What is worse is this is not the first time I’ve received this comment. If this person would have looked at the damage to Bryan’s legs, revealed by the shorts he wore that day, they could have seen the lasting damage. What they cannot see is the damage to his brain tissue, the incurable PTSD, the anxiety and the depression that all linger long after the deployment. Instead, I replied with a simple “he might appear OK but he still suffers,” and ended the conversation.
I don’t think people realize that statements like that hurt. My husband has both visible and invisible injuries. Sometimes people notice the scars on his legs and ask what happened. Sometimes they don’t. I know people don’t really know what to say to someone with serious injuries but saying he appears OK is not the best option.
My husband really tries his best at all times to hide his injuries. He overcompensates at work because he knows he is slower or forgetful sometimes, both side effects of the damage to his brain. He tries to fight his PTSD and go into large crowds, social gatherings or concerts but it is hard for him. Veterans who suffer from PTSD quickly feel anxious and often threatened among crowds or loud and noisy places. Their minds instantly transport them back to the places where they were injured. It is impossible to feel safe.
Bryan has spent countless hours in treatment. There is no cure for PTSD and the success of treatments varies widely from patient to patient. It’s a slow process and a disease that can be completely debilitating. Still, we work and strive for recovery.
I am proud of him for trying to fit in and not make excuses for how he feels. This week has been especially hard —he has had a headache every day, another side effect of the injury. To make up for what he sees as a weakness, he works late when he isn’t feeling well. Now, his headaches seem to be more frequent and won’t go away.
I just wish that people would realize that things are not what they seem. Don’t discount or degrade what others have experienced. Just listen and try to understand.
33 comments:
I think you have a lot in common with parents of special needs children. They often go through the very same emotions when people look at their child, and think "Oh, he looks fine." Well, that's true, but what they don't see is how long it has taken to get to the point of "looking" or "seeming" just fine.
That's the part that encapsulates the entire heartache of what you have both been through, that no one will ever quite understand unless they've been in your shoes.
Our own struggle continues to this day. This week he turned 21 --he's an adult. We have learned to accept he might never be on his own 100%, and we've watched over the years as other friends' children have passed benchmarks we thought would be his --college, well paying jobs. We have learned to be very happy when he gets a service star for customer service from the grocery store. The one thing true for special needs parents that is the same for you is the degree of uncertainty fluctuates.
Anyway, she didn't mean to degrade or belittle you. She is just unaware. But if she is worth getting to know, over time she will become more aware, and her empathy will grow.
You and Bryan are an amazing & strong couple. I love you for your tenacity and the willingness to fight this never ending battle!
I hear that so often as well. "Well what's really wrong with him - he looks just fine to me." Or he acts fine and he doesn't seem to be as bad as you make it sound. My personal favorite is "do you think he's just milking this PTSD thing so he can get away with acting like a jerk?"
Yeah that's it.
Usually those comments come from the same people who ask all of the ignorant questions about war in general. Even if I explain what's really going on I think it falls on deaf ears most of the time. Many people are supportive but there's still a lot of them who are completely out of touch.
I'm not going to say that I know that it must be hard for you and your husband to function on any given day. I do want to say thank you for all that your husband has endured to help make our country safe for all of us.
Thank you for sharing your story. My husband has PTSD. I also have heard "He seems fine". I really think sometimes no one really wants to take the time to understand what he goes through everyday. Prayers to you and Bryan.
First, thank you for your service to our Country. You both are heroes.
Perhaps you and your husband can find support and encouragement from RestMinistries.org. It's a site for those with invisible illness and chronic pain. I, myself, live with chronic pain and headaches, so I understand the comments like "but you look so good". Yet, I can't imagine all that your husband had to and has to endure daily.
Again, I thank you for your service and sacrifice. May God bless you!
My husband is a Vietnam vet with PTSD - sadly, the uninformed comments continue, and will. I can't tell you how many believe he can be 'cured' or can just will it all away. I'm sorry for every vet - and every spouse, family member, friend - who suffers the added reminder that PTSD is ever-present, but often unseen.
