Where Are His Memories?

Over the Thanksgiving holiday we spent time with Bryan’s brother and his family. His brother reminisced about Bryan learning to drive and recalled that he was driving too fast. His dad, who was in the front seat, warned Bryan to slow down and he wouldn’t so his dad pulled the hand brake to make him stop. His brother asked Bryan if he remembered this story and he didn’t. After another conversation about another childhood memory later in the day Bryan’s mother asked if he remembered. Once again he had no recollection of the events they were talking about.

On the way home from his parents, a buddy on Facebook posted a quote from Bryan. It read, “ditch, ditch, DITCH!- Bryan Gansner”  This young man was driving the Humvee the night Bryan got blown up. I asked Bryan if he remembered the quote. He didn’t so I asked his soldier what happened. He replied,  “We were pulling an all-night OP before a morning raid on a village and we were driving along a canal. I was heading straight for square dip on the right side. He saw it and started saying ditch, ditch, DITCH! I was like what is going on right before I hit it and broke the rim. First time I changed a Humvee tire in body armor. It makes me laugh every time I think about it.” I asked Bryan if he remembered and he said, “It sounds vaguely familiar but no, I don’t remember.” We decided not to tell his friend that he didn’t remember as to not hurt his feelings.

I milled over these missing memories for several weeks. I have so many memories from when I was a child, rich with details and he remembers nothing. I wanted to ask if he remembered our wedding. It was a double-edged sword. If he says no, I will be heartbroken. If he says yes, I will be relieved but would want to know exactly what he remembered. Finally, I got up the gumption to ask him. I said “Do you remember anything about our wedding?” His response was, “Yes, I remember two things.” That sinking feeling started to tug at my heartstrings. I said, “Ok, what do you remember?” He said, “I remember you walking down the beach and you looked beautiful and I remember these people kept walking by us while we were trying to get married and it pissed me off.” I responded, “I am glad that you remember what I looked like but honey we did get married on a public beach in Kauai, Hawaii, so they had the right to walk by.” Now that I look back I see some re-integration troubles after his first tour to Iraq.

Part of me feels heartbroken that he barely has any memories and part of me feels like I need to get over it and continue to document new memories so that he can remember them. It doesn’t seem to bother him too much that he can’t remember his childhood, details from his deployments or even all the details of his wedding but I haven’t gotten up the nerve to ask and possibly open a can of worms. I wish those memories hadn’t vanished when that bomb went off.

(This is where Bryan was sitting in the up-armored Humvee. His seat is soaked with blood and the floor was ripped open by the IED.)