When Bryan was just shy of ten years of active duty, he had planned on getting out of the Army so we could start a family. Then, the stop loss program prevented him from leaving the service; he deployed to Iraq and was blown up six weeks before coming home. The first couple of years after his injuries we were in survival mode and couldn’t even think about kids. During that time I was grateful that we didn’t have any children because it would have been much harder through his recovery and his PTSD and TBI issues. Once I started talking about having a family again, Bryan decided he didn’t want kids. He said “I can’t take care of you, what makes you think I can take care of a baby?”
Yet another cost of war.
This broke my heart. My dream has always been to be a mother. I have been a nanny off and on for so many years and have had motherly instincts since I can first remember. I knew fully what I was getting in to. We had a heart-to-heart in March, 2011, and with a little nudging he said he was willing to have a baby.
Since we started trying for a baby I have had issues with ovarian cysts and annovulation, which causes my body to ovulate irregularly. I switched to a new doctor in December because my old OB/GYN diagnosed me with polycystic ovarian syndrome(PCOS) and prescribed a diabetes medication without checking my glucose levels.
I liked the new doctor. He was pro-active and instead of making me wait he ran a bunch of tests, including a genetic test to see if I am a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. My blood work and glucose came back normal so there was no need for me to be on the diabetes medication, but I did test positive as a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. My heart dropped because if Bryan was positive as well we wouldn’t take our chances on having a child with such a life threatening illness. Luckily we found out that he was negative on all 33 strands. Praise God!
Since then I have been on two rounds of clomid, a mild fertility medication, neither of which have worked. I will be heading to an infertility specialist in April.
What is shocking and disheartening about this is that I am not a typical PCOS patient- I don't have an insulin resistance and traditional therapies aren't going to help. My only real issue is the annovulation and every few months I get an ovarian cyst. I work out, eat healthy, drink no caffeine and eat small amounts of sugar, doing these things are supposed to help with PCOS. I take care of my body but it isn't doing what it should. I wanted this one thing to be easy for me. Nothing in this entire relationship has been easy and this is not the exception to the rule. I have wanted to be a mother my entire life. Fertility medications don’t even work. I feel like my character has been tested enough. Why do I have to struggle with this too?
I wonder if the constant stress on me has caused these problems. I wonder why it was so easy for my mom and sister to get pregnant but not me. I feel like I wear a huge scarlet letter on my chest when we go to family functions. People ask me if I have kids and they ask when we are going to get pregnant. I just want to scream, “I CAN’T!”
We did everything right- we planned, we saved and had Bryan tested to make sure he wasn’t filled with toxins from all the shrapnel and exposure in Iraq. Bryan wasn’t making testosterone for years after being blown up but now it is miraculously on the low end of normal. We are praying he doesn’t have issues too. I am trying to remain positive but it is taking a toll on me.
I want my miracle. I am turning 30 in May and it is time for us to have a family. I have been holding on to this secret for a year and it is freeing to let it all out. I am not good at hiding things or lying to family members when they ask when we are going to have children. I am not good at struggling in silence. I do have a few friends that I am able to lean on because they are going through similar things. I am trying to remain hopeful and trust in God, but I question daily when or if it will ever be my turn.
22 comments:
Keep the faith. I had a friend who tried for three years to have a child and finally gave up. She had been through MANY doctors and MANY treatments but it went nowhere. A month ago she called me so excited to tell me that she was pregnant. It will be your turn. I will pray for you! Kids are a blessing and I know that you will be a wonderful mother!
Cheryl, it breaks my heart to read what you are going through. I hope and pray that the desires of your heart WILL be fulfilled and that you will be blessed with a healthy baby. I will be praying on your behalf.
I too have PCOS. I have struggled with infertility for the last 12yrs. Dont give up hope. I have a beautiful 6yr old daughter who Drs said we would never have unless we did invitro. While waiting for my first invitro appt I got pregnant on my own (with Gods help ofcourse). We have been trying again and I just recently had two failed invitros. I believe that God will send me another baby. I pray the same for you. Keep your chin up, don't get discouraged and when you least expect it God will send you a baby.
Cheryl, my heart breaks reading this. I can FEEL how much you want this and SEE how much you've been through to get to this fork in your road. I am glad you shared this so openly, that you aren't holding it inside, as people who love you and support you can do so even more ...and those who really haven't had a sense of the sacrifices that you and your husband have made will finally begin to understand.
It's easy to say, "Keep the faith" and mean it, but I have faith that this will all work out in its own time. If you ever want to talk, just say so.
Love you friend...I pray often for that dream to be filled, for you...for both of us. I wish I could come visit you and have some good girl time with a great chick flick and let the tears roll if needed. For now just know I'm praying.