You & your husband - all who live with PTSD - are in my prayers. Thank you for being supportive & understanding of your vet.
There are also plenty of people who read well written posts like yours and ache in their hearts, are overwhelmingly thankful for your service to our country and pray every day for healing and strength for all our fine soldiers both home and abroad. We are praying for you and your husband. Day at a time.
My husband lost both legs in iraq 4 years ago and I get those same comments from people. Just because he can walk fine and do everything he has done before the accident doesn't mean his legs aren't killing him. He can't get into his wheelchair until it's bed time so being on his legs at work for over 12 hours a day gets painful.
sorry for what u nd ur husben have to go through,thid nd so many other thoughts have gone through my head about da problems my husben nd i might have to face from each of his deployments he has been deployed 4 times we have a lil girl of 5 yrs.old but each time he comes back deres sumthing about him dat has changed he tries to make things look like their ok but i know dat there's sumthing bothering him there have been a couple of times dat he would wake up jumping and sweated all olver i would ask him if he's ok nd he just dosen't answear me.a lot of people see a soldier that has been wounded on war and say o he got dem cus dey come with the job but they like what they do so they need to take it like a champ they knew what they wore geting dem self in to i always call dose people ungratefull.but what i will tell u nd ur husben is to keep on going god is with u all da way ur not alone there's more people like us dat stand behiend u for suport ignore all the ignorance nd keep your head up
Sadly, there are people who just don't care to think before they speak. I have alot of friends who work to overcome the physical and mental reminders of war. I was lucky to get out with just mental reminders, but have learned to cope with them. I thank you both for your dedication and service, and will include you in my prayers.
People say the same thing to me sometimes and it hurts. My husband luckily only received small visible outside scars but the internal ones are always presents and with us daily. Thank you for sharing your story. I no longer feel so alone trying to help my husband and keep the kids happy and myself happy while we move forward as a family.
As the mother to a disabled Iraq veteran who suffers with both PTSD & TBI as well, I completely understand this plight and its difficulties. My son has on the average of 140 seizures PER DAY, the never-ending headache, and the absolute fear in his eyes that he would never admit to when he feels threatened.
God bless you and yours. Remember that what God brings us to, he will bring us through. My heart breaks for those that suffer this 'unseen' injury that is so very devastating to their lives and the lives of their loved ones.
Will be keeping you and yours in my prayers. If you need to talk, you can contact me at www.EnlightenMe.info. Be blessed, Liza
First I want to say thank you for sharing your story and your feelings in this post. I know exactly how you feel. I have no idea how to explain what we have gone through to people who just don't understand. People do not realize that the unseen scars can be the most damaging. My husband has a TBI as well as PTSD. It has been a huge stuggle for us but finally we are winning. We have attended a group that has been started up in our area. We are stationed at Ft. Campbell and my husband's OT dr created a recovery group (REBOOT Recovery) that is a Christ center way of healing from PTSD. It has been a huge help to us and I have finally began to see healing in my husband and our marriage. I hope that things continue to look up for you and your husband. God Bless!
Thank you for writing this, my fiance is the same as your husband. He feels he has to work 10 times harder than anyone else just to prove he can still do thing, then he runs himself down so much he gets really ill and also has the headaches. With a newborn and a new job his stress levels went sky high so he also had to have his meds adjusted!
Now the ARMY thanks him by stopping his insurance and disability allowance because he isn't active duty anymore! It makes me sooooo mad that they damaged him and they say they look after their men but they aren't looking after him I am!
I am so proud of my man and I love him more than words can say, I will always support him and stand up for him when people try to say there is nothing wrong because you can't see it so I am happy to see I'm not the only one
Stay strong x
Thank you for your blog. My Dad was a WWII Navy Vet, my husband a USMC Vietnam Vet ( followed by a career in the Sheriff's Dept.) and my Son was Army 173rd Airborne injured in a training accident in preparation of Iraqi Freedom.
I too have seen all 3 of these men suffer when even I was uncertain why and what their behavior was about.
