When Bryan was just shy of ten years of active duty, he had planned on getting out of the Army so we could start a family. Then, the stop loss program prevented him from leaving the service; he deployed to Iraq and was blown up six weeks before coming home. The first couple of years after his injuries we were in survival mode and couldn’t even think about kids. During that time I was grateful that we didn’t have any children because it would have been much harder through his recovery and his PTSD and TBI issues. Once I started talking about having a family again, Bryan decided he didn’t want kids. He said “I can’t take care of you, what makes you think I can take care of a baby?”
Yet another cost of war.
This broke my heart. My dream has always been to be a mother. I have been a nanny off and on for so many years and have had motherly instincts since I can first remember. I knew fully what I was getting in to. We had a heart-to-heart in March, 2011, and with a little nudging he said he was willing to have a baby.
Since we started trying for a baby I have had issues with ovarian cysts and annovulation, which causes my body to ovulate irregularly. I switched to a new doctor in December because my old OB/GYN diagnosed me with polycystic ovarian syndrome(PCOS) and prescribed a diabetes medication without checking my glucose levels.
I liked the new doctor. He was pro-active and instead of making me wait he ran a bunch of tests, including a genetic test to see if I am a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. My blood work and glucose came back normal so there was no need for me to be on the diabetes medication, but I did test positive as a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. My heart dropped because if Bryan was positive as well we wouldn’t take our chances on having a child with such a life threatening illness. Luckily we found out that he was negative on all 33 strands. Praise God!
Since then I have been on two rounds of clomid, a mild fertility medication, neither of which have worked. I will be heading to an infertility specialist in April.
What is shocking and disheartening about this is that I am not a typical PCOS patient- I don't have an insulin resistance and traditional therapies aren't going to help. My only real issue is the annovulation and every few months I get an ovarian cyst. I work out, eat healthy, drink no caffeine and eat small amounts of sugar, doing these things are supposed to help with PCOS. I take care of my body but it isn't doing what it should. I wanted this one thing to be easy for me. Nothing in this entire relationship has been easy and this is not the exception to the rule. I have wanted to be a mother my entire life. Fertility medications don’t even work. I feel like my character has been tested enough. Why do I have to struggle with this too?
I wonder if the constant stress on me has caused these problems. I wonder why it was so easy for my mom and sister to get pregnant but not me. I feel like I wear a huge scarlet letter on my chest when we go to family functions. People ask me if I have kids and they ask when we are going to get pregnant. I just want to scream, “I CAN’T!”
We did everything right- we planned, we saved and had Bryan tested to make sure he wasn’t filled with toxins from all the shrapnel and exposure in Iraq. Bryan wasn’t making testosterone for years after being blown up but now it is miraculously on the low end of normal. We are praying he doesn’t have issues too. I am trying to remain positive but it is taking a toll on me.
I want my miracle. I am turning 30 in May and it is time for us to have a family. I have been holding on to this secret for a year and it is freeing to let it all out. I am not good at hiding things or lying to family members when they ask when we are going to have children. I am not good at struggling in silence. I do have a few friends that I am able to lean on because they are going through similar things. I am trying to remain hopeful and trust in God, but I question daily when or if it will ever be my turn.