.

It is something about not being in control that he can’t deal with. Throughout any ride, no matter how fast or slow I go or the distance I keep from other cars, he has major anxiety. Then I tense up and I just want the trip to be over. It just makes me unnerved by the time we get there.

I am not sure that this is something that will ever go away for him.

The Ride for Semper Fi

2010-08-25T18:33:00.001-04:00

I received this press release today and thought I would share. I am impressed by the cyclists dedication to raise money for injured Marines. I know many families who have been greatly helped by the Semper Fi Fund.

Cycling Enthusiasts Raise Money for Injured Marines
The Ride for Semper Fi is well on its way to raise $177,500
PHOENIX—When 50 cycling enthusiasts pedal from Phoenix to San Diego this October,
they’ll not only test their endurance, they’ll be on a mission to make a difference. The third
annual Ride for Semper Fi, which begins Oct. 13, is a 430-mile, three-day cycling adventure
to raise money for injured Marines. The goal is to raise $177,500 for the Injured Marine
Semper Fi Fund by the time the cyclists end the ride at Sea World on Oct. 16. To date, they
have raised nearly $120,000.
“We are not professional athletes or career fundraisers, but we are people who want to give
back to those Marines who have sacrificed so much of themselves in order to fight for our
country,” John Greenway, founder and chairman of The Ride for Semper Fi, said.
Between now and the Ride’s kick-off in October, the 50 riders who participate—including
some injured Marines who have benefited from the fund in the past—devote nearly five
months to a rigorous training regime. They complete training rides of up to 100 miles while
also continuing their individual fundraising efforts.
In 2009, the Ride raised more than $150,000 to help defray expenses, assist in recovery and
support family members of Armed Forces service people injured in combat. This year, the
fundraising goal is $177,500, which will help pay for medical expenses, physical therapy and
other necessary equipment, such as wheelchairs and prostheses.
“The Marine Corps was founded in 1775,” Greenway said. “So, we knew that raising
$177,500 would really mean something to those Marines who are so important to us and our
cause. It’s not only about raising the money. It’s about showing them that we respect their
history, and recognize their significant contribution to our country’s history, too.”
Greenway first envisioned The Ride for Semper Fi when he attended his nephew’s
graduation from Marine Corps boot camp. Knowing his nephew would likely be deployed to
Iraq or Afghanistan, Greenway became determined to make a significant contribution for his
nephew and all other Marines fighting overseas.
The
Ride
for
Semper
Fi
Press
Release
Page
2
of
2
August
25,
2010
The Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund is a non-profit charity that has given more than $38
million in grants to more than 15,000 injured Marines and their families. The Fund provides
immediate financial assistance to defray hospital bills and recovery expenses.
For more information about The Ride for Semper Fi, its next rider-fundraiser, or to make a
donation, visit www.therideforsemperfi.com.
About The Ride for Semper Fi
The third annual Ride for Semper Fi is a philanthropic bicycle ride that begins in Scottsdale,
Ariz., and ends three days and 430 miles later at SeaWorld in San Diego. Fifty cycling
enthusiasts, including some former Marines, will complete the journey. The ride begins on
Oct. 13, but the fundraising journey begins now with a goal to raise more than $177,500 to
benefit the Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund. To donate to the Ride for Semper Fi, or to learn
more about us, visit: www.therideforsemperfi.com.
# # #

Operation Homefront Celebration in Colorado Springs

2010-08-25T18:16:00.000-04:00

HOMEFRONT CELEBRATION COMES TO COLORADO SPRINGS
Spa Event to Benefit Military Spouses

Colorado Springs, CO -- Operation Homefront will host a special event for military spouses, a Homefront Celebration, on September 18, 2010 at the Cheyenne Mountain Resort.

All military spouses in the Colorado Springs area are invited to participate in a meal and enjoy relaxation, inspiration and laughter. Each attendee will also receive a gift bag filled with spa items to pamper themselves at home. This event is generously sponsored by TriWest Healthcare Alliance and is open to all military spouses.

“TriWest understands that the families of our military service members make tremendous sacrifices when their loved ones choose to defend our country,” said David J. McIntyre, Jr., president and CEO of TriWest Healthcare Alliance. “Military spouses often do double-duty as parents, while also worrying about someone in harm’s way overseas. By partnering with Operation Homefront, TriWest is continuing our commitment to serve and support the men and women in uniform and their families.”

The Colorado Springs event is one of six Homefront Celebrations being held for military spouses across the nation. Each event will host up to 150 military spouses and will begin with a reception, followed by an elegant four-course dinner.

The evening will feature Marshele Carter Waddell, Author of “Hope for the Home Front”, Co-Author of “When War Comes Home” and Founder of One Hope, a non-profit organization which brings hope, healing and solutions to military families.

Homefront Online will host an Internet cafe to visit the online networking magazine and to chat with other military spouses around the world.

Military spouses many times have to simultaneously be the mother, father, peacemaker, referee and keep the homefront together while every member of the family sacrifices through service. This community event allows Operation Homefront and TriWest Healthcare Alliance the opportunity to show gratitude for all they do.

Military spouses interested in participating may register for the events online at: www.HomefrontOnline.com or www.OperationHomefront.net .

# # #

About TriWest
TriWest Healthcare Alliance partners with the Department of Defense to do "Whatever It Takes" to support the healthcare needs of 2.7 million members of America's military family. A Phoenix-based corporation, TriWest provides access to cost-effective, high-quality health care in the 21-state TRICARE West Region. Follow us on Twitter and Facebook, or visit www.triwest.com for more information.

About Operation Homefront
Operation Homefront provides emergency financial and other assistance to the families of our service members and wounded warriors. A national nonprofit, Operation Homefront leads more than 4,500 volunteers across 23 chapters and has met more than 267,000 needs since 2002. A four-star rated charity by watchdog Charity Navigator, nationally, $.95 of total revenue donated to Operation Homefront goes to programs. For more information about Operation Homefront, please visit some of our useful links below:

 OH Main Website
 OH ONLINE Community
 OH Volunteer
 OH Donate:
 OH Facebook
 OH Twitter: @Op_Homefront
 Del.cious

6 A.M. Call

2010-08-24T20:52:00.000-04:00

This morning Bryan's phone started ringing at 6 A.M. it was a 423 area code that called him twice yesterday. I asked him to please answer the phone. It was the doctor about his orthodics. I called again a couple of weeks ago to check on this since the order was lost last time. The Doctor informed him this morning that they sent his orthodics to the wrong person. Here is the tally:
1 month wait for the appointment to get orthotics made
3 trips to the VA to get them made
7 months of waiting for them to be delivered
2 phone calls to his case manager to find out the order was lost
1 more phone call from said case manager to put in a note to the doctor
1 call from the doctor to say someone else has his orthodics

What should have taken 1 trip to the VA and a 6 weeks wait for them delivered turned in to this. I am questioning why we didn't just get a referral through Tricare to get them made here in town. We would have had them a lot sooner, with less time wasted, and less frustration.

"Restrepo"

2010-08-21T08:23:00.002-04:00

I went to see the film “Restrepo “with a friend last weekend. Bryan was out of town, and I thought he probably shouldn’t go anyway due to the content of the film. The film shows a tight-knit group of soldiers in a combat team from Battle Company of the 173d Airborne Brigade fighting in the Korengal Valley. It is one of the most deadliest and dangerous places in Afghanistan.

This was not Hollywood-glam of version of war, this was the real thing. The sound of bullets were cracks -- not booms -- this is exactly how my husband described it when bullets whizzed by his Kevlar. In the opening scene there were soldiers talking about drinking before going to war; their personalities were shining through. In the next scene, an IED exploded; I was definitely startled by the magnitude of the blast.

These men had a bond that is undeniable, they were brothers in war. I started to love these soldiers as I watched each interview. I began to notice how young they are, and how tough this 15- month deployment has been. I was definitely more invested in this movie because of all the information I’ve seen in the last couple of months and the fact that my husband deployed three times.

A couple of things really stood out to me while watching. The first was the title of the movie. It was named after a Juan “Doc” Restrepo that was shown in the beginning of the film. He later died while fighting. The soldiers ended up naming their outpost after him.

Second was the comment that one soldier made while reflecting on his time at war. He said that fighting it such an adrenaline high, nothing is going to compare to it. When asked what he was going to do when he got home, how he was going to get that same high, I could tell he was worried. His response: “I don’t know.”

I know my husband is the same way. He is always trying to find things that “are fast enough to be stupid on.”

The third standout point of the film was when another soldier was killed and others wounded in a fierce fire fight. One of the soldiers knew something happened, that someone died. He broke into a panicky wail; his heart was shattered. That’s when my tears started to flow. His emotional reaction to a fellow soldier being killed was almost too much for me to bear.

In the end, I think this was an accurate portrayal of war without a political agenda. I was comforted by how swiftly they care for the wounded and evac them to the nearest medical facility. It warmed my heart to see the camaraderie of the soldiers with one another. I have seen it outside of war with my husband and his men, but to see it while fighting just proves that war isn’t all bad. They can still have fun, joke around and show how much they care for one another.

The Journey Home

2010-08-11T18:11:00.000-04:00

I recorded “The Journey Home” that aired Saturday night on CNN. I decided to sit down today and watch the journey of wounded warriors from Afghanistan back to the States. There were some alarming statistics shown in between the segments, and I feel these numbers speak for themselves.

8.061 million veterans in the VA healthcare system
3.16 million veterans receiving VA disability compensation
2,510 wounded in action in 2010 through July
7,285 wounded in action in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan

While this segment was showing troops who were wounded in Afghanistan and Bryan’s injuries occurred in Iraq, I wanted to see what the process was like. I asked Bryan last night if he remembered the flight in the C17. He said he didn’t because he was on life support and very heavily medicated. He said he does remember a small bit of the helicopter flight to Balad. They stated that those who can speak are handed a phone to call home on their flight to Germany or the States. I am so thankful that they get the opportunity to call.