The beauty of your blog is to let women know that there is support and there are groups popping up across the country for spouses of combat Vets. The need is growing, facilitate, reach out and come together.
We can't cure PTSD we can find solutions for living with it.
Please educate the uneducated, but NOT unfeeling or inconsiderate, of us who would like you to know that we DO care, but quite likely don't or can't understand what you and your husband are going through. When I meet a wounded warrior I want him or her to know that I appreciate thier sacrifice and that I am aware of the struggle they go through on a daily basis - but anything I can say seems awkward and trivial so often times I don't say anything. Help me understand what I can say that would be appreciated and meaningful.
My husband was also diagnosed with PTSD and now that he is getting medically retired they say he is only suffering from Anxiety. Although he can't sleep, he has nightmares, he has anger issues,and many other issues that he wouldn't appreciate me stating. I have heard all to ofter "he seems fine" and can't stand to hear it. Since serving in Iraq in 2006-2007 he has had a back fusion, a knee operation, two shoulder operations, two wrist operations and has sleep Apnea on top of all of that! He receive injections in his knees for the pain. My husband is 39 years old and has been in the military for 21 years. He has paid a heavy price by serving and so have I. Having to watch him fall a part piece by piece. So my prayers are with you because I truly do understand.
Yes, there is a lot in common with caring for a special needs child. I am the mother of a 17 yr old special needs child and the wife of a soldier wounded in the line of duty. While my husbands injuries are primarily physical, our daughter suffers from PTSD, depression, RAD and Asbergers (high functioning autism). (adopted at the age of 10 from Russia). My husband is still across the state in the WTB, I am home with the 2 kids. Every doy is a struggle. Many many people comment of how fine a young lady our daughter is, I wish they could see into her brain...she isn't fine, neither is my husband who suffered a service disqualifying injury that is physical, but like others he works very very hard to disguise.
Don't we wish they all were "fine" !
Thank you for this post; it made me want to cry, because time and time again, we receive similar comments. My husband "appears" fine, but like you said, the damage that isn't visible is the most lasting and painful. Thank you for posting this blog and being strong, brave, and supportive of your wounded warrior!
I don't know what to say. I'm sorry for peoples' insensitivity. Yes, ignorance may be part of it, but insensitiviry is, too.
Thank you to you and Bryan for your service to our oountry, both several years ago, and now.
Do you mind if I post this on fb?
Sure Warren go ahead!
I had to post this again on my wall to make sure it was seen and shared more. It is important for Americans to understand what individuals like Brian go through daily. He like my husband, Chris, are physically wounded but you can't necessarily see those wounds when they are covered by clothing. They were in the hospital for countless days and still have unbearable pain today. I never understand why anyone would think it is appropriate to say "well you look just fine to me..or you can't be in pain because you don't take pain medications or my all time favorite, You just aren't wounded enough" It is hurtful and just ignorant. So please, if you have something rude to say keep it to yourself. I for one know my husband has his struggles without the added stress of individuals who don't want to understand what it's like trying and wanting to live a normal life after combat. It takes hard work and a toll on his body.
I also have a child with Down Syndrome. People can be cold hearted and there are those who truly want to know and understand. Those people I can figure out right away. The same goes with people who make these comments about my husband. Sadly there are people who just don't care. However, I am so blessed to have been able to meet and grow a friendship with you and Brian. I can't tell you how much I admire you. You have always been there when I needed you and I love you dearly. Some people will never understand but those of us who do know what amazing people you are.
Thank you for being you.
This is a common misperception that people outside "our world" have and I have had my share of run ins with the overwhelmingly growing population of ignorants...the funny thing is we have even had other vets who havent been able to aquire the rating that they think that they deserve so they bash on my husband because the worst of his injuries are the ones that you cannot see...and they make the assumption that he is just fine...I simply say to them...thanks for your service...these men go out of their way to appear normal so that they dont have to answer questions, get looks, or feel disabled...that takes alot of heart to build up and re-create yourself after suffering such a tramatic life altering event as having multiple injuries...especially the invisible ones that will torment them the rest of their lives not to mention what it does to the families...and I dont care what anyone says...having two prosthetic legs will never be equivelant or even close to having two naturally good legs...and having even one prosthetic leg can cause secondary injuries that you cant see...I wanna commend all of you women who have the life long task of sacrifice, constant support & care as well as being advocates...not all wives are cut out to be military wives and the ones who are may not be cut out to be wounded warrior wives...so the few of us who do make it through and continue on have standards to uphold...we will always share a common bond and an understanding for what it takes to live this kind of life...it will usually be harder than it is easy, but that's life and here we are!
