"People who are sensible about love are incapable of it" Douglas Yates

Things has still been great around here. I truly can't believe the difference. Bryan has been much more connected and a problem he has since he got hurt is no longer an issue. I will spare you the details but I will say it's made me very happy. Bryan did have more appointments at the VA clinic with his regular doctor and his psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago. They upped his Welbutrin again and I think that is a good idea as long as they never put him on Zoloft again.

I spent last weekend in Nashville with my sister. We went to see the Black Eyed Peas concert and we had a blast. We spent Saturday with my nephew and mom and then I met my dad Sunday morning for brunch at the Opryland Hotel. It was a great weekend. I got home around 4:30 on Sunday as it was Valentine's Day and Bryan had a dozen fuchsia roses, a spa gift certificate for me, and we made fondue at home. It was a really great night and he even helped clean up the dishes.

Even though things are great Bryan still struggles in some areas. One thing I probably haven't mentioned before is that Bryan does not sleep in our bed. He sleeps downstairs in the recliner every night. Sometimes he sleeps really good until 4 a.m. and then he will try to come to bed only to not sleep. I think Bryan's legs do better being propped up. While not sleeping in the same bed might be devastating for some married couples for us this is the norm. If he can get sleep we will do whatever it takes. When Bryan was in Iraq I would have done anything to have him sleeping safe and sound in our bed. I would love to have him in the bed but he doesn't rest there at all. I can make that sacrifice for him to get sleep.

Bryan has been doing really well with his impulse control but he did slip up when I was out of town. This is a side affect of his frontal lobe Traumatic Brain Injury. He took a large chunk of money out of savings for my Valentine's Present. It is really sweet that he got me such a nice gift but he should have charged it to the debit card. I also gave him the credit card so that he could rent the drill hammer from Lowe's to chip up the floor leveler in the basement that didn't work as planned. He didn't rent it but went to the Tanger Outlets to return some things and ended up charging 400 dollars worth of clothes at Banana Republic. I never spend that much money at once on clothes and I was upset that he did this. I didn't get into it on Valentine's Day when I got home but I did address the issue. He said he didn't look at the price tags and some of the shirts he got were $70.00 a piece. He said he was going to return them. I think we will do that today. He has always been impulsive when I am out of town. I am not sure why but that is when it happens. I hope that he can get back on track with this.

I am praying that the good things that are happening, continue. It's really hard for someone that deals with PTSD and TBI everyday to relish when things are good. I am always scared he is going to come home one day and the bottom will drop out. Bryan is extremely superstitious and maybe I am becoming that way as well cause I don't even want to talk about it as it might jinx it. For now though, I am going to try to be less cautious and truly enjoy it.

Top of the Mountain

Everyday I climb a mountain. Sometimes I am unable to reach the top, some days I have to go around it, and some days I have to go through it. My mom and I talked about this yesterday and it was very interesting. At the present moment I am at the top of the mountain. We had a good weekend and did something I wanted to do (See Dear John) and do something he wanted (go to the range). I have to admit that Dear John made me emotional and afterwards made me mad.

We were very similar to the couple in the movie in the beginning of the movie. We wrote so many letters back and forth throughout the first deployment. I also kept a journal everyday and after the first 6 months I mailed it to him and then started one for the last 6 months. We were madly in love. My husband would wait for hours and hours in line to talk to me on holidays and he called me above anyone else. He would have my mom order flowers for me from him and we also kept audio recordings for each other and mailed them back in forth. I would video tape our house, as he didn't get to see it until he came home on mid tour and I mailed them to him. I kept every single letter as did he. Then during the second deployment the communication was better but he called every chance he got. It was usually after his mission and I knew he was safe for one more day.....

After the movie I started reflecting on how disconnected Bryan is now. How he doesn't call me if he has a free moment, he ignores his parents calls, he just tries to avoid communication at all costs. I talked with him about how I was feeling and I guess he reflected on what I said because the rest of the weekend was amazing. I texted him that I loved him today and I got one back. That is pretty rare for him. We will see how he is after work because that usually brings him down. As for today and right now I will relish in being on top of the mountain.

Waste of government cheese

A week ago today Bryan had an appointment at the VA in Johnson City for orthodics. Bryan hasn't had any made since his feet were really swollen and I was hoping it would help with the heel pain so I asked his doc to make the appointment. He left rather early as it is a two hour drive. You have to be there 30 minutes early to check in so he was there on time and ready. He gets in to see the doctor and they said oh we don't have the machine to make orthodics here, it will be here in 6 weeks. Are you flipping kidding me? Why would they make the appointment for him to come up there if they don't even have the machine.

They said they would give him some temporary inserts and he could come back in 6 weeks. They are like souped up ones you would buy from Walmart. Since he has to drive so far the VA pays him milegage for driving there. It's roughly 75 dollars per trip so they wasted that money and made an appointment that was completely useless. Bryan was very upset and I wasn't there to know if he completely lost his shit on them. He wasted an entire day off work for an appointment that didn't help him at all. When is the right hand going to start talking to the left hand?

In better news Bryan's stop loss compensation was approved today. They were going to make the end date the date he left country but he explained that he was blown up and had to extend in order to complete a medcial board. Therefore they used the date that he had to extend for the med board. We got 9 months worth of compensation which we are greatful for, however he was extended almost 2 years past his ETS because he was blown up.Oh well we will make good use of the compensation and are thankful for it in this economy but it doesn't make up for the fact that he lives his life in pain because of the stop loss.