They featured several wounded warriors. Spc. Gary Davis had on a neck brace and lost parts of both of his legs due to an IED. He said he was being sent to Walter Reed and his parents were supposed to meet him there. Pfc. James Darlington had arm injuries and at first thought he was going to lose it. The doctors reassured him that he was no longer in danger of amputation. With that being said, infection is a main concern with these types of injures, the flight crew said. A lot of the wounded warriors were talking about leaving their comrades while they were sent home to rehabilitate. They were concerned about them and wanted to continue to fight alongside them. I remember Bryan having the same concerns when he got to Walter Reed. He was always talking about his men and hoping that they were going to be OK.
During the segment they didn’t show those who were on life support and were too incapacitated to speak. They did say that they keep some warriors alive on a ventilator until they can get them home so the family can say their final goodbyes. My heart sank at the thought of these warriors’ not getting the opportunity to rehabilitate. Their journey was over.

Gen. Doug Robb, who oversees the 6500 AMC medical personnel at 11 treatment centers, spoke toward the end of the segment. I was glad to see that he commended the amazing medical crew that aids not only in the trauma centers in-country but also sits by the warriors’ sides through the long flight back to the States. He said that 88 percent of the air medical crew is reservist or National Guard. Without this amazing crew, the warriors would not be in peace during their flight. For those who are alert you could see the bond that the crew and the warriors made in their journey home.

I was glad that I watched this piece even though it stirred up some old emotions. It is amazing how skilled the trauma nurses and doctors are. Without their swift action, I doubt my soldier would be here with me today.

Spouse READI Program

2010-08-09T20:40:00.000-04:00

I am participating in a similar program and have gained support and knowledge. If you are interested please email or call.

Spouse READI assistance

For Spouses of service members who have returned from Iraq or Afghanistan

A Department of Defense and Army funded research study administered by the

Memphis Veterans Affairs Medical Center

Spouses will receive (by random assignment) either:

Telephone support groups, one hour, two times a month for 6 months, or

Telephone/online education sessions, 45 minutes, two times a month for 6 months, or

Printed resources and a one-on-one workshop at the end of the study period

Spouses learn ways to manage stress and solve problems related to reintegration

Education about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Traumatic Brain Injury, and other common problems

For Information or to Enroll please contact us at:

Spouse READI

Email: vhamemsbm@va.gov

Call: (901) 577-7485 or (800) 636-8262, ext. 7485

See the Website: www.memphis.va.gov/spousesupport

Operation Homefront Wounded Warrior Wives

2010-08-05T18:21:00.000-04:00

I am going to be working with Operation Homefront's Wounded Warrior Wives Program. I have been a member of their forums for a long time now. It was the first place I found support after Bryan was injured and I am so thankful for this amazing opportunity. I have been hoping and praying for a way to work with wives of the wounded and now I am able to do this. I am thrilled!

For more information on Wounded Warrior Wives click here and it is a private group so that we can talk in a safe place. Also it is not just for wives; it can be mothers, sisters, girlfriends, fiances, grandmothers, etc. Any female caregiver of a wounded warrior. There will be an online application to join the group and also once you have joined click on the forum named "Interested in Receiving a Care Package Courtesy of WalMart and Operation Homefront?" about 3/4 of the way down. You will receive a care package of things you will definately enjoy.

In addition please "like" the facebook page for this group listed here.

I hope to see you all on the forums and facebook page very soon.

News....

2010-08-03T21:21:00.000-04:00

I've got some great news. I am too tired to write all about it tonight but soon I will fill you all in. I am so excited!

Alive Day #4

2010-07-29T14:48:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was Bryan's 4th Alive Day. I was feeling very emotional the night before as I watched the past two episodes of "Army Wives" about TBI. I quit watching this show a while ago because it brought up too much "stuff". Sometimes it's hard enough to feel what is going on in your own life that it becomes too hard to see it be played out on TV.

However, a wounded warrior wife texted me and told me to watch as it was going to be about TBI. I watched as Joan got treatment for what seemed was a mild TBI. My husband was never offered that. We sought out help on our own 3 1/2 years later. That is another reason why I quit watching the show, it isn't realistic in some avenues. However at the end when they deployed out of the hanger it brought back those old feelings. Lonliness, fear, nervousness, pride, anger, etc.

Nonetheless I knew my emotions were running high because the day I got this call changed my life forever. The anniversary was coming and I couldn't stop it or avoid it so I decided to wallow in my grief for a couple of hours.

With all that being said I am in such a good place, we are in a such good place. When Bryan called he knew something was wrong and I explained how I was feeling. He was so caring and thoughtful. Before he would have said just get over it, this day comes every year. It's amazing it took this many years to get here but I give the credit to God. Prayer, deligince, patience, and understanding is what got us here. I never forget what we have been through and I would do it all again if I had to. We are lucky, blessed beyond belief that Bryan is still here. We celebrated with a nice steak dinner complete with dessert and had a wonderful Alive Day party last weekend. All our friends and family were here to celebrate how far he has come.

Happy Alive Day to my Hero, my love, my husband.

Call with Dr. Harch

2010-07-26T17:14:00.002-04:00

I am going to include the 3 SPECT scans that Bryan had done in New Orleans, the first scan is before treatment, second is after 1 treatment of HBOT, and the last is after 40 treatments. They will be inserted in that order. Please click on pictures for a bigger view. Below that I will include the explanation that Dr. Harch included as well as the notes I took on the call we had yesterday.
Brain Scan 1

On each print of each scan are the transverse slices of the brain blood flow images on the right and the three dimensional reconstruction of the slices on the left. There are 4 views of the 3-D reconstruction. When looking at the transverse slices of each scan date remember that you are looking at each scan slice from your feet so that the right side of each slice image on the paper, as you are looking at it, is the left side of your head and vice versa. The slice image is in the position you were laying on the scanning table so that the top of each slice image is your face and the bottom is the back of your head.

The color format is white/yellow, orange, purple, blue, and black in descending order of blood flow. The scanner computer picks the area of highest brain blood flow and gives it a relative value of 100. All of the remaining little voxels (cubes) of brain blood flow are referenced to this value of 100 so that the scan gives a picture of each brain area's blood flow in relation to the rest of the brain. The most important finding is smoothness of each slice or balance of blood flow in the brain. In other words, normal is the least variation in colors. Abnormal is when you have bright white/yellow areas alternating with orange, purple, or blue. The effect of HBOT is to cause the brain to function more normally and have a very narrow range of brain blood flow. This translates to a color map that is smooth, i.e., very little alternation between high and low blood flow. If you look at the two scans side by side you will see a smoothing effect after HBOT. This usually correlates with a person feeling and thinking better.

The three dimensional pictures are a computer reconstruction of the outermost voxels on the entire surface of the brain using the transverse images. Most of the time, but not always, if the transverse images show the smoothing effect after HBOT (again, the most important finding) it will be captured as an improvement in the 3-D images. The 3-D's show four views of the brain: front, both sides, and top. When there is a significant reduction in brain blood flow the computer will register it as a "hole." It is not a real hole in your brain; it is just a method to visualize the areas of injury or areas that, in general, are not working well as a result of your injury. Most of the time the 3-D's show improvement in the areas of significant deficits in blood flow after HBOT. Sometimes there is some rearrangement of blood flow such that some small holes can appear after HBOT. This is not significant. The other finding of importance is that the high/low variation in blood flow described above on the transverse slices gets translated to a "rough" appearance of the surface of the 3-D's. In almost every case after HBOT the surface of the 3-D appears smoother. The rule of thumb is that the transverse brain slices truly register the injury and the 3-D usually is consistent with the transverse slices. If it is not don't be concerned because the 3-D is not an exact measurement. It is a visual tool to help you read brain blood flow in your brain at the time of the imaging.

Also included is a copy of your neuropsychological (cognitive) test scores before and after HBOT as well as your PTSD and quality of life questionnaire scores.

It is going to be hard to compare these side by side. However you can see the brain damaged areas, yellow and white get better even after 1 treatment. Dr. Harch stated that they saw one of the biggest improvements after just 1 treatment. He had a huge color change in the 5th and 6th rows on the first and second scans.

The "hole" indicated that the frontal and temporal lobes were damaged. These are most common with memory loss. The brain injury was all over which is common with IED brain injuries but there was more damage in the frontal lobe with a emphasis in the left. He said that there was a remarkable change in the imaging and he fit the study perfectly. He said this injury was very real and the problems that he was having were definitely from the TBI. It was nice to feel validated and get treatment when Walter Reed basically said wait two years and if it doesn't get better that's as good as you will get.

On the neuropsychological test evaluation. His IQ improved 6 points on the pre and post tests. There are areas that can't be learned or practiced and he improved vastly in these areas. He improved in the peg board, auditory memory, and verbal (the biggest thing that improved).

Bryan's depression index went down 19% and this is the biggest they have ever seen. His anxiety also went down considerably. His PTSD also went down and his symptoms of depression and anxiety went down.

Finally he said that there will be residual problems and suggested 40 more treatments to improve his brain. He said that Tricare has been paying for these and if he needed help let him know. Aging, like I mentioned in my last depressing post, can become quicker with cognitive problems. He said that don't let the doctors think he is crazy when he starts having problems and demand more HBOT. Right now we will be shooting for 40 more treatments with a random 6 or so maintenance treatments per year.

Sorry if this is confusing (I don't understand a lot of it myself) but wanted to share to let other's know there is hope. Things can get better and there is a treatment for this without eating a bunch of pills. I am so thankful and have been quite emotional since we went over all this yesterday. With his Alive Day coming up and being validated and knowing this helped. I feel so blessed.

Breathe

2010-07-25T12:11:00.000-04:00

The 28th it will be 4 years since Bryan was seriously injured. Before that he was deployed for 10.5 months. I feel like I haven't truly breathed in 5 years. I feel like I was holding my breathe for his safe return, I was holding my breathe that he would stablize and make it home alive, and I was holding my breathe waiting for the next explosion or anger outburst.

