Skiing in Windham, NY

We headed out to Windham, NY last week for an adaptive ski trip. When we arrived we had a few hours to kill before the last flight came in. While sitting in a conference room at the airport we got to know some of the other wounded warriors. Everyone was really friendly and I was looking forward to seeing my friend again that told me about the TBI treatment and that was on the alumni caregivers retreat with me. MTV was there filming us and we had a police escort to the hotel. The FDNY was there and they are always so caring and generous with their time.

The first day of skiing we met our instructors and headed down the mountain. It was great because I could ski every run there and my instructor and I just free skied. Bryan did really well and at the end of the day we did a couple of runs together. He has definately mastered the mono ski. I also skied a black diamond!

That night we headed to a dinner at a local church. This just explains how out there my husband can be at times. He got a beer at the bar while we were waiting on the shuttle to take us to the church. He takes the beer on the shuttle and we drive the half a mile down the road to the church. Then he tries to walk into the church with the beer. The older Vets that were there were like buddy this is a church you can't bring a beer in here. What was he thinking????? He normally doesn't even drink so that is what makes this even stranger.

The next day we skiied together most of the day. Bryan decided to ski in the NASTAR race course and the terrain park. He goes over the first smaller jump in the terrain park and landed it safely. Then he hits the next jump and gets major air. Every single one of us were thinking "Oh SHIT". We could see the whites of his eyes and he launches 9 feet into the air. We see the back of the ski pointed down and the tip way up. We were all thinking he wasn't going to land it. Some how he straightened the ski out and landed it. He managed to stop right before going over the biggest jump. I, of course, didn't have my camera on me so I didn't get a video of this. He said he would do it again the next day. We were all praying he wouldn't. Here is a picture of Bryan doing the NASTAR Race.

We were getting close to doing our last run of the day when we headed to the "C" lift to go up for our last long run. This lift is an older lift and has a very short time where it goes slow before it speeds up really fast. I skied up a little to far and my instructor had already gotten on the lift. Then it sped up. I reached my arm around to grab the chair so it wouldn't take my feet out from under me and I wacked my arm hard on the chair. It is medal and of course I hit the lower bar without a rounded edge. I hit it so hard I couldn't say anything. I hit it right above my elbow on the bone. We get to the top of the lift and get off. I pulled up my jacket, which mind you wasn't cut, and looked at the damage. My skin had about an inch long crack. They all said ouch that looks horrible and it was instantly bruised. I skiied the rest of the run and headed to the adaptive sports lodge. I pulled my sleve up to show our friends Kenny and Linda and instantly I had like 4 people on me trying to help.

Bryan's insructor decided that squiting 3 pumps of hand sanitizer in it was a good idea. I on the other hand wanted to scream a slew of explitives. The doctor there said she had peroxide and would have used that instead of hand saniziter. Thank you that is what I was thinking! They needed some steri strips to avoid stitches. Unfortunately we didn't get the strips till hous later so it was too late from getting a nasty scar. Oh well it was a good story and a scar I will remember I got while having fun.

Later that night we headed to the Brandywine resturant where fun times were had by all. We had open bar which lead to shots, wine, and dancing. It was a blast! It definately helped the arm feel better.

The last day we skiied for about 2 and a half hours before we boarded the plane. Bryan did that NASTAR race again and got a silver medal. That is apparently very hard to do especially on a mono ski so he was stoked. Here is a video of him skiing the course.

We were sad to leave but my legs needed a break. Thank you so much Adaptive Sport Foundation, Wounded Warrior Project, DSUSA, all the volunteers, and everyone who made this happen.

A big bummer was I came home with the flu and was out of comission for two days. No fun!

My Dog has PTSD

I often times wonder if PTSD and TBI are contagious. Last night I was sitting on the couch my dog on her bed, and bam! The wreath that I had hanging on the front door broke loose from it's Command hook. She freaked out ran to the laundry room with her tail tucked and sat in there for about 20 minutes. She came back and laid beside me shaking for a good hour. I felt so bad for her because about 5 minutes after she laid down beside me I dropped the remote off the couch. She ran away for a second but since she had heard this sound before she came back.

The other night Bryan and I were talking and he was heightened. I refer to this term a lot with him because I just know something has triggered his PTSD or he is struggling and Trixie senses it. I pointed it out to Bryan that Trixie runs to the door that leads to the garage and lays on the door when he is heightened. I assume he never noticed that she does this every single time. He went over to her on the rug started petting her and aplogized to her.

I also say TBI is contagious because I forget everything. I wonder if it goes back to being in that survival mode for so long and also having so many things on my plate at once. Apparently I tell the same stories over and over to the same people but thought I hadn't told them yet. Sometimes I will repeat the statement or story twice in the same conversation. Luckily my friends are nice enough to say hey you already told me that. I am thankful for that as I had a co-worker that always told the same stories over and over. We were always so annoyed by this and we would even tell her she had told us that story 15 times but she would still tell it. I don't want to be like that.

