It has taken its toll on my mental, emotional and physical health.
In September, we were sitting in the hospital before my laparoscopy for endometriosis. I was calm and peaceful. I was ready to figure out what was going on and was hopeful that I would get pregnant soon after the procedure.
Bryan said he was really nervous about my surgery. Despite having three strong anti-nausea medications I was still very sick after surgery. He had to wait on me hand and foot. I didn’t like the role reversal but it was nice to see him step up to the plate and do it with ease.
We tried one round of oral medications after my laparoscopy and I didn’t get pregnant. We decided to step it up a notch and spend thousands on injectable medications. Bryan had to pop me with 12 injections over 12 days. It hurt but I was thankful that he was courageous enough to stick me, even though his shaky hands caused me to get stuck twice with the same needle. I hate needles and couldn’t do it myself. Once again it felt odd for him to care for my medical needs.
Unfortunately we didn’t get pregnant again. There was the possibility that all the medical interventions would result in five babies, due the large amount of eggs produced, but instead, we got zero.
I have decided to stop treatment. It was taking a toll on my emotional and mental well-being. I was stressed, depressed, throwing money away for something that wasn’t working and disheartened. Bryan had to pick up my crumbling pieces. Bryan had to wipe away my flowing tears and tell me that things were going to be OK. I needed him to care for me and he did it effortlessly.
I often times wonder why this is happening to us after all we have been through but it has given me more compassion and understanding for a whole new set of people. I’ve made friendships because of my infertility. I can understand loss and grieving more deeply. I can advocate and learn from those that can’t have children.
I am probably having another surgery by a specialist in Atlanta as soon as I can convince TRICARE that I need it. Unfortunately, the surgeon is out of network so I have to pay his fees. Infertility is robbing us financially, again. However, it will be worth it if I can get my quality of life back.
My end goal of this surgery isn’t to have children but to be healthy again. Bryan will have to take care of me and I will have to allow it. I learned the first time to let others care for me. It is hard for a caregiver to let others do things to help, but it’s necessary.
I do have to say that I am closer to my husband than I have ever been because of this struggle. I have realized which friends care and which don’t. I feel like a dark black cloud is no longer raining on my head since I stopped treatment and I am planning some really wonderful things for this year.
We will conquer and win over this challenge too.