While things have been for the most part great since January I still feel like I am holding my breathe. I wonder when the ball is going to drop, when he is going to go back to his reclusive exsistance. I wonder if he is going to come home one day and say he quit his job, or he had another wreck, or he wants to move. When am I ever going to be able to let go and breathe? I think that anyone that has sustained a similar trauma feels like things will never stabilize. That you are constantly in this state of limbo.

I am not naive however I know that something can happen at any time. We don't know everything about his injury or if something is going to come up one day. I know his life is going to be shortened from this. I made the mistake of going to this alzheizemers seminar once. They said that those that have a TBI can start showing symptoms of alzheimers as early as 40. That is 7 years away for Bryan. The natural aging of people who are healthy, have strong bones, all their pieces start very late in life but is it going to start earlier for him? He is already eaten up with arthritis. I am not sure how I started thinking about this but I want his quality of life to be good. I don't want him to suffer, I want both of us to breathe.

Brain Scans and Orthotics

2010-07-17T10:29:00.000-04:00

Last weekend Bryan got his brain scans from the hyperbaric treatment. We are making a phone appointment with the Doctor to go over them. From what we can tell in some areas Bryan improved as much as 60%. This is great news and I am so happy. Now that we have the results we can take them to his Primary Care Doctor and he will refer him to the hyperbaric center here. Let's just hope that Tricare will pay for it.

Remember the whole ordeal with the Orthotics? It took Bryan three trips to Johnson City before they were finally made. They still have not arrived in the mail. Bryan called his case manager and they forgot to put the order in so she had them submit it. Unreal! That was several weeks ago and they still aren't here. His feet kill him in the steel toe boots he has to wear for work and he could really use them. Always a fight and hurry up and wait.

In other news I have been going weekly for my bee and allergy shots. Remember this reaction I had on Bryan's last Alive Day? Well I got some blood tests done for the bees. They said I was allergy to 4 out of 5. I ended up getting scratch tested for the one, Honey Bee, that I didn't come up positive for. I ended up being positive for that as well. They were injecting me 11 times a week. 9 injections for bees and two for allergies. My arms hurt so badly when I get the bee shots. My muscle feels like concrete, my entire upper arm is red and swollen, and they felt as if they were on fire. I couldn't sleep or brush my arms against anything.

I couldn't take it anymore a couple weeks ago and called the doctor. They said I am having a reaction and put me on steroids and reduced the dose from 9 to 3 a week. I was so thankful to feel better before my trip to DC and have a break from injections. I went Monday for my lower dose of bee shots and it got hot and my muscle hurt again. Apparently I am so allergic that even the mild dose of 0.03 dose is killing me. It didn't last as long and the flaming wasn't as intense. That night I got a migraine. I don't know if I can continue this anymore. I am going to try two more times and if it doesn't get better I am quitting. I am not going to be miserable half the week. However I don't want to be scared of being outdoors or working in my gardens. We will see.

4th of July Weekend

2010-07-06T16:00:00.000-04:00

Wednesday before the Fourth I got a call from the Wounded Warrior Project inviting us to a show at the Ryman on Saturday night and the fireworks show on Sunday. I was a bit concerned about the crowds and the fireworks as neither of these things are Bryan's friend. I called Bryan and asked if he wanted to go. I told him they would have a VIP area where we would be away from the crowd and if he didn't want to stay for the fireworks we didn't have to. He agreed!

A couple of my friends from the caregivers retreat were going to be there and our husband's could meet. We have talked so much about our husbands that it was amazing that we had never met.

We headed to Nashville Satuday morning and spent the morning with my Mom and Sister. We then headed downtown for the show and the main artist was Wynona Judd. During the show they talked about the Wounded Warriors and there was a standing ovation. It definately sent a chill down my spine.

Sunday we spent the day at my Dad's house and swam at the pool. Bryan was being very social and we had a great day. That night we headed downtown and got there early enough before the major slew of people came filing in. Bryan and my friend's husband started talking and he spent the rest of the night in the chair next to him telling war stories. I was so glad he didn't flee to the usual corner and not speak to anyone.

We stayed for the fireworks and I was definately concerned. Nashville has some of the best fireworks in the Nation so it is very loud. As they started I reached back and held Bryan's hand and watched the show. Some of them even scared me. I know that Secondary PTSD is something I have and usually I will react when Bryan reacts or in anticipation of a reaction. He did very well. At one point he got this nervous smile. I know he enjoyed them but was also trying to stay calm. I am so thankful for this opportunity from Wounded Warrior Project. If we hadn't had our own area it wouldn't have worked for Bryan. For the first time since he was hurt we got to enjoy the 4th of July together.

I ended up with a migraine that night and Bryan had to fight the traffic to get us home while I was in horrid pain. The next day I asked if he felt OK while watching the fireworks and he said yes. I think he is finally learning some coping skills and opening up to fellow wounded warriors. Bryan even said next time we head to Nashville that he wants to meet up with this couple. Progress! I am so thankful for it.

I am in DC this week. I am off work and my Mom is heading here for a little mini vacation. Everytime my Mom came to visit us when we lived here it ended up being a disaster. I want her to come and enjoy things without the stress.

War Letters, PTSD, and Friends

2010-06-29T15:59:00.001-04:00

This post will be broken in to 3 parts as I just rolled everything I wanted to say in to 1 post. It might be kind of long sorry.

Over the last couple of weeks I have been reading the letters that Bryan and I wrote back and forth over the two year long deployments. I am thinking about writing a book and this would be a great way to show how our relationship was before he got hurt. It has really thrown me into a falling funk. Bryan was so immensely romantic and wanted nothing more than to marry me, have a family, enjoy life. We had so many hopes and dreams. I feel like at times I don't know who that Bryan was. I can hardly remember it. While things have gotten so much better since January I am still missing parts of my Bryan.

I had to take a break from reading the letters. He wrote 60 to me and I wrote about double that to him. I started to get angry and resentful of him. I read some of the letters to him and he listened. He rolled his eyes and thought some of the stuff he said was stupid. He couldn't believe he was so gushy and make your teeth ache sweet.
There are parts of the letters I wouldn't want to include in the book but Bryan said add it all. I am glad he did at least listen to the letters and it reminded him of the love we shared before an IED kept part of him in Iraq. I think that it's hard to see in black and white the difference. I always knew the parts that I lost but it's almost like he is a different person.

I was feeling alone in this. I didn't know who to tell that I was feeling this way. I shared some with my good friend that lives here and she reminded me this wouldn't be easy but it's something I want to do. I really want to write this book but I am scared of failing. I am afraid people won't care to read it. I will have to go back and add things that happened that I have never shared. I think America needs to hear this though. This is what happens when a warrior comes home wounded. We were so young and freshly married and it was all ripped away.

This weekend however our friend from WRAMC came down. Overall it was a great visit. He wanted to go out on Saturday night so we headed to a local brewery. We were trying to pull up in the handicap parking spot downtwon. If I haven't mentioned it before D is a double below the knee amputee. There was a hotel shuttle sitting in the handicap space with his flashers on. I thought oh hell no this is NOT a loading zone. I waited patiently for about 10 minutes and he wouldn't move. I kindly beeped my horn and pointed to the sign. He didn't move. I asked one of the guys to go and say something. Bryan said no. I was surprised as we had an incident like this before in DC and Bryan ran off spouting his mouth at a cab driver in the handicap spot. He finally did get out and went to speak to the idiot, I mean driver of the shuttle. Bryan said hey man your parked in the handicap parking spot. He said what do you want me to do about. Bryan said move and the guy said no. Luckily Bryan kept his cool. He came back in the car and said he wouldn't move. I wish I had gotten this man's plate number before his passengers showed up and he drove off.

We went into the restaurant and it was loud and busy enough for a wait. Bryan doesn't do well in these environments so he went to ask about sitting outside. D looked at me and said as Bryan was limping off, your hanging out with two gimps tonight. I said well it's how I roll I wouldn't have it any other way. After dinner and drinks we headed to another bar that included live music. I grabbed a table while the guys went to the restroom. I once again wasn't thinking and their backs were to the crowd. D saw an open booth and asked if we could move there because he didn't like his back to the crowd. I agreed and we moved. While D and I were having a good time Bryan just sat there not speaking. He would flinch or act agitated if I talked too loud or tried to touch him. He was not having fun. He hates crowds and he just zoned out. I knew the night wouldn't be great for him but we were entertaining our friend we never get to see. I sometimes want to snap him out of it and scream for him to have fun.

Sunday we decided to go kayaking. Our guide just so happened to be retired Army of 26years and was going to Afghan soon for contract work. He also is the local chapter for the non profit Heroes on the Water. It couldn't have been a better match. He was awesome and enjoyed talking to the guys. Bryan spent a lot of the time kayaking way ahead and having some quiet time and I was OK with that. We ended up kayaking 9 miles and it was a beautiful day to be on the water and views of the mountains.

I love when our friends from WRAMC come and visit. It makes everything feel so normal and they understand what we have been through since they were there. We are so lucky to have them in our lives still.

Pain

2010-06-26T18:40:00.000-04:00

It has been almost 4 years since Bryan was hurt. He is still in pain everyday. I wish I could take the pain from him, bear some of his load. I honestly didn't think this cronic pain would be lifelong but I am afraid it is here to stay. He usually just deals with it and he never complains. I know when he is pain as he sits and can't move and his mood will change.

This morning he was in the best mood acting silly and doing some chores around the house. Our bestfriend from Walter Reed D is coming to visit this weekend and he wanted the house to be in tip top shape. He was doing some weeding outside and that ruined him for the rest of the day. He became cranky and couldn't move. I asked what was wrong and he said his legs hurt. He has been taking pain pills again recently. Usually he just deals with the pain but I guess it has gotten too bad again. He said his knee is still causing him a great deal of pain. I hope it doesn't mean something is wrong.

I have come to accept that this is part of our life. There will be limitations and pain daily. I wanted him to be able to still be his young and active self. It is a sad reality that this is not the case. His entire foot in covered in arthritis and last year we were told to let it plateu and then have the doctor go in and remove it. It might be something we need to start looking in to.

Life is good when....

2010-06-17T14:44:00.002-04:00

You truly know who you are, you know who you want in your life, and you know what you want out of life. I have come to this point at my age of 28. I have always been one of those people who was relatively satisfied with my life or situation. I was never very immature, I didn't participate in girl drama, I was comfortable in my own skin. Maybe that is why the military life worked out for me. I was able to be independent as well as dependent. I was able to get the house cleaned, yard mowed, school work completed, and work a job.

I have come to find out a lot over the past 4 years. I know what friends I want in my life and know when to get rid of those that don't "get it" or make it all about them. I know and have known that it isn't what is on my resume that makes me "somebody" it's how I help people. It isn't about how much money I make as long as I have the things I need and some of the things I want. I think that becoming a full blown grown up is hard for some people and I have to say I have come into my own. I guess the point that I am trying to get across is that I feel good about this point in my life and who I have become.

When Bryan was hurt my life was in a tailspin. I couldn't help him and I couldn't help myself. We were both just miserable. To see a 28 year old's livelihood get ripped away is a tough thing to swallow. I no longer knew my purpose, I no longer knew where I was supposed to be going, or when my life would settle down. I had no timeline because I was at the hands of the Army. I didn't have a home and we were both just trying to cope. I am not saying now that I don't need to still do some work. I think life is a constant string of self-checks and readjustment. I still carry scars but for the most part I am confident in who I've become.

I have the most wonderful group of friends from all different kinds of backgrounds. They are all intelligent and know what it is like to face hardships at a young age. My wounded wives are the most courageous women I know. I honestly don't know where I would be without them in my life.

Life has just really taken a turn for us and I hope it continues. It's hard believing it might stay this way but it's been pretty good for a while.

In the Woods

2010-06-16T17:04:00.000-04:00

Last weekend Karie, her sister, and myself headed to Gatlinburg for the weekend. Someone that helped process her VA paperwork gave her the cabin for the weekend and it was a nice getaway. We hiked to Laural Falls on Saturday, ate lots of food, and drank some wine. Sunday we decided to go ziplining in the woods and we had a blast! We had fun zipping along and laughing when we went spinning.

I think Karie is holding up so well. I can't imagine what she is going through and I am surprised she can even get out of the bed everyday. It was so nice to spend time with her and I didn't want her to go home. It's crazy that this is the 4th time we have ever hung out together and one time was under the worst circumstances. She is a brave and amazing woman and I am proud to call her a good friend.

Here are some pictures from our trip.

Coping Strategies

2010-06-07T20:54:00.000-04:00

Bryan and I have coping strategies for his TBI, PTSD, and injuries. On our vacation Bryan tried very hard at handling the bills at resturants or talking to the water taxi driver. However it took him half the week to remember what resort we were staying at or what room number. Someone would ask where we were staying and Bryan would pause and look at me for the answer. He doesn't even have to ask me where I just know to answer. Sometimes if he even knows the answer he can't process the answer fast enough or just expects me to answer for him. Sometimes I don't and wait for him to remember and he answers.

A couple of weeks ago we had met our friends at a Mexican resturant and Bryan remembered what happened the last time we went. He asked me when we pulled into the parking lot what we always ordered. I answered chicken fajetas and this time he was able to order without forgetting or feeling the pressure. I thought it was a good way for him to cope.

I usually remember not to do things to startle or scare Bryan but I made a big mistake a couple of nights ago. He fell asleep on the couch and I called his name several times. I thought I saw his eyes open a little bit but I now know that they didn't. I came up and lightly touched him on the chest. He awoke with sheer terror on his face and said you scared the shit out of me! Back away Back Away! I stepped back and started the string of apologies but I knew better. I should never touch him while he is sleeping.

Bryan also compensates for his leg injuries. When we get into the car I back out of the garage and have the seat pushed all the way back. He then puts his left leg in first and stands up almost on that leg to get his right leg in without bending it. He can't sit well or at all in the backseats of some cars. His leg just doesn't bend. This is normal for us and it only becomes a problem when we are riding with someone and he can't get in. Some days Bryan gets by without limping. Most people don't notice he is injured but I see where he compensates.

He will put more pressure on the side of his foot to avoid limping. He also doesn't bend his leg a lot when walking and it just looks different to me. Last week at work they decided to move desks at work. I guess Bryan doesn't speak up about his injuries and that he shouldn't/can't do normal things. He ended up helping them move the desks and he was in pain for days afterwards. I felt so bad for him. He was also supposed to be off work at 4:30 instead of the normal 6:30 all week due to the Holiday. He ended up getting off most nights at his normal time instead of early. This just made the pain worse and he pays for it for weeks.

In the end though we find ways to cope or adjust our lives accordingly. I am proud of Bryan for always trying and not saying no I can't. He has come a long way but I am afraid he will be in pain forever. I also felt his knee the other day where the H.O. was removed last May and I think it is growing back. I really hope not.

Our 5 Year Anniversary

2010-05-29T10:29:00.000-04:00

Was spent in Ambergris Caye, Belize. We have been married 5 years and honestly it has been the most challenging 5 years of my life. I knew marriage was going to be hard but I never imagined it would have been this hard. Since we managed to survive the worst (we hope) of it we decided to take a trip. We left on the 18th and arrived to rain. We ate a cultural dinner of yummy Belizan food our first night there. We awoke the following morning to more rain but that wasn't going to slow us down. We visited guests services and decided to take a trip to the Mayan ruins.

We spent an hour and a half on a boat in the pouring rain but my amazing $30.00 jacket kept me mostly dry. We got out of the ocean where we followed the New River along the Mangrove trees. We saw some bats, bromeliads, and orchids that I have never seen before.

We then docked in a town of Bambo. It was very impoverished and there was a baby that lived in this small village. There was a traveling nurse that pulled up while we were there and weighed the baby in the back of the van and gave her an immunization. They didn't have running water and they were trying to sell the goods that they had made. We then hopped on a bus and followed a bumpy road to the ruins. We were standing there looking how how huge and amazing these ruins were and learning about the history when we noticed a rain cloud. We had climbed one of the smaller ruins and when we got to the top it started raining. Bryan was worried about climbing the steep steps back down without falling. He got down them before the bottom truly fell out.

We then stopped by this resort in the jungle and had lunch and headed back to the resort when we were finished. It didn't rain on the way back and we even saw a beautiful rainbow over the ocean.

The next day was our anniversary. I awoke to Bryan wanting to give me my present. He got me a beautiful diamond anniversary band for my right hand. I love it and have worn it everyday.

We decided to run down to the dive shop and schedule a snorkeling trip, and a two tank dive for Bryan, and a his big dive to the Blue Hole. We scheduled a trip to the Hol Chan and Shark Ray Alley for that day. We went and had breakfast at a nearby resort and then back to the dock to catch the boat. The snorkeling was fun and I have never seen sting rays that big before. They were at least 5 ft wide. We then decided to rent jet skis and run around the island. Bryan was in heaven. He was so happy and the water is just so amazing there. He was singing I love you to me and blowing kisses while we were racing down the island. It was so much fun! As he was pulling the jet ski up onto the floating plastic ramp he gunned it and cracked the front of the ski on the dock. We started to panic as we knew we had to pay for the damages. They said 50 US and we said OK. Whew we got off easy on that one.

Later that evening we had dinner at the 5 star resort Victoria House. I enjoyed bacon wrapped shrimp and Bryan had beef tenderloin. We had a delicious molten chocolate cake for dessert. It was very romantic.

Friday Bryan did a short two tank dive while I laid on a beach lounger and read a book. We laid by the pool for the rest of the day and went into town and had dinner at the Blue Water Grill.

Saturday we decided to kayak out in the ocean, parasail, and have a yummy dinner at Wild Mangoes. We went up 250 ft on the parasail and got some great views of the island.

Sunday Bryan left out at 5 a.m. to take a 3 hour boat ride out to the Blue Hole and dive. He noticed this guy on the boat that looked like a Navy Seal and he asked if he was. The guy confirmed what he suspected and Bryan was laughing later as the Seal threw up off the side of the boat while Bryan didn't get sick. He was pretty proud of himself. It was raining when I woke up so I read and ate breakfast. I get pretty sea sick so I didn't want to run out to the Blue Hole. I was nervous about Bryan diving that deep. I was waiting for him and he showed up at 5 p.m. He said he had a great time and there was a photographer on their trip so he ordered the pics and I will upload them when I get them. Bryan dove 140ft! I was so proud of him.

We ate dinner at Capricorn restaurant which was voted #1 restaurant in Central America. I had a pound of stone crabs and they were amazing! We were sad that our trip was drawing to a close but we had a great time. I truly felt like we have turned a corner and are finally getting to a good place. This is exactly what we needed.

Military Spouse Appreciation Day

2010-05-07T20:23:00.000-04:00

Today is Military Spouse Appreciation Day. I didn't mention it to my husband until today and he was upset he didn't know so he could do something nice for me. I told him I wanted nothing more than a thank you. He did that and was really sweet and flirty about it.

I never imagined that I would be a Military Spouse. I grew up only 45 minutes from Ft. Campbell but never knew it until I became an adult. However I never regret it for a minute. As a Military Wife the only PCS I did was moving to Walter Reed. My mom was left to overseeing our packing because I needed to be with my husband. I didn't do a lot with my husband unit except I organized a Single Soldier Shower for those that lived in the barracks and came home to nothing from Iraq. I didn't get to see it through because Bryan didn't make it home with everyone else. I did however identify myself as a Milspouse but it didn't consume me.