Friday night we went to take some chopped up firewood to a buddy that Bryan works with. He asked the directions 4 times while I was in the car with him and he still couldn't remember. Finally I took the phone; called his friend, explained who I was, and asked if he could he repeat the instructions one more time. I am able to remember those types of things but not stories that I have already told. I just wonder if we have absorbed some of Bryan's conditions?

Reflections on Caregiving

I think that when you have been a caregiver for so long it is really hard to let that go. You feel like you always have to be involved, that they can't do something for themselves, and that they will always forget. I admit that I have problems letting my caregiving duties go. I have lost myself in this. I no longer know my old self, I only know myself as the wife of a war wounded soldier. I am not sure what I like to do, I can't really think about my needs anymore, everyone asks first how Bryan is before myself. I tell them the truth but do they really want to know? Do they want to know that 3 1/2 years later he still struggles, more mentally than physically?

My entire relationship has been waiting on him, through deployments, trainings, getting well. I have been involved in this holding pattern since I was 20 years old. I learned at the caregivers retreat that we are always in survival mode. How do I let go of the feeling something is always going to go wrong? Bryan got 2 letters from the VA and 1 from the Vet Center yesterday. My immediate thought was yet another fight. They are changing something. Luckily it was just two appointments and one letter saying he hasn't been to counseling in months and is everything ok.

I feel like I am always waiting for the shoe to drop and that things always do. I am at that point again. The shoe is dropping but for the first time I am rolling with it. I am letting all of this go and I am making changes. I can't be a caregiver of him for the rest of my life. I have to think about me and what I want. Life is always evolving and I am ready for the next change. I found a quote the other day and it really hit home. I am going to end this post with it as it is very powerful.

"We have to realize that recovery is about us. It is us holding our own hand and leading our spirits through to a better, more peaceful approach to our own lives."

"The only journey is the journey within." Rainer Maria Rilke

Often times through this journey I see bits and pieces of my old husband. He comes back to me but usually only for a short while. In the past month he has been here with be at almost all times. I have so much peace and feel that this treatment helped more than we will ever know. He has been helpful, engaging, and productive.

Thursday night he came home from work to say that BB King was going to be here Friday night and he wanted to go. It is so hard normally to get Bryan out of the house so if he wants to do something than I leap at the opportunity. Mind you that I also love BB King but that is beside the point. I called Friday and got us tickets. We were lucky to get any at all as it was last minute and he is a legend. I also got a gift certificate for my favorite spa here and spent Friday morning getting a massage, facial, and pedicure. Thanks Dad and Susan!

We got there and thankfully I was able to get an aisle seat but there still wasn't enough room for him to stretch out his right leg. We talked with the usher and they were very kind about getting the seats moved and also telling us the code word to use next time we book tickets so that he can have a handicap seat. I had asked for one when I called but they said they didn't have any. The concert was amazing and I was thankful to see Mr. King again. My mom, sister, and myself were at BB Kings blues bar in Nashville one night when he showed up and played for everyone. I would love to know more about his history and how he became famous for singing the blues.

He has diabetes and fights the pain and issues that stem from it to come out and play. It was hilarious when there was some feedback from his guitar Lucille and he pointed at her and acted like she had been drinking. He has a great sense of humor at 84. I hope to see him again one day if he comes around but thankful that I got to see him as I am sure his days are numbered. He also played way over his alloted time and that just proves that he loves what he does. I love the blues and it was such a great night.

On Saturday Bryan asked if my friend, her husband, and their son would like to come over for dinner and to play the wii. He has become friends with her husband and I am very happy that they get along. They also got a new puppy as they lost their 3 precious dogs when their house burnt. Their puppy is adorable and Trixie had a blast playing with him. We had fun playing wii tennis and bowling with them. Overall it was just a great night. It is amazing that Bryan now wants to have people over and has a good time while they are here. I think he has trouble making friends simply because he doesn't know what to talk about or no one will understand what he has been through. I know a lot of other wounded warriors have this problem too.

This morning I started my new job. I am no longer working where I was before because the program just couldn't get started. It is really hard for me to sit there and have no purpose I think this job is a much better fit. I am excited for the opportunity and will hopefully make a difference in their lives. Now Bryan and I are going to see Avatar at the IMAX. He has been wanting to see it but I am not too keen on sci fi movies. I have heard great reviews so we will go see it. I like the idea, however of the paralyzed Marine being able to walk again due to this new world he is in. Now if we could only get that to happen in real life it would be amazing. I read People Magazine last night and was happy to see a segment on soldiers that are soon deploying to Afghanistan. They were mostly very young and it broke my heart. I pray every one of them come home safe.