Identity

When I became a Wounded Warrior Wife in 2006 it became my identity. Caring for my husband’s every need was what came first and foremost. I spent my days at the hospital and my nights waking to give him medication or to calm him after a nightmare. We did everything in our power to find treatments, research symptoms, compare medications and figure out why things weren’t right. We did a lot of work together and being a WWW quickly became my identity.

I soon lost myself in his care. I followed him around, answered the doctors’ questions, spoke with case managers and filed the paperwork. I didn’t care for myself and I was fully immersed in his care. Further down the road of recovery I had to let things go. We both needed him to start caring for himself. I needed to quit being his mother. It was hard for both of us to let go. I felt anxious and grief when I did not attend his appointments.

Now, four years later, I realize that “wife of a wounded warrior” is no longer my identity. We don’t feel the need to tell everyone we meet that he was blown up. We have other interests than dealing with the VA, the army, benefits, and the frustrations of his injury. I started volunteering. I work longer hours at my job. I take care of myself. I feel that we are in a healthier place because of this.

I see others that are still wrapped up fully in that identity of wounded warrior wife. When you are dealt that situation, it is easy to feel hopeless. Trust me, I have felt that things would never get better or level out.

However, if we don’t let go of some of the stress and the workload, we will hold on to this as our identity forever. I know it is hard for those that provide 24/7 care to release that as their identity. I see those wives who are providing around the clock care also serve others or help out families in similar situations.

I truly feel that we were dealt this hand to not only help our own families, but so that we can give back to others. Wounded Warrior Wife doesn’t have to be our identity. It can be a vehicle to help others and a time to learn. If we can learn to let go, just a little, it comes full circle and we can use what we’ve learned in that role to help many, many others.

Mirroring

There is a term used in psychology that is called mirroring. Mirroring is the behavior in which one person copies another person usually while socially interacting with them. It may include miming gestures, movement, body language, muscle tension, expressions, tone, eye movement, breathing, tempo, accent, attitude, choice of words/metaphors and other aspects of communication. It is often observed among couples or close friends. We all do this naturally but I feel I do it even more when dealing with my husband in social situations and his PTSD.

To make Bryan more comfortable I mimic his tone and body language. My husband has never been an overly loud, animated, or bubbly person. I think the Army trained him to be calm, cool and collected at all times. For a very long time Bryan never got excited. In social situations it made him very uncomfortable for me to be overly excited or outgoing. When we entered a room full of people he darted to the corner. If I got too loud he said so in front of others. While it was embarrassing, I understood that it was just too overwhelming for him. Now, to make things go more smoothly, I mimic his actions.

I also repeat his words in the same tone when he is having trouble understanding so that he can hear what he asked or said before I respond. I never realized how much I do this until we are in a social situation. He is uncomfortable meeting new people so I follow his cues. I mimic his body language and pay close attention to his eyes and breathing. If he is flat in his expressions I try not to be overly expressive.

My personality is one that is outgoing and I get excited over little things. I love being high energy and outgoing but sometimes I have to step back and see if I am being detrimental to my husband’s level of comfort. Mirroring has drawbacks. When I mirror my husband, it takes away from my personality. Sometimes, I have to hold back. But, I think for anyone that is dealing with someone who has PTSD or a brain injury, it is important to mirror them. I am able to get Bryan out into social situations and make him comfortable. We all do it naturally, but those of use dealing with serious injuries probably make more of an effort.

Christmas and New Year

This Christmas was the most amazing holiday I think I have ever had. We attended a party with my husband’s co-workers at the bowling alley. His boss and I had a discussion that brought tears to my eyes. It was everything I could do not to burst into tears and hug him. I am thankful that he has such amazing co-workers and that they understand his situation and needs.

My husband was so excited on Christmas morning that he was childlike. We awoke to snow. It had been 17 years since Nashville had a white Christmas. That made me more excited for all the blessings that I received that day. The thing that meant the most was that Bryan attended Christmas Eve candlelight service with my family. Bryan has not been to church since he was injured and I was so thankful that he did. The tears wanted to come during the service but I choked them back. I felt humbled and overwhelmed with gratitude.

I was blessed with wonderful gifts and the comfort of being around my family. My husband had very few situations when he wanted to withdraw. It was so much fun to watch him play with my little cousins and shoot Nerf guns with them. It is amazing the difference a year makes. I can say that last year I didn’t have hope for the following year. I am so glad that I stuck it out.

The Monday following Christmas we headed to Washington D.C. Bryan and I brought a robot so that he could drive it on the field to deliver the game day ball at the Military Bowl Game. I know he was nervous that something would happen with the robot and it would malfunction. Luckily, it did not. He was prepared and had all the extra things that he needed. After the ball was delivered he drove a coffee cup to the ESPN reporter and shot some game day footage with the robot’s camera. It all went very smoothly. Unfortunately, the prior game ran over so the ball being delivered wasn’t shown on TV. Attached is the footage with the reporter.

We were able to visit with some friends while we were there and meet new friends. We met a Wounded Warrior and his wife for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory on Thursday night. She volunteers with Operation Homefront and does a lot for families like hers. It was so great to meet them and it felt like we had been friends for years. We really need someone like them, who understands, to live closer to us to hang out with. We had so much fun with them that we invited them to join us for a charity event on New Year’s Eve at the Washington Navy Yard. The event was for Pets2Vets which places dogs with veterans suffering from PTSD and TBI. We couldn’t think of a better way to spend the holiday.

They did have a loud band that played at the event which made it hard on our Wounded Warriors but they both coped really well. We left at 12:03 because Bryan just couldn’t handle it anymore. Overall, it was a wonderful trip and I am glad that we went. Life couldn’t get any better at the moment and we are looking forward to an even better 2011.

Robot Delivering Game Ball



NYE



I am also doing Project 365 and started a seperate blog for it. You can follow here.