I met some other milspouses before Bryan was hurt and I have only one that stuck around after he was hurt. They come and they go, lives move on, and their circumstnaces are different than mine. After Bryan got hurt I idenitified more as a milspouse than I ever did before. I met other wives who were going through severe injuries and we clung together. I was not only a milspouse but also at times had to join my husband at formation, fill out military paperwork, put together a uniform, and answer to his leaders. I felt that maybe I was always meant to be a milspouse. I like the structure although I hate the red tape. I like the patriotisim that the military and their spouses exude. I love all the different cultures I was exposed to and we now have friends all over the world.

It takes a special person to live this lifestyle and I am always in awe of the spouses who do it. They are so strong, couragous, outgoing, involved, and have an amazing love for this country. Happy Military Spouse Day.

Constant Chaos

2010-05-06T21:02:00.000-04:00

This week is no different, it has been a complete roller coaster. Sunday was my.... gasp........28th birthday. My mom came in for the weekend and we got flowers for all my hanging baskets and flower boxes. Everything looks beautiful now. Bryan got me some new Ray Bans and an accent chair for my living room. My mother couldn't head back to Nashville Sunday because of the floods. My hometown of Kingston Springs is under water. My parents body shop was spared with minor damge and my mom's condo just had water in the crawl space.

Yesterday I got word that my Dad was indeed really sick. He has been running a horrible fever over the weekend and it wouldn't go away. He had a major headache but wasn't able to get to a good hospital due the monsoon in Nashville. He got a spinal tap and they were thinking meningitis. His proteins were way high, his white blood cell count wacked out, and his calcium insanely low. I was scared. He was slurring his speech, his headache and the pressure was so bad the doctor could see it through his eyes. They put him on 8 medications and made an neurology appointment for today.

Bryan texted me yesterday and needed another doctors appointment. The third in 3 weeks. He has had a horrible cough for 4 weeks and being exposed to the sulfur fire in Iraq we never take our chances. He has another Upper Respiratory Infection, fluid in both ears, and sinus infection. Luckily the chest x-ray was clear. While he was there I got word that my nephew was born but he is 5 weeks early. There has been concern throughout the pregnancy but he is doing well for the most part. NICU stay for a little while but he is adorable.

I just wonder when will it slow down? I did get word today that my father's white blood count is back to normal and his MRI was clear. The fluid on his brain has drained off with meds for the most part. I was so scared, every girl needs her dad. Prayers have been answered and I hope he is on the mend.

The good news is that the Caregiver's Bill was signed by the President. I am so happy for those that need and deserve the help it will be so beneficial to the severely wounded families. I am also participating in a support group pilot program through the VA. The best support can be from those that have walked in your shoes. I am really excited to be a part of it. Also I have done some very interesting interviews lately. I will share more about that later.

Half Marathon and Funeral

2010-04-28T20:51:00.000-04:00

Friday after work I headed to Nashville for the Country Music Half Marathon. I have been training since January and other caregivers were doing it as well. As we were heading to get our race numbers Karie called me and I did my best to help her out in this horrible situation she was in over the expenses of the funeral. Honestly I am shocked that the VA only pays $3,000.00 dollars towards funeral expenses. Basically all 3K covers is an unmarked grave. It made my stomach wretch to think about the expenses she could incur when this is said and done.

After we got our packets my friend and I checked into our hotel. We headed out to the Melting Pot for dinner and practically had to be rolled out due to the amount of food consumed. Saturday morning we were up by 5:30 AM for the race. There were tornado warnings and heavy wind and rain was due to hit around 8:00. At mile 11 the policemen told us to evacuate. There was no way in hell I was quitting at 2 miles out. We toughed it out in the pouring rain and finished it. I mainly walked the race and ran some. My lungs were hurting due to the bronchitis and URI I had a week before. We dare not complained because we were able bodied and our husbands were not.

Sunday morning I got up had a quick brunch with my Dad and sister and started the drive to Alabama. I got in around 6:00 P.M. and had a cookout with all of Karie and Cleve's friend. I will tell you first hand that Karie handled everything like the strong woman that I always knew she was. We headed out to a bar after the cookout and hit the beach afterwards. Karie let a little bit of the sadness flow out and she had an amazing group of friends standing by to hold her as she let the tears flow. I am glad she let a little bit of the grieving process start, you can't be strong forever.

Monday morning was a day that we all dreaded. Most of us didn't get any sleep. Karie looked beautiful in her green chucks that she wore for Cleve. She was standing tall and strong like she always does. Her friend and I took care of some logistical stuff that needed to happen in the morning and gave Karie some time to be alone with Cleve. When we arrived she was still being so strong. The funeral was heartbreaking. I felt at a loss on what to say and most of the time I felt I wasn't helping at all. I never met Cleve but felt as if knew him. I knew Karie was hurting and in turn it made my heart hurt. It makes me angry when he has been through so much and then this happens, this is how it ends. Sometimes it is really hard not to question God when things like this happen. I prayed all day for her and I knew Cleve and God were watching over her.

After two deployments that Bryan has been through and being a Military Girlfriend/Wife for 7 years I have narrowly Taps. When I heard it a chill shot up my arm and to see that flag being folded and handed over my heart felt as if it were ripped out for my friend. Seeing her holding it so close to her made me want to scream "This isn't fair!" It is over now and he was honored by family, friends, and the Military. Now the grieving process begins and I hope that in all of this some peace comes to Karie and Cleve's family. RIP CPL Jimmy Kinsey.

Shattered

2010-04-22T18:23:00.000-04:00

Throughout the past 3 years I met a good friend named Karie. She is the wife of a wounded Marine. We developed a very close relationship as our husbands were going through recovery. We shared our darkest secrets, we never abandoned one another no matter how bad it got, she was always there for me and understood exactly what I was going through. She was the go to friend when things were rough because she has been there done that. We finally met for the first time at the caregivers retreat last May in Nashville. My husband was off on one of his tagents last fourth of July and I escaped to Karie's house for the weekend. We had so much fun together and laughed until we cried.

It felt like we had been friends for most of our lives. Lately our lives have been busy and have taken slightly different paths. Yesterday morning I woke up and read a text from her that her husband died. I gasped for air and Bryan started asking what was wrong. I started crying hysterically when I told him Karie's husband had passed. I got out of bed and stood in the shower crying. I cried because she is my sister. I cried because I felt some of her pain. I cried because we have lost another hero.

Karie called me while I was driving to work and we cried together. I can't imagine the pain she is going through. I want to take her pain away. I want to fix her I want to be there to tell her she will make it through this loss too. But I can't. I will not go into the details of his death. In due time I am sure Karie will share it on her blog. I will be going to the funeral. I don't care what hoops I may have to jump to get there but I am going. I love you Karie. You are my sister and a true friend.

Savel Abel Interview

2010-04-21T19:13:00.000-04:00

I got the opportunity to interview the lead singer Jared Weeks from the amazing band Saving Abel. Listed below were my questions and his answers. Also keep an eye out shortly after their next c.d. comes out as I will be giving some away.

You have a new album coming out June 8th, 2010. Where did you draw inspiration from for the new album? “Most of the inspiration for our new album, Miss America, came from most of our life experiences, but on the road we always try to write about things people go through everyday. How else can you reach them?”

How has your life changed since coming out with your first album?
“Life has change a lot since the last album. For example, I don’t know what a “day off” is anymore…Ha! We feel very blessed for all the places we’ve gotten to experience and all of the great people we’ve got to meet.”

Your song 18 days depicts how hard it is to be away while serving your country, what motivated this song?
“The motivation for “18 Days” is simple. The love of family and friends, and a life or place we call home is simply made possible by the men and women serving this country. Having been across seas and seeing how strong these men and women are is a certain reminder of how much appreciation and respect they deserve.”

Any weird encounters with fans that you have met while on tour?
“No…nothing really stands out” It was great all around”

You guys did a USO tour in Kuwait and Iraq on March 4th, how did it feel to entertain our troops?
“It was such a great experience going to Iraq, Kuwait and Qatar to play for our troops. It was such a morale builder for the band. It definitely raised our spirits. These soldiers deserve Rock n’ Roll more than anyone.”

Did you ever have a moment where you were scared for your own safety while in Kuwait?
“I never really felt scared while we were in the middle east. We had so much security from the USO. It was a comfortable experience. Although wearing the bullet proof vest and helmet did make me wonder about certain situations. I was quickly comforted with all the rifles that were around us, but more importantly on our side. Ha! Ha!”

What spurred the USO concert in Kuwait and Iraq?
“We have always been a military supportive band. We actually wanted to be part of the experience instead of just talking about it and thanking the troops every night at the shows. So we were given the opportunity to go and personally thank the troops ourselves. It was an honor and a privilege to go and be a part of something BIG.”

Did you have any moments while meeting with the troops that particularly stand out?
“One particular moment that sticks out most to me, was when we met the 198th Calvary “Southern Steel” at Camp Spieker. Most every troop there was from Mississippi! Some were even from our hometown in Corinth, MS. Just goes to show how small a world it really is.”

Do any of you have relatives or friends in the service?
“I have 5 uncles and 3 of the 5 were in the Army. I have two brother-in-laws….one a Marine serving in Afganistan, and one is in the Army Reserve. I also have friends who have died serving and they will never be forgotten”

You will be attending the milblogging conference on April 9 and 10th are there any particular milblogs that you follow?
“I’m not so much on blogs these days only because I don’t have much time, but I am definitely trying to get into this whole Blogging/Twitter thing”

My husband was severely injured in while serving his second tour in Iraq. Have you guys ever visited any of the wounded warriors at Walter Reed Army Medical Center?
“We have visited Walter Reed a couple of times and its always an honor to give back to those who are injured from serving our country.”

Supporting Our Veterans

2010-04-20T17:43:00.000-04:00

Lately I have been questioning Americans support of veterans. Our great friend from Walter Reed was featured in an article in the NY Times. I was so proud to read the article as we have always admired his strength and courage. I started to read the comments after the article and was completely disgusted and angry by most of the comments. I won't even repeat what was said but it was similar to the way Vietnam Vets were talked about. We have talked with so many Vietnam Vets and heard the horrid stories of how they were treated and I thought we were past that kind of treatment. With that being said I stated to get a taste of disgust in my mouth. I will repeat what the Wounded Warrior Project has said time and time again "It's not about the War it's about the Warrior."

However, today my faith was renewed in our Americans. I have had 3 sinus infections, bronchitis, and an upper respiratory infection since December. I have dealt with this all my life and I was headed to the Allergist once again. I was poked with 130 toothpicks with serum on my back and injected with 15 needles in my arm. I am allergic to Trees, Pollen, Mold, and Dust mites. The shellfish that showed up as a moderate allergy at my Endocrinologist didn't show up today. He told me to stay away from it since it did show up on my blood test. I was hoping to continue to eat it. I am also not allergic to my dog, which makes me very happy. As the Doctor and I were wrapping up our discussion of allergy shots and bee shots he asked if my husband was in the military. I replied that he was retired. He looked a bit confused since we are younger. I said he is medically retired. He asked what happened and I told him he was blown up in Iraq. He asked what his injuries were and I rattled them all out.

He stated that a colleague of his has a son that has a TBI and told me of his struggles. I asked the doctor to share my information with him as we would love to know other people in our situation and share some information. He then asked if we had family around and I told him they live in Nashville and around St. Louis. He asked if we had considered moving around family so we could have some more support and I said we had. Then he moved on to asking what I do. I replied I was a nanny and I am taking a break from Social Work. He wanted to know then how much my co-pay was and I told him $12.00. He said that he would cover it. I will be coming to get shots twice a week for 3 to 5 years and possibly forever depending on how severe the bee allergy is. He said he wanted to take care of it after all we have been through.

As I was checking out at the front desk the Doctor told the receptionist that he was covering my co pays. He said because of my husband's great sacrifice to this country. At this point it was everything I could do to keep my composure. They asked if he was in the military. I said yes he was but he was injured in Iraq and the tears started to flow. I said I don't know why I am crying it's been almost 4 years. They refunded my co-pay and handed me some tissues. They started crying with me.

I got in my car after thanking them profusely and cried my eyes out. I am so thankful that people recognize our veterans. I am so thankful to be married to someone who has made such a sacrifice for our country. I have renewed faith that everything is going to be OK and we are supported. Thank you Doctor!

Pressure

2010-04-18T10:27:00.000-04:00

My husband cracks under pressure. I am the one to order the food at the restaurant, pay the bill, drive us where we need to go. Sometimes it gets really old. Friday night we were eating at a Mexican restaurant. We both looked at our menus, closed them, and Bryan said "want to get the the same thing we always do?" I said "yes." When the server came around to take our order I had just stuffed some chips and queso in my mouth so I motioned for him to order. We always share chicken fajitas. The server asked what we wanted and he just stared at me. I am waiting for him to order, he stares some more. Finally with this confused look at his face he says "enchiladas?" I shook my head. He has never eaten enchiladas. I said chicken fajitas with a touch of frustration.

We went to look at plants on Saturday for the yard. I had him call the guy to get directions and see what time we could go. He didn't know what to ask when he called and started to stutter. I said ask if we can come by today and get directions. Finally 10 minutes later he got half of the directions and couldn't remember the rest. When we arrived Bryan let me talk to the guy and tell him what we were looking for. Two hours later it was time to pick out what we wanted and Bryan couldn't make a decision. I needed to go to the restroom and he was just sitting there and had no idea what he wanted to get. I finally made the decision and we got out of there. I can make quick decisions and he can not. We have been talking about the plants we wanted to buy for almost 3 years and when it comes time to get them he had no idea what he wanted.

I sometimes want Bryan to take charge. I don't want to settle the bill, drive ourselves to a date, make all the decisions. We were a little snippy at each other yesterday but by the end of the day we had a tickle fest and ended it on a good note. I guess I just need to be OK with making all the decisions.

Life at the moment

2010-04-05T18:58:00.000-04:00

I almost don't even want to say it but things have been amazing lately. I don't want to jinx it as my husband would say. I am not supersitious but maybe I should be?

Bryan has been amazing, I think this medication combination after almost 4 years is correct. I think the Hyperbaric treatment really worked and we are patiently waiting for the final results so he can continue treatments here. I haven't seen him have a temper tantrum since the laundry incident.

Bryan has been sleeping in our bed too, his legs have doing a little better as well. I think the warmer weather has an effect on his legs and mood as well. He has been taking the dog for a walk or going with me to walk her. He has worked late a few times which is hasn't done in over a year. Recently he was walking out of the door at exactly 6:30 but it's past 7 now and he hasn't left work yet.

I feel much more relaxed and less stressed. The next two months are insane with family events, special trips, and people visiting. We are excited and looking forward to the summer. I don't have any drama to report and he did get his orthodics done we are waiting on them to come in the mail. He got his huge box of tubes for his shrapnel test so next time he goes to the clinic he will turn them in.

Life is so good. I am so thankful to God and all the support.

Disinhibition

2010-03-21T10:55:00.000-04:00

Since March is Brain Injury Awareness Month I am going to share another brain injury term and how it relates to my husband.

Disinhibition: a decrease in the ability to control impulsive behavior. Disinhibited inviduals may speak and act without considering the consquences. They may appear impatient, quick to anger or to laugh. They may race off on a tagnet, interrupt others, speak loudly, and say inappropriate things, and have difficulty inhibiting sexual, agressive, and antisocial behavior. Disinhibition, a noticeable, active behavior, may be said to be the opposite of adynamia; however elements of disinhibition and adynamia frequently occer in the same invidual.

I have talked many times about Bryan's impulse control is little to none. Everytime I go out of town he dumps money out of the bank account. He will go and buy whatever he wants and not even think about the cost. He never thinks that the money he took out of the bank account were for bills or we need our savings for emergencies. Bryan tends to be impatient a lot. If he decides he wants to do something it needs to be right now. He also hoards money and hides it to buy expensive things he wants instead of just asking me to set aside money for whatever he wants. We have found ways to cope with these issues but they aren't fool proof. I think a lot of people with TBI tend to suffer from disinhibition.

Flooding

2010-03-18T15:12:00.000-04:00

I am reading a book called Over my head by Claudia L. Osborn. It is about a doctor who sustained a moderate closed head injury while riding a bicycle. It is a look into her brain and what rehabilitation was like. She often refers to the term flooding. I had never heard this term used before but when reading it I was able to understand that Bryan floods a lot too. Flooding when referring to a brain injury means: Overwhelmed by, or awash in, one's emotions. This can take place even though the flooded individual does not appear upset or distraught or even consciously aware of being under an emotional overload. In a flood, thought-processing slows, and thinking, language skills, and actions may be severely impaired. Flooding may be triggered by external events-the need to make a decision or immediately solve a problem; or from internal pressure- the awareness of one's own confusion, a sense of helplessness, the pain of one's loss of self.

I will give you an example of when Bryan floods. A couple weeks ago I asked Bryan to stop by Ruby Tuesdays and get us something to eat. I wasn't in the mood to cook and Bryan always prefers getting food to go. He went in and sat down at the bar to order. An hour later I called Bryan and asked where he was. He said he was still waiting on the food. I said oh what did you get and he said I got you what you normally get and myself nothing. I asked why he didn't order himself anything as it was 8 p.m. and he hadn't eaten dinner either. He said because it was busy in the restaurant and he couldn't remember what he liked. He said he remembered what I liked but couldn't decide on what he wanted so he ordered nothing. I felt horrible because here he is getting food for me that took forever and he isn't even going to eat. When he got home he looked really overwhelmed and disoriented. He said he talked to a lady who owned a resturant downtown but couldn't remember the name while waiting for my food but he still couldn't think of what he liked to eat. He ended up eating cheese and crackers and I ate my cold turkey burgers. My heart literally broke for him. How can he not remember what he liked to eat and he only got me food?

I am glad I now know the term for what he does. He was flooding because the restaurant was busy and he was overwhelmed and couldn't in turn make a decision.

TBI and the Military

2010-03-16T16:57:00.000-04:00

I received an e-mail from CareMeridian today. CareMeridian is a well known subacute and skilled nursing/rehabilitation facility located throughout the Western United States for patients suffering from traumatic brain injury, spinal cord injury, or medical complexities such as neuromuscular or congenital anomalies. March is Brain Injury Awareness Month and they wanted to share the following articles to my readers about TBI.

Traumatic Brain Injuries in the Military

Traumatic brain injury (TBI) is becoming a common wound of modern warfare. It has even been coined the “signature wound” of the War on Terror. While TBI is becoming more prevalent in wartime activity, many service men and women continue to go undiagnosed. Institutions, like the US Department of Veterans Affairs, are working to make quick and accurate diagnoses in order to prescribe appropriate and effective treatment.

TBI is caused by forced trauma to the head, either by being shaken or hit. The severity of a TBI varies from case to case, but symptoms range from mild concussions to a debilitating state. The majority of TBI’s acquired by military personnel are classified as mild traumatic brain injuries (MTBI). Initial symptoms of MTBI consist of loss of consciousness, disorientation, loss of memory, headache, and temporary loss of hearing and vision. They are often partnered with anxiety, irritability, difficulties processing information, limited concentration amongst other problems experienced down the road. While MTBI is most common amongst the men and women of the armed forces, more severe cases of TBI are happening much more frequently and often require the victim to attended specialty rehabilitative nursing centers, like CareMeridian.

The most common cause of a TBI in the military is due to blasts. There are three degrees of blast injuries where a TBI is common; Primary (due to blast itself), Secondary (due to objects being propelled by a blast) and Tertiary (due to a collision with a third party object). According to the Veterans Health Initiative, active male members of the military from the ages 18-24 are hospitalized with a TBI at a rate of 231 per 100,000 and females 150 per 100,000. Based on military force projections this would mean that 4,141 military personnel are hospitalized on average each year with a TBI, and these numbers often rise during wartimes.

The best prevention for veterans to avert the long-term effects of a brain injury is to recognize the symptoms of a TBI. Once the symptoms are identified an individual should take basic precautionary measures in order to begin the healing and recovery process until a more specific diagnosis can be made.

Service men and women give so much to protect this country and they deserve to come home to a happy and healthy life. Creating awareness about TBI will help ensure their long term health. By helping our veterans, their friends and their families recognize the early warning signs of a TBI, treatment can be sought as early as possible.

Giveaway

2010-03-15T17:58:00.000-04:00

I will be giving away a 4x6 Heavy Duty Nylon US Flag from CVSFlags.com In order to win you must comment on your favorite blog that I have posted and tell me why you liked it. You can get an additional entry by retweeting my blog and posting the link so I can see it.

Saving Abel USO Show

2010-03-04T19:46:00.000-05:00

Watch Saving Able's USO Show Tonight LIVE

Please watch, I will also be interviewing them and doing a blog contest to give away some of their cds.

Shrapnel

2010-03-03T18:01:00.000-05:00

My husband's body is filled with shrapnel. I think I have mentioned it before but his entire right thigh on the backside looks like pepper flakes were sprinkled all over his skin, he also has it in his wrist, and lower leg. He also has a huge chunk behind his knee cap. The doctors will not take it out as it would cause more damage but some does come out on it's own. We know that Iraqi's throw nails, concrete, scrap metal, and all kinds of horrid material into IEDs and therefore that is what is in my husbands body.

With that being said I got a call yesterday from Bryan's case manager at the VA in Johnson City. She was calling in to do her monthly check up and to ask it Bryan has shrapnel in his body. I explained that he had a lot in his body and she said there has been some specific questions that have filtered down from Washington that need to be answered. She asked Bryan to call and surprisingly he did call her. She asked a few questions and said that he needed to complete a 24 hour urinalysis. However they will not mail the container so that means a trip to Johnson City (4 hour round trip) and return the next day with the urine. He doesn't want to go there two days in a row. He is going there in a couple more weeks for the inserts for his shoes so hopefully he can get the container then and complete the test before he goes there the next time.

I am nervous about this as a wounded warrior wife friend of mine said that her husband's doctor mentioned there could be depleted uranium in the shrapnel and can make our warriors sick. I also read this article on the VA's website.

Toxic Embedded Fragments: Toxic Embedded Fragment Surveillance Center

Orthotics?

2010-03-01T17:12:00.000-05:00

My husband got up at 5:45 a.m. on his day off was on the road by 6:15 for his VA appointment at 9:00 in Johnson City. He arrived on time and ready to actually get his orthotics this time. I called him when his appointment was complete to see how it went. Well the employees didn't know how to clean the machine that makes the orthotics! Last time they didn't even have the machine this time they don't know how to clean it. It was another complete and utter waste of time. He will go back in a month on his day off from work for an earlier 8:00 a.m. appointment. How frustrating! I feel so bad for him someone needs to learn how to do their job!

Another thing that has gotten on my last nerve is our master shower. The whole thing was torn out and rebuilt for the second time. It was complete the beginning of January and we were waiting on the shower door. They had to remake it since the new tiles were put in properly so the new door wouldn't fit. They came out and measured it and ordered the pieces months ago. The first door showed up to the warehouse with the door installed backwards. They reordered the correct one then they came to install it and they were missing an angled piece. They said they would overnight the piece two weeks ago and Saturday they said they were going to install it. They never showed and the manager didn't know where the installer was and why he didn't show up. Frankly I am so tired of dealing with all of this. We have lived here 2 1/2 years and showered in our Master Bath about 4 months total.

Enough of my ranting we had a really good weekend overall. Something happened in the laundry room yesterday when Bryan was changing out his laundry and kicked off his shoes and threw a little fit. He didn't tell me what happened so I ignored him until he was done pouting. Other than that it was great! We worked hard in the yard on Saturday. I learned how to use the chainsaw and helped him saw tress and we burned them. Saturday night we met friends for dinner and had a wii game night here. Sunday I went to church (Bryan refused to go even with peer pressure), he met us for lunch, and then we ran some errands. He actually wanted to run errands with me and even got out in the cold to pump my gas.

I am heading to DC next week to visit friends! I am so excited! Bryan and Trix will have to survive without me.

"People who are sensible about love are incapable of it" Douglas Yates

2010-02-21T09:19:00.000-05:00

Things has still been great around here. I truly can't believe the difference. Bryan has been much more connected and a problem he has since he got hurt is no longer an issue. I will spare you the details but I will say it's made me very happy. Bryan did have more appointments at the VA clinic with his regular doctor and his psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago. They upped his Welbutrin again and I think that is a good idea as long as they never put him on Zoloft again.

I spent last weekend in Nashville with my sister. We went to see the Black Eyed Peas concert and we had a blast. We spent Saturday with my nephew and mom and then I met my dad Sunday morning for brunch at the Opryland Hotel. It was a great weekend. I got home around 4:30 on Sunday as it was Valentine's Day and Bryan had a dozen fuchsia roses, a spa gift certificate for me, and we made fondue at home. It was a really great night and he even helped clean up the dishes.

Even though things are great Bryan still struggles in some areas. One thing I probably haven't mentioned before is that Bryan does not sleep in our bed. He sleeps downstairs in the recliner every night. Sometimes he sleeps really good until 4 a.m. and then he will try to come to bed only to not sleep. I think Bryan's legs do better being propped up. While not sleeping in the same bed might be devastating for some married couples for us this is the norm. If he can get sleep we will do whatever it takes. When Bryan was in Iraq I would have done anything to have him sleeping safe and sound in our bed. I would love to have him in the bed but he doesn't rest there at all. I can make that sacrifice for him to get sleep.

Bryan has been doing really well with his impulse control but he did slip up when I was out of town. This is a side affect of his frontal lobe Traumatic Brain Injury. He took a large chunk of money out of savings for my Valentine's Present. It is really sweet that he got me such a nice gift but he should have charged it to the debit card. I also gave him the credit card so that he could rent the drill hammer from Lowe's to chip up the floor leveler in the basement that didn't work as planned. He didn't rent it but went to the Tanger Outlets to return some things and ended up charging 400 dollars worth of clothes at Banana Republic. I never spend that much money at once on clothes and I was upset that he did this. I didn't get into it on Valentine's Day when I got home but I did address the issue. He said he didn't look at the price tags and some of the shirts he got were $70.00 a piece. He said he was going to return them. I think we will do that today. He has always been impulsive when I am out of town. I am not sure why but that is when it happens. I hope that he can get back on track with this.

I am praying that the good things that are happening, continue. It's really hard for someone that deals with PTSD and TBI everyday to relish when things are good. I am always scared he is going to come home one day and the bottom will drop out. Bryan is extremely superstitious and maybe I am becoming that way as well cause I don't even want to talk about it as it might jinx it. For now though, I am going to try to be less cautious and truly enjoy it.

Top of the Mountain

2010-02-08T17:41:00.000-05:00

Everyday I climb a mountain. Sometimes I am unable to reach the top, some days I have to go around it, and some days I have to go through it. My mom and I talked about this yesterday and it was very interesting. At the present moment I am at the top of the mountain. We had a good weekend and did something I wanted to do (See Dear John) and do something he wanted (go to the range). I have to admit that Dear John made me emotional and afterwards made me mad.

We were very similar to the couple in the movie in the beginning of the movie. We wrote so many letters back and forth throughout the first deployment. I also kept a journal everyday and after the first 6 months I mailed it to him and then started one for the last 6 months. We were madly in love. My husband would wait for hours and hours in line to talk to me on holidays and he called me above anyone else. He would have my mom order flowers for me from him and we also kept audio recordings for each other and mailed them back in forth. I would video tape our house, as he didn't get to see it until he came home on mid tour and I mailed them to him. I kept every single letter as did he. Then during the second deployment the communication was better but he called every chance he got. It was usually after his mission and I knew he was safe for one more day.....

After the movie I started reflecting on how disconnected Bryan is now. How he doesn't call me if he has a free moment, he ignores his parents calls, he just tries to avoid communication at all costs. I talked with him about how I was feeling and I guess he reflected on what I said because the rest of the weekend was amazing. I texted him that I loved him today and I got one back. That is pretty rare for him. We will see how he is after work because that usually brings him down. As for today and right now I will relish in being on top of the mountain.

Waste of government cheese

2010-02-01T18:35:00.000-05:00

A week ago today Bryan had an appointment at the VA in Johnson City for orthodics. Bryan hasn't had any made since his feet were really swollen and I was hoping it would help with the heel pain so I asked his doc to make the appointment. He left rather early as it is a two hour drive. You have to be there 30 minutes early to check in so he was there on time and ready. He gets in to see the doctor and they said oh we don't have the machine to make orthodics here, it will be here in 6 weeks. Are you flipping kidding me? Why would they make the appointment for him to come up there if they don't even have the machine.

They said they would give him some temporary inserts and he could come back in 6 weeks. They are like souped up ones you would buy from Walmart. Since he has to drive so far the VA pays him milegage for driving there. It's roughly 75 dollars per trip so they wasted that money and made an appointment that was completely useless. Bryan was very upset and I wasn't there to know if he completely lost his shit on them. He wasted an entire day off work for an appointment that didn't help him at all. When is the right hand going to start talking to the left hand?

