I have been feeling some sadness since Saturday night. We were invited to a get together with our friends, and all of their friends, at their house. I was really looking forward to it and Bryan said he would come along. The problem is that our friends had a lot of friends there and it was just too overwhelming for Bryan. I am so thankful that he tried going but part of me feels so sad that he just can’t handle it.
We started out in the kitchen and someone we had never met was talking to us, asking what we do, etc. Bryan could barely focus on what he was saying and he left the guy hanging a few times on his questions. Finally, we just ended the conversation and moved on. I started talking to my friend and her friends and felt so guilty leaving Bryan in the kitchen alone and overwhelmed. I excused myself and I asked if he was feeling overwhelmed. Of course he said "yes" so we moved to a less crowded area.
Then he completely zoned out. His eyes glazed over, he tuned everything out and sat there, lifeless. He focused on the football game on TV that was playing with no sound. He cares nothing about football. I chatted a bit with the lady next to me but it just got awkward. Finally, I asked him if he wanted to go and he said he did. We stayed just over an hour total. As we were driving home I felt sad for him, and me. I want to be a normal couple that can go to a party and socialize with complete strangers.
I love that we are both handling our situation better but really, I just wanted to cry. I felt such emptiness afterwards. I am thankful that our friends understand and don’t get offended if we need to leave. But, it is hard not to compare my old life to my new life. I want it back sometimes. It isn’t fair that we have to stay home, or go to restaurants at slow times, or do the same things every weekend. I don’t want to go without him either but sometimes it is just easier.
These are what what low days look like.
22 comments:
Something many of us can relate to. I know I at least can. Hang in there and no that you definitely are not alone.
This really saddens me by hearing so many negative statements. “We can't... anymore, It isn’t fair… we have to stay home, or go to restaurants at slow times, or do the same things every weekend, I felt sad for him… I, I, I, I…..”
I don’t know this person nor have I been able to follow any other blogs of hers. I don’t mean to offend her by this comment. It’s just so typical of what we hear so much of by military spouses. My husband also suffers from PTSD but I guess you could say the one advantage I have over many spouses is that I too am prior service who also suffers with PTSD, first & secondary.
This article leaves out many details such as; how long have they been married? How many years with the military? How many tours did he do? How long has he been back? Are they in counseling or group support and if so what kind? Is he taking any mind altering drugs, compliments of the government medical supply? These questions may have been answered in previous blogs but again I have not been able to read them.
My comment from here is in general to all spouses. Sometimes it’s easier to deal with or understand it if you can put yourself in their shoes. You’re stripped out of your comfortable environment & thrust into a hostile war zone going from one to the other within hours. The climate and time zone change alone are havoc on the body then throw in the language barrier and the fact that you may have bullets or explosives whizzing by your head at any given moment. Bombs exploding all around and every object is a potential to be a bomb just waiting for you to walk or drive by. Even worse if one does. Let’s not forget the ongoing high alert adrenaline rush every time they are approached by any Middle Eastern person, to include women & children. God forbid if they had to take a life or lives or even lost friends over there and/or had to watch them die.
My husband did it all and much more, more than once. We are proof that with the right understanding, support, resource materials to work with, counseling and most important for us was, God & prayer… healing is possible. It may not ever go back to the way it was but whoever said life was fair? Sometimes we just have to accept the fact that we may need to learn how to live a new normal. Our journey to healing began when I contacted the MilitaryMinistries.org website and ordered a couple workbooks which led us into opening up our home and starting a support group for others in the same situation. It takes patience, understanding, commitment, work, unconditional love and faith.
We hope the best for this couple and for all who suffer… Only you can write the ending of your story. A good ending starts by renewing your mind… “We can again; life isn’t fair but it does go on and we can succeed; we don’t always have to go out, we can choose to have quite romantic evening at home together. We can look at the positive side of a less busy restaurant by enjoying longer time at the table to talk & enjoy a good meal without the deafening noise; instead of doing the same thing every week we can find ways to bring smiles and laughter back in the relationship or last but not least… instead of feeling sorry for him or self we can find ways to understand each other by talking more…
One wife to others…
To the author: How brave you are to share your thoughts out here in the open for everyone.
To "Anonymous:" If you bothered to click on anything on her page you would have found out from her bio that her husband was active duty army for 12 years. That he medically retired in 2008. That they've been married for six years. He's done tours in Operation Iraqi Freedom One and Five. Although both you and your husband both have PTSD as the author's spouse does, it does not mean that your both experience the same. This is her account, as she lives it.