As I was reading your post, I started crying. You put into words what I have been feeling. My husband is a wounded warrior dealing with PTSD along with his physical injuries. We have been struggling to get pregnant for 2 years now. I have PCOS and am currently on my second cycle of clomid. When you talked about feeling like you have a scarlet letter that is exactly how I have felt; I have just never been able to explain to others. And now because of our shared struggle, I can finally explain to my sisters how it makes me feel. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there. Keep the Faith!
Cheryl- I pray that things work out for you.
I never wanted kids (although everyone says I would be a great mother,) until I met and married my wounded warrior. We just started trying in December and in the few short months we have been trying, I feel the tug of my heart every time I see red.
I have not had the problems you have, but have sustained trauma to my reproductive system as a result of rape. My mind has been consumed by thoughts of fertility problems over the past few months and not knowing how my warriors service and injuries have affected his fertility is hard to digest. I also have minor concerns with my age (31) being a factor.
I have watched my friends go off birth control and conceive within a month or two... I know it's probably just anxiety but I can't help the fear I feel. (I also think that it's common for us, in these circumstances, to be scared of these things.)
I hope and pray that things work out for the both of us!
as you know we feel the SAME way, why can't just 1 thing be easy. I have come to accept the fact that it will never be easy, we need to redefine easy....maybe then it won't be so bad. Matt and I had fertility issues and then added on top of it losing one of the babies. I don't understand "why us" but what I have decided to say is that maybe it happens to us so it doesn't happen to someone else.....we can handle just about anything, well almost! It doesn't make it easier that's for sure, but knowing that God chose us for a reason, and someday we might find that out. i dont know if any of this makes you feel any better, call me if you ever want to talk about fertility issues, I am always here to listen and maybe even lend some advice since we have been through this.
Take care of yourself,
Tracy Keil
I'm going through a infertility struggle and have been trying things along with the clomid. Last month I did a fertility massage and tonight I did acupuncture for the first time. The fertility massage (in Nashville, TN) made me have the first cycle without meds in 8 months. I'm hoping that the acupuncture will have some fantastic results like that too.
I too, was diagnosed with PCOS when I was in the Marine Corps. The dr.'s told me that it was going to be very difficult for me to ever have children. My husband and I tried for over a year, and I ended up having a miscarriage as quickly as I found out that we conceived. I was devastated. Miraculously, my cycles linked up, and I became pregnant again several months later. Now, I have a 4.5 year-old daughter... and a 2.5 year-old daughter as well. The point is, don't give up. Don't let a doctor tell you that you can't have children. Because against all odds, somehow you will. It just means that when you do get pregnant, it will be more special. Especially in relation to the women that moan and groan throughout theirs. I didn't have any treatments, and keep your faith, it will happen when it is right. I still have PCOS, at least it has popped up again.. *sigh. But, you're not alone. :)
First, count your blessings. You're an American for crying out loud! You have family, friends, and a husband who loves you! Sure, you've had struggles and you're going to continue to have more. But, always remember that there are people out there who are worse off than you- some women who want to be mothers can't even afford health care to even attempt to take care of the road blocks.
Secondly, if you don't get pregnant by the time you think you should have, remember that it's not because God didn't want you to. It just means that your plan and His plan might not be the same. It's not always easy to understand. I just turned 30 and I've only seen it a few times in my life but you can be shocked at how things turn out. I suggest freezing some eggs just in case. Maybe open your heart to the possibility of adoption. Life has a way of blessing you but it isn't always according to schedule.
I am sorry that you are having these difficulties. I can relate as I too ovulate irregularly. It took me three years to get pregnant with each of my two children and both were a surprise because I'd given up. We actually were shocked to get pregnant a third time just last year but lost the baby very early on. It was very traumatic and I hope you never have to go through that. My hopes and prayers will be for you being blessed with a beautiful little bundle of joy. It really is a life changing experience and the most amazing gift and miracle.
Sorry my log-in isn't working right. Teresa
I feel your pain. My husband and I tried for 10 yrs to have a child like everyone else, it was so easy for them. We cried every month and asked ourselves why, what did we do so wrong? In 1998 we adopted our son, in 2000 we adopted our daughter, and in 2008, at the age of 39....our second son was born. The lord works in incredible ways and after 20 yrs of why,why,why the question was finally answered it was meant to be this way. Don't give up hope and at the same time don't try so hard. It happened for us after being told it would never happen, doctors are not always right and when it's your time tears of joy will fall endlessly. You will be in my prayers.
