Last Doc Appointment, Christmas, and a New Year

I went back to the doctor last week for another ultrasound and guess what? I still had fluid but it wasn't in my tubes but next to it. She explained that this is called paraovarian cysts and they don't do any harm at all. Whew what a huge relief. What a roller coaster that doc put me on. I also got the all clear to not come back for 6 more months. That is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders! Between worry about my husband's health and all his appointments to dealing with my own I am exhausted.

We had a lovely Christmas party for Bryan's company here at the house. I ended up getting sick and went to the doctor the day of the party. I had a bad sinus infection and got on anti biotics. I was determined to not be sick on Christmas. By the time the party started I was tired, couldn't breathe, and had lost my voice. I took a handful of motrin (we have like a lifetime supply of that stuff in the house) and was able to pull the party off. It was a good time.

We headed to Nashville for Christmas and it was so much fun with it being my nephew's first Christmas. First off he is beautiful and adorable and I am not just saying that because he is my relative but he really is. You can judge for yourself.

We had a blast watching him open presents and playing with his toys. We had all the family over that night and Bryan did fairly well. When he needed the break from all the people talking he would just go somewhere quieter for a while. We ended up going to my moms friends house the next day. Bryan did pretty good not knowing most of the peopl there. Shortly after dinner though he was giving me the look that he was ready to go. I knew what it meant so instead of prolonging it we just got ready and headed home.

I had a really great time with everyone and we are so blessed. Even in this bad economy we all got extremely nice gifts. We are so fortunate.

As the new year closes I of course reflect back on the past year. It has been a roller coaster with another surgery, then the fight with the VA on Bryan's rating, to Bryan pulling himself off his meds and me being the most scared I have been in my life for his well being to health issues of my own. I have also reflected on the people that we have met on the trips that helps my husband adapt to his new life. It is amazing how people that have never been in this situation give their time to help our wounded soldiers. Even though humanity can be quite disgusting at times there are those that make you realize how beautiful life is. They give and give and never expect anything in return. We are so blessed for the people that we have met along the way and the wonderful wives who have listened along this road of recovery.

I have also discovered a few things about friends that I thought were friends but then they drop of the face of the planet when things get hard and I need to lean hard on them. I guess some are too self absorbed to ask how are you today? I am making it a goal to make sure I really ask and listen to those that mean the most to me. I am so thankful for several individuals that work for the Wounded Warrior Project. I am thankful that they did over the phone crises intervention when I didn't even know what to do or where to turn. To those that invited me to Soldier Ride even though my husband was too displaced to go. They made me realize that they are there for me and that they truly care for the caregivers.

We are so blessed beyond measure. Even though every year after Bryan was hurt is a huge emotional roller coaster, he is still here, thriving and trying his best to get beyond this. Thank you Dr. Harch for using hyperbarics and giving your time and energy to treat OIF and OEF service members. You are a selfless doctor and one that your peers could learn a lot about if they just listened. I finished your book today and I am impressed with your willingness to press forward for a nation wide acceptance of the miracle of hyperbarics. I hope that someday everyone who is in a crises situation can benefit from this treatment and be healed.

Here is to a hopefully more stable 2010.

I have been having a few health problems of my own again lately. I went for my annual at the OBGYN and she thinks she feels a cyst. I had an ultrasound a week later and sure enough I have cysