To make Bryan more comfortable I mimic his tone and body language. My husband has never been an overly loud, animated, or bubbly person. I think the Army trained him to be calm, cool and collected at all times. For a very long time Bryan never got excited. In social situations it made him very uncomfortable for me to be overly excited or outgoing. When we entered a room full of people he darted to the corner. If I got too loud he said so in front of others. While it was embarrassing, I understood that it was just too overwhelming for him. Now, to make things go more smoothly, I mimic his actions.
I also repeat his words in the same tone when he is having trouble understanding so that he can hear what he asked or said before I respond. I never realized how much I do this until we are in a social situation. He is uncomfortable meeting new people so I follow his cues. I mimic his body language and pay close attention to his eyes and breathing. If he is flat in his expressions I try not to be overly expressive.
My personality is one that is outgoing and I get excited over little things. I love being high energy and outgoing but sometimes I have to step back and see if I am being detrimental to my husband’s level of comfort. Mirroring has drawbacks. When I mirror my husband, it takes away from my personality. Sometimes, I have to hold back. But, I think for anyone that is dealing with someone who has PTSD or a brain injury, it is important to mirror them. I am able to get Bryan out into social situations and make him comfortable. We all do it naturally, but those of use dealing with serious injuries probably make more of an effort.
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I honestly find myself doing the same. It somehow becomes not about me at all but more about making him comfortable. My husband would rather stay at home than to have people think there is something wrong with him. He has almost no short term memory left. So he has trouble with names and remembering what people have said to him just moments before. It doesnt want anyone to look at him with what he considers pity or feeling sorry for him. He has chosen pretty much a life of solitude to keep other people from realizing there is anything different about him than anyone else. I feel so lost sometimes because I have lost myself somewhere along this journey. My whole focus has become to protect him from his reality. I know this sounds silly. but it is our life.
I never actually heard of this as a coping mechanism. But God bless you for finding and following this process to aid your/my/our Wounded Soldier.
Wow! Thank you for writing this Cheryl!
I too find myself doing a lot of the same stuff with my husband.
We try to get out and do as much as we can, but we find ourselves more and more just being 'home bodies' and keeping ourselves busy around the house.
And when we do go out (even if it is to a family get-together), we don't stay half as long as we use to prior to everything happening to John.
I've adjusted to the way he is from what happened - but now I'm starting to find myself having a difficult time re-adjusting to not living in a military town and being around lots of other military families and spouses who can relate to our situation in some way.
Very true and interesting to think about.
I find myself adjusting the situation as well as mirroring for my husband who has PTSD but wants no one to know. We go out to restaurants & I immediately scan the area the server seats us in & I sit with my back to the exit so he can face it to see there is no harm walking through the door.
I also find myself adjusting my very outgoing personality for him as well when we are out with our friends. We have chosen to stay home now when invited to events rather then go & put him in a hard emotional situation. It is a huge adjustment for me & he knows it. He often tells me to attend certain things without him so I can enjoy it & be my loud boisterous self. We have learned that we don't have to do everything together & this has helped us a lot.
My relationship with my husband and I went south. I had my own personal problems and he had his own along with his injuries. He was very depended on me. Dinner was always made, house always clean and I found myself living only for him. No longer for me and my own future. We ended up seperating but dated only eachother. He was forced to grow independed and he has done amazing. I never got to celebrate my 21st birthday which was last May because I wanted to do it with him when he was ready to have fun in public. We went to a small club together recently and all we could do was stare at eachother in admiration with how eachother have grown. How we became our own people again and how our spark of love became a flame again. Not just a "I want to help fix you" feeling anymore. I actually moved in today. Sure we bicker, we still have our own issues but we became stronger as a team. Altogether, a result of a forced situation that originally broke our hearts ended up being the best decision we could have ever made. I like having my own identity but I will always be proud to be a WWW. :)
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