I'm sorry for what you are going through. My stepfather was in Vietnam. I honor his service. He was wounded and suffered mentally and physically. I recently wrote this: http://tinyurl.com/64au22b
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Cheryl,
Just thought I'd let you know that your guest post on Family Fountain is the 6th most read article on my blog. And I have over 300 articles. Well done! And thanks for guest posting! If you ever want to write something again, just let me know!
This reminds me of something that has been going around Facebook:
"It's hard to explain to those who have no clue, it's a daily struggle feeling sick on the inside while u look fine on the outside. Please put this as your status for at least 1 hour if you or someone you know has an invisible illness: Anxiety,PTSD, Bi-polar,BPD,Lupus,Crohns, UC, MS, Diabetes, Arthritis, Epilepsy, Endometriosis, Depression, Auto-Immune, Aspergers, ADHD & Autism. Many illnesses are not visible."
Just because they look fine does not mean they are fine. I injured my back, then had back surgery, which made me worse. I live every day in chronic pain, but I get the "but you look fine" statement, too. I just wish people would think before they spoke. I also have a daughter with special needs. People won't understand unless they are in that situation. God bless! Melissa
I know exactly how you feel. My husband got into a chemical and he got a severe case of Rhumatoid Arthritus. No one understands that yes on the outside he may look fine but he really is not.
Just posted this article on fb. wb
Glad I found your forum. My Australian husband suffers from PTSD after active service in Somalia and Rwanda. Since we live in my home country, Denmark, it has been a bit of a long distance battle with Department of Veterans Affairs in Australia. I am winning the battles though and am now lobbying NATO (current Sec. Gen. is Danish) to create a knowledgebase on how best to support and look after veterans. I have been dicussing the idea with British and Australian women of veterans of setting up an international network of 'veterans wifes' for support, encouragement and political lobbying - it is the sharing of women like you girls that has gotten me through my darkest hours. What do you say -are the American veteran's wifes ready to join an international network? All best wishes from Denmark
I found your blog this morning and have read it the whole way through. I have watched you grow up in your writing. You go, girl. You fight for everything that your husband deserves!
I want to thank your husband for his service...my Dad was a Vietnam vet and had trouble with the VA ever since he retired after a 22-year career in the Air Force. I also want to thank you, because I know that the family suffers just as much (albeit less visibly) than the one who is serving.
I don't mean to equate my situation with your husband's...I feel embarrassed that I only suffer from neuropathy and myositis. But I do identify with those people who say "But you look so good." And i have written about it on my blog. I don't think they mean to be mean, but it hurts when they say it to me.
https://cowhornsllhook.wordpress.com/2011/09/10/
God bless you and keep you and give you peace daily!
My husband was injured in 05 by an IED. After 9 months of trying to save his foot he ended up getting an amputation.
5 years later we are doing well, for the most part. He still deals with the PTSD, TBI, depression, anxiety, and complications as an amputee.
I have dealt with the issue of people thinking he's fine more than I want to. I will admit, my husband is high functioning, but people on the outside don't see what he/we deal with on a daily basis.
People don't see the outbursts of anger, the battle with depression and anxiety, the nightmares, the forgetfulness, the flashbacks, the shadow of the man that was.
I no longer regret what we have gone through or what will go through in the future but I do resent the judgmental and insensitive comments people make.
As, the pair of you have, we have com to terms with the new normal. You inspire me... I wish I had the eloquence that you display in your writing. It's quite emotional to hear someone else relate their experiences and feelings and to know that they just took the words right out of your heart! Thank you and god bless!
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