Anonymous- I hope this isn't taken as an attack on you. You sound like you know what it's like to be wounded warrior and the wife of one however, it strikes me that you may not know what it's like to be a caregiver.
As a caregiver, we give up most of our selfish needs and wants to focus on our warriors and we rarely give ourselves to the sadness, frustration, and overwhelming responsibilities. What we do is sometimes pretty thankless and misunderstood and it's okay that on occasion we feel normal human emotions.
Cheryl- I know the exact feelings you described. My husband and I go through this as well. There are times I cry, there are times I scream, there are times I just sit resigned, but I never give up.... I allow myself to feel the range of human emotion without letting the negative consume me. Support groups and counselors have taught me that I need to allow myself that and that it's healthy.
Adding to what Bobbi Taylor said, this is a blog not a news article. It's a commentary on what Cheryl is going through right now and not really meant to teach anyone anything about what medical things that are going on right now. It's about how she felt after not being able to do something that they once did so well.
I'm so disturbed by the comment from anonymous....perhaps it would have made a lot more sense to read the rest of her posts and her information before your comment, then?
There are so many things wrong with your comment...first, HOW DARE YOU imply that we don't have the right to complain or be sad sometimes. PTSD is not only our spouses entire life, but it is our entire life also. We are women still loving and standing proud and tall next to our men, and even if they didn't have PTSD, I'm sure we'd still find occasion to bitch about them or our lives.
Also, we can NOT put ourselves in their shoes...it's foolish to think we could, and insulting to our spouses when we try...trust me on this one, I have tried. Great of you to tell us about what happens in war...did you have some doubt that we've paid attention, watched the news, listened to their stories or paid attention to their doctors?
It's also a nasty thing to assume God & Prayer are going to fix this...So what? God favors you and your spouse and the rest of them who are living good christian lives and praying daily just aren't in his graces?
Everyone has to find their path on their own...God may work for you...Therapy for another....Medication for someone else....Yoga and Meditation for another. We're all getting there in our own ways....
To me, it sounds like you are having a bad day, and letting your or our spouse's PTSD push you to the point where you are insulting someone who is out there to help.
Next time, maybe read a little more and answer your own questions before you jump.
(Can't remember my google log in...so have to sign it=)
Shannon Copeland
Thank your for writing this. There have been times when I have felt exactly the same way. I think it's OK to let yourself feel angry or sad sometimes.
And I wouldn't put much thought into the opinions of someone who doesn't bother to read your blog and posts anonymously.
Ahh. Dear, Anonymous.
Had you taken more than 5 minutes out of your day to read even one more post in this amazing woman's blog, you would have realized quickly that she is a positive, supportive and understanding wife of a wounded soldier. She had a bad week. Heaven forbid you have a bad week and tell someone about it, lest they chastise you in a similar manner.
For many of us, having a momentary vent on our blogs or in our forums simply allows us to release some of the pressure that can build up. These are things that we typically share with friends that haven't walked in our shoes. The majority of her followers are other wives of the wounded. This wasn't an article.... this is a blog, darling. A glimpse into her daily life.... which happens to include the bad days, too.
I lived most of my life with secondary PTSD. It does not carry the same baggage of being a caregiver. When you are a caregiver and wife and dealing with your PTSD along with your husbands', I think we're allowed to have moments where it's just too much to handle. I think we're allowed to be sad when we see our husband not functioning socially the way we have seen him in the past. It doesn't mean we don't love them or that we're complaining. It's a sad thing. It's sad for them to feel that uncomfortable in crowded social situations.... and it's sad and painful to watch them go through it. It doesn't mean we feel sorry for them or pity them. But should we not feel anything at all? Is it wrong to have feelings of grief when you mourn the life that you'll never have again? I think not.
Don't you dare discourage women to share their feelings because it doesn't paint the perfect portrait of a supportive military wife. You can be a Christian and be depressed. It's okay. It doesn't mean you've failed. It doesn't mean you're a bad wife. It doesn't mean you're a bad Christian. It doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.
When you see a fellow wife in pain, why would you knock her down? Shouldn't we all be rallying around one another, picking each other up when we don't feel like we can stand on our own? Should we be criticizing the coping strategies of our fellow wives?
Cheryl's heart is for helping other wounded warrior wives. This AMAZING woman that writes the blog that you're criticizing here... works with helping other wives of wounded military to find their healing in their own situations through Operation Homefront. Perhaps you should check them out. And direct your venting elsewhere, darling. It doesn't belong on the shoulders of the fabulous Cheryl Gansner.