In better news Bryan's stop loss compensation was approved today. They were going to make the end date the date he left country but he explained that he was blown up and had to extend in order to complete a medcial board. Therefore they used the date that he had to extend for the med board. We got 9 months worth of compensation which we are greatful for, however he was extended almost 2 years past his ETS because he was blown up.Oh well we will make good use of the compensation and are thankful for it in this economy but it doesn't make up for the fact that he lives his life in pain because of the stop loss.

Skiing in Windham, NY

2010-01-31T11:33:00.000-05:00

We headed out to Windham, NY last week for an adaptive ski trip. When we arrived we had a few hours to kill before the last flight came in. While sitting in a conference room at the airport we got to know some of the other wounded warriors. Everyone was really friendly and I was looking forward to seeing my friend again that told me about the TBI treatment and that was on the alumni caregivers retreat with me. MTV was there filming us and we had a police escort to the hotel. The FDNY was there and they are always so caring and generous with their time.

The first day of skiing we met our instructors and headed down the mountain. It was great because I could ski every run there and my instructor and I just free skied. Bryan did really well and at the end of the day we did a couple of runs together. He has definately mastered the mono ski. I also skied a black diamond!

That night we headed to a dinner at a local church. This just explains how out there my husband can be at times. He got a beer at the bar while we were waiting on the shuttle to take us to the church. He takes the beer on the shuttle and we drive the half a mile down the road to the church. Then he tries to walk into the church with the beer. The older Vets that were there were like buddy this is a church you can't bring a beer in here. What was he thinking????? He normally doesn't even drink so that is what makes this even stranger.

The next day we skiied together most of the day. Bryan decided to ski in the NASTAR race course and the terrain park. He goes over the first smaller jump in the terrain park and landed it safely. Then he hits the next jump and gets major air. Every single one of us were thinking "Oh SHIT". We could see the whites of his eyes and he launches 9 feet into the air. We see the back of the ski pointed down and the tip way up. We were all thinking he wasn't going to land it. Some how he straightened the ski out and landed it. He managed to stop right before going over the biggest jump. I, of course, didn't have my camera on me so I didn't get a video of this. He said he would do it again the next day. We were all praying he wouldn't. Here is a picture of Bryan doing the NASTAR Race.

We were getting close to doing our last run of the day when we headed to the "C" lift to go up for our last long run. This lift is an older lift and has a very short time where it goes slow before it speeds up really fast. I skied up a little to far and my instructor had already gotten on the lift. Then it sped up. I reached my arm around to grab the chair so it wouldn't take my feet out from under me and I wacked my arm hard on the chair. It is medal and of course I hit the lower bar without a rounded edge. I hit it so hard I couldn't say anything. I hit it right above my elbow on the bone. We get to the top of the lift and get off. I pulled up my jacket, which mind you wasn't cut, and looked at the damage. My skin had about an inch long crack. They all said ouch that looks horrible and it was instantly bruised. I skiied the rest of the run and headed to the adaptive sports lodge. I pulled my sleve up to show our friends Kenny and Linda and instantly I had like 4 people on me trying to help.

Bryan's insructor decided that squiting 3 pumps of hand sanitizer in it was a good idea. I on the other hand wanted to scream a slew of explitives. The doctor there said she had peroxide and would have used that instead of hand saniziter. Thank you that is what I was thinking! They needed some steri strips to avoid stitches. Unfortunately we didn't get the strips till hous later so it was too late from getting a nasty scar. Oh well it was a good story and a scar I will remember I got while having fun.

Later that night we headed to the Brandywine resturant where fun times were had by all. We had open bar which lead to shots, wine, and dancing. It was a blast! It definately helped the arm feel better.

The last day we skiied for about 2 and a half hours before we boarded the plane. Bryan did that NASTAR race again and got a silver medal. That is apparently very hard to do especially on a mono ski so he was stoked. Here is a video of him skiing the course.

We were sad to leave but my legs needed a break. Thank you so much Adaptive Sport Foundation, Wounded Warrior Project, DSUSA, all the volunteers, and everyone who made this happen.

A big bummer was I came home with the flu and was out of comission for two days. No fun!

My Dog has PTSD

2010-01-19T21:45:00.001-05:00

I often times wonder if PTSD and TBI are contagious. Last night I was sitting on the couch my dog on her bed, and bam! The wreath that I had hanging on the front door broke loose from it's Command hook. She freaked out ran to the laundry room with her tail tucked and sat in there for about 20 minutes. She came back and laid beside me shaking for a good hour. I felt so bad for her because about 5 minutes after she laid down beside me I dropped the remote off the couch. She ran away for a second but since she had heard this sound before she came back.

The other night Bryan and I were talking and he was heightened. I refer to this term a lot with him because I just know something has triggered his PTSD or he is struggling and Trixie senses it. I pointed it out to Bryan that Trixie runs to the door that leads to the garage and lays on the door when he is heightened. I assume he never noticed that she does this every single time. He went over to her on the rug started petting her and aplogized to her.

I also say TBI is contagious because I forget everything. I wonder if it goes back to being in that survival mode for so long and also having so many things on my plate at once. Apparently I tell the same stories over and over to the same people but thought I hadn't told them yet. Sometimes I will repeat the statement or story twice in the same conversation. Luckily my friends are nice enough to say hey you already told me that. I am thankful for that as I had a co-worker that always told the same stories over and over. We were always so annoyed by this and we would even tell her she had told us that story 15 times but she would still tell it. I don't want to be like that.

Friday night we went to take some chopped up firewood to a buddy that Bryan works with. He asked the directions 4 times while I was in the car with him and he still couldn't remember. Finally I took the phone; called his friend, explained who I was, and asked if he could he repeat the instructions one more time. I am able to remember those types of things but not stories that I have already told. I just wonder if we have absorbed some of Bryan's conditions?

Reflections on Caregiving

2010-01-16T11:09:00.000-05:00

I think that when you have been a caregiver for so long it is really hard to let that go. You feel like you always have to be involved, that they can't do something for themselves, and that they will always forget. I admit that I have problems letting my caregiving duties go. I have lost myself in this. I no longer know my old self, I only know myself as the wife of a war wounded soldier. I am not sure what I like to do, I can't really think about my needs anymore, everyone asks first how Bryan is before myself. I tell them the truth but do they really want to know? Do they want to know that 3 1/2 years later he still struggles, more mentally than physically?

My entire relationship has been waiting on him, through deployments, trainings, getting well. I have been involved in this holding pattern since I was 20 years old. I learned at the caregivers retreat that we are always in survival mode. How do I let go of the feeling something is always going to go wrong? Bryan got 2 letters from the VA and 1 from the Vet Center yesterday. My immediate thought was yet another fight. They are changing something. Luckily it was just two appointments and one letter saying he hasn't been to counseling in months and is everything ok.

I feel like I am always waiting for the shoe to drop and that things always do. I am at that point again. The shoe is dropping but for the first time I am rolling with it. I am letting all of this go and I am making changes. I can't be a caregiver of him for the rest of my life. I have to think about me and what I want. Life is always evolving and I am ready for the next change. I found a quote the other day and it really hit home. I am going to end this post with it as it is very powerful.

"We have to realize that recovery is about us. It is us holding our own hand and leading our spirits through to a better, more peaceful approach to our own lives."

"The only journey is the journey within." Rainer Maria Rilke

2010-01-10T14:00:00.000-05:00

Often times through this journey I see bits and pieces of my old husband. He comes back to me but usually only for a short while. In the past month he has been here with be at almost all times. I have so much peace and feel that this treatment helped more than we will ever know. He has been helpful, engaging, and productive.

Thursday night he came home from work to say that BB King was going to be here Friday night and he wanted to go. It is so hard normally to get Bryan out of the house so if he wants to do something than I leap at the opportunity. Mind you that I also love BB King but that is beside the point. I called Friday and got us tickets. We were lucky to get any at all as it was last minute and he is a legend. I also got a gift certificate for my favorite spa here and spent Friday morning getting a massage, facial, and pedicure. Thanks Dad and Susan!

We got there and thankfully I was able to get an aisle seat but there still wasn't enough room for him to stretch out his right leg. We talked with the usher and they were very kind about getting the seats moved and also telling us the code word to use next time we book tickets so that he can have a handicap seat. I had asked for one when I called but they said they didn't have any. The concert was amazing and I was thankful to see Mr. King again. My mom, sister, and myself were at BB Kings blues bar in Nashville one night when he showed up and played for everyone. I would love to know more about his history and how he became famous for singing the blues.

He has diabetes and fights the pain and issues that stem from it to come out and play. It was hilarious when there was some feedback from his guitar Lucille and he pointed at her and acted like she had been drinking. He has a great sense of humor at 84. I hope to see him again one day if he comes around but thankful that I got to see him as I am sure his days are numbered. He also played way over his alloted time and that just proves that he loves what he does. I love the blues and it was such a great night.

On Saturday Bryan asked if my friend, her husband, and their son would like to come over for dinner and to play the wii. He has become friends with her husband and I am very happy that they get along. They also got a new puppy as they lost their 3 precious dogs when their house burnt. Their puppy is adorable and Trixie had a blast playing with him. We had fun playing wii tennis and bowling with them. Overall it was just a great night. It is amazing that Bryan now wants to have people over and has a good time while they are here. I think he has trouble making friends simply because he doesn't know what to talk about or no one will understand what he has been through. I know a lot of other wounded warriors have this problem too.

This morning I started my new job. I am no longer working where I was before because the program just couldn't get started. It is really hard for me to sit there and have no purpose I think this job is a much better fit. I am excited for the opportunity and will hopefully make a difference in their lives. Now Bryan and I are going to see Avatar at the IMAX. He has been wanting to see it but I am not too keen on sci fi movies. I have heard great reviews so we will go see it. I like the idea, however of the paralyzed Marine being able to walk again due to this new world he is in. Now if we could only get that to happen in real life it would be amazing. I read People Magazine last night and was happy to see a segment on soldiers that are soon deploying to Afghanistan. They were mostly very young and it broke my heart. I pray every one of them come home safe.