Aw Cheryl don't loose hope. thanks so much for sharing because now you will have friends and sisters praying for that miracle. god is the God of impossibilities :) and He will do according to His plans. I can see you ahve all the skills to be a mother and I will start right away praying for you. I also have PCOS but the difference is that since 7 years old I never wanted to have kids neither Victor but I have seen the sadness in friends who cannot, so I can imagine. I can only pray and I will do that. You are a person full of joy and hope contagious to others and I know for now we needed you but now should be time for you and having the baby you desire. With much love! Roxana
I also have PCOS. We tried for 6 years to get pregnant, then finally decided to try a Reproductive Endocrinologist. (I had charted and determined myself that I didn't ovulate, my regular dr never even ran tests for us.) The RE decided we needed to try Clomid, but I needed progesterone to start my period before we could start it. Well, I never got a period because the progesterone helped me get pregnant.
Looking back, the timing was perfect. Not so much at the time, since he was diagnosed with PTSD and TBI around 6 months in to it, but I really believe it was the best time for us. If we had already had a child when he was going through the worst parts of his problems it would have been so much harder to explain and help all of us understand what was happening.
I really hope its just a timing issue with you guys as well, and that you will be able to get pregnant too. You would be a great mother I'm sure!
First, I want to say how PROUD of you I am for sharing your story. You know I can identify with so much of it. I encourage you to continue to share your anger, frustrations, and fears in this journey. It helps so much and also helps to shed light on something that is still somewhat "taboo" and helps others who are struggling with the same thing.
Being diagnosed at 19 was traumatizing to me. Prior to this I had no idea it was so difficult to get pregnant. I always thought it just happened, for everybody. Even though I knew I was many years from getting married and having children, it hung like a black cloud over my head. Who would want to marry me knowing I may never be able to bear them children? It was awful. I was so young, nobody else could identify with my pain because nobody else my age had been diagnosed, had problems, or was struggling to conceive. I felt so alone and "different." I could not attend baby showers, celebrate with those who announced their pregnancies, be around pregnant women, or even catch a glimpse of baby clothes.
I can completely identify with you in the sense that I have cared for children more than half my life. I have spent most of my time as a nanny and preschool teacher, raising other peoples children and living in fear it may never happen for me.
It took me 2-3 years to really let it go and give it to God. I finally got the peace that if God wanted me to be a mom, if it was in His plan, only He could and would make it happen. This did not come easy. Every now and then I still wonder. Now, I'm divorced, not getting any younger, and wonder.
Getting pregnant with my now ex husband and losing the baby was yet another kick in the gut. It was almost a tease, well...it was. I pray that it's not the only time I get to have that joy, experience those symptoms, and know.
I encourage you to surround yourself with others who are experiencing the same thing or have walked in your shoes at one time. Surround yourself with people who understand. God has a plan for me and a plan for you Cheryl. I know nothing I or anyone else says will ease the pain, take away the burden, or erase the fear. Only you in your own time can be at peace with the situation.
Don't lose hope. Don't give up. Keep fighting for the child you so badly want to hold in your arms. It is worth it.
I will share a sermon with you my Church did on Hannah through FB. My Church embraces infertility struggles in a HUGE way, which was why I was able to let it go and give it to God. It helps so much.
Lots of love <3
Thank you for being so candid. we are going through the same thing and please know you aren't alone in this. We're both 31, we feel like the clock is ticking, and getting our life back on track has just made the desire stronger. Again, thank you for writing this, I'm sure it wasn't easy, but I know for me it made a huge impact. <3
I am so sorry to hear that this. :( We struggled for over a year and a half and then finally got pregnant with our little boy through our 2nd IVF. I hope you guys never get to that point, but if you ever have any questions along the way you can always feel free to e-mail me. Stealing_baby_kisses@yahoo.com
I am so sorry you have to walk this path. There is really nothing I can say to make it all magically not hurt anymore, but I wish I could. Just know we are praying like crazy for your body and for your heart throughout this. I don't know what its like to struggle with getting pregnant but I struggle to stay pregnant. We've had so many early losses and it hurts so much to want a child that badly but not have one in your arms. Lots of hugs and prayers for you guys. You WILL be an awesome mommy!
Sending you positive thoughts. Sorry that it is hard for you guys.
Oh Cheryl, I saw a link to your site. And this is the question that keeps running around in my head. My husband is a policeman with chronic complex PTSD and I also have PCOS plus other issues there and told I need to have babies in the next couple of years. I'm 29 in June and one of the things that truly frightens me is that I am going to miss out. That we're going to miss out. I've asked myself the same question of whether the stress has caused this for me...would love to see research done on connection of reproduction issues in partners of people who suffer from PTSD.
Cheryl...keep your chin up. PCOS here as well and tried for 7 long years on a cocktail of "helpful" fertility meds. Wanna know what it was? My body did not produce FSH. So simple, but my American fertility docs never once tested for it. My German doc did, got me on the proper meds and boom...exactly 10 months later my eldest was born.
Have them test your hormone (FSH and LH) production if they haven't!
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