I think some people should stop being so judgmental. It's her blog. She can say "I". She can say that they can't go out because they probably can't. She can say that it is different and that it sucks for HER because it is and probably does alot. She also says how she hurts for HIM. Just because someone suffers from PTSD doesn't mean that their partner is selfish if they admit to frustration & sadness over what has happened to their spouse and their life. Basically, if u didn't like it, move along. She wasn't complaining or being negative. She was expressing her self in HER blog, so offer some advice or some comfort or be quiet. I also have been diagnosed with PTSD, not military related, and I know its been a challenge for my army hubby. So hang in there. Let out your feelings when u can & love yourself as much as u love him. It doesn't matter your age or the length of your marriage and holding your feelings in will hurt you more than anything. Don't let this beat you. You two can make it through. Life will be different but beautiful always.
Thanks, as always, for being so transparent. Thanks for being willing to write when you are feeling strong and write when, on days like this, it's just tough. And thanks for how unselfishly you help other wounded warrior wives through the program at http://www.woundedwarriorwives.org
My husband also suffers from PTSD. He was pulled from an upcoming deployment due to this disease. As the Commander it has really caused a blow to his ego. He doesn't feel complete anymore.
We attend counseling together and solo, he also takes drugs to help him cope. One of the things I always did was put him first in trying to not make him stressed out even more. I learned that that was not helpful for me. I need to put myself first as well. It is ok for a military spouse to think about her/himself first.
He has become a hermit and will only go out if he has been drinking before hand and then continues to drink while we are out.
This situation is hard but we made a commitment to eachother 8 years ago for better or worse. There are days when I feel like it is to much to handle but I know that I could never be with anyone else but him.
Thank you for posting about your struggles with PTSD.
I found this link through my husband and my best friend. He was wounded in Afganistan and suffers from PTSD and TBI. I read Cheryls blog and felt she was talking about them.
We love both of them and their two boys unconditionally. We support THEM any way we can and pray for THEM every day. We know each day brings different challanges. You can do it! Don't give up! Continue to support each other!
Thank you for supporting each other so possitively.
Becky
Thank you for sharing your blog, Cheryl. Thanks for being so honest. As I was working today I kept thinking about how much I admire the wives that can put themselves out there and explain publically, in a dignified and respectful way, the challenges of being a caregiver and spouse of a wounded warrior.
Ms. Anonymous' post is the reason many of us do not do it. We don't want to be brought down by someone who is not familiar with our situation and makes judgements based on what they feel is reality. Truth is, I'm probably not strong enough to endure the comments from Anonymous and keep a smile on my face as expected from people like her.
Many have commented on your strength and contribution to other wounded warrior wives and I, too, sing your praises. You and your husband are the perfect example on how to conquer the obstacles of severe injury from war. You two are making a great life for yourselves and handling the challenges along the way with grace. It's not easy, I'm sure. Sometimes people mistake graceful as easy.
Thanks for sharing your heroic, ongoing story. Some us only wish we were so brave.
I have been following this blog and some of the other PTSD wives blogs for a couple of years now. Having been married to the same women for 43 years (41 of which are post Vietman combat service)I find it very insightful to read how you caregiver wives truly feel when situations arise. I see myself and my wife in many of the writings and can relate to the experiences. Neither of us are very capable of articulating our feelings when we are really being affected by the deamon and we tend to cope by waiting out the storm in silence. This is not meant to be a recommendation on how to handle anything, it is simply a statement of how we have conditioned ourselves to cope.
The point I hope to make to Cheryl and the other wives is that by your writings I have been able to better imagine how my wife must often feel. For me the post is not negative the fact that you say I,I,I,I is totally positive. It is honest and it is on target. And it is why I read these blogs. It expresses the way that you feel and I believe it probably expresses the way my with often feels also.
Please don't ever underestimate the good you are doing for all of us. My wife and I were living these struggles when no one was talking about PTSD. Then we went through a period when people who were talking were not well informed. Now we have people like yourself who truly know what it is like and are willingt to honestly share. GOD BLESS YOU ALL.
Cheryl,
Thank you for continuing to share the ups and downs of your life with all of us. Many of us have been in your situation before and it's heartbreaking to watch our tough men crumble in those situations. I can't even get Kyle to go in public situations. He has the same reaction your husband does, except ours is at family gatherings. If there is more than my parents and siblings there, he loses it. Nonetheless, reading your blog gives me hope for improvement and better things to come!
I recently watched The Help and I quote from there. "You is kind, you is smart and you is important"
Cheryl, without you, thousands of we Wounded Warrior Wives would have no one who understands the sacrifices *WE* make in this life. You give us a voice that people in high places look to for insight and input. Through your work with Operation Homefront you have enabled so many of us to get the respite we need combined with therapy, girl time and time to reflect on what we are doing right and what we need to do better. In my particular case, yo u not only helped to save my sanity but my life and my marriage from the ravages of PTSD, TBI, full time caregiving to a catastrophically wounded husband. Please do not ever let someone drag you down because for once *YOU* need someone to lean on and hear you frustration and sadness.
You are amazing. You are selfless, you are someone I aspire to be more like.
Cheryl, I am so sorry that you got a negative comment on here! You have been a lifesaver to me and my relationship. I know that those times are very hard when you realize what you lost. Like with everything we have to grieve for our losses and some things are harder to lose than others. When you are ready, try to find other ways to make up your social life. Find a couple of friends who feel like getting together (one or two other couples) for a game night. Play board games or video games. Try to find things that can help fill those missing spots in yalls lives. :)You have an "army" of wives behind you. Thank you for sharing your struggles with us! It is so nice to know we are not alone!
Cheryl,
Thanks for the honest account of what is going on in your family. It has to be hard to write; it has to be harder sometimes to endure. Your transparency is encouraging to inumerable familes. You know, your guest post on Family Fountain continues to be the #1 or #2 guest post written for my blog.
I'm glad to read the other comments of support. Here. And I agree with their assessments of the disparaging comment. It says something that they signed it "anonymous" instead of providing their real name. Their whole story may be made up. We don't know, since there is no way to check it out.
Persevere! And prayers for your family.
Oh, and I wanted to ask if you'd like to do an interview for Family Fountain sometime?
wb
Cheryl,
Thanks for the honest account of what is going on in your family. It has to be hard to write; it has to be harder sometimes to endure. Your transparency is encouraging to inumerable familes. You know, your guest post on Family Fountain continues to be the #1 or #2 guest post written for my blog.
I'm glad to read the other comments of support. Here. And I agree with their assessments of the disparaging comment. It says something that they signed it "anonymous" instead of providing their real name. Their whole story may be made up. We don't know, since there is no way to check it out.
Persevere! And prayers for your family.
Oh, and I wanted to ask if you'd like to do an interview for Family Fountain sometime?
wb
Anonymous,
How can I put this nice? You really are clueless. Wives complaining. We don't complain we do the very best we can to hold our marriages, kids and family together. I have been married 15 years. My husband was severly wounded in Fallujah almost 8 years ago. I completely relate to what Cheryl was expressing. She has no pity on her husband. Just like me I remember the days my husband lived without suffering. He was pain free and I would love for that to be true again. Cheryl and I both know it won't happen so we feel a sadness when we realize all we can do is guide them forward with our love and dedication.
I had the privilege of meeting Cheryl years ago. We have been good friends from that point. She has stayed at my house.(she even endured watching Twilight with me) She is a supporter of families of WW. She puts her self last to help others. She reaches out when I need her. Cheryl is an amazing person and I thank God she is in my life.
Cheryl...pity. I don't think so.
The wounds that our kids suffer are debilitating. I, too, am living this life. What makes it bearable for us is not to look at what we cannot do anymore, but to look at what we CAN do. When something bad happens, or when we get bad news, we look for the positive side of it. This is not an easy journey, and by no means am I suggesting that my journey is the same as yours, I am just merely suggesting how it is that we survive. My son lost both his legs, one at the hip, and lost the function of his right arm. He has fractures in his jaw, pelvis, arm and skull. He has TBI. There is so much he can no longer do, but instead of looking at that, we look for what he now CAN do. There is treatment out there for PTSD. I pray that you and your husband find the right treatment for him and for you, too. For now, don't go to big parties. Have small groups at your house. It might be just what he needs to reintegrate. There must be something bigger here, because he went to the army/navy game and has been in big groups before. Discuss this with his doctor, and do not lose hope.
God bless,
Kira
I think you've mentioned in the past how much you feel you have in common with special needs parents of younger children. As the mother of a son on the autistic spectrum, I do relate to this. And as the wife of a soldier, yes, I definitely see it.
Other people's normal isn't your own, and that really hurts sometimes. Little things like being able to socialize together --not apart, and not with one person worrying about the other, are things we used to take as natural.
Anyway, I hope one day he'll be able to find other ways to cope with being so overwhelmed. Until then, keep holding each other's hands. It's not easy for either of you.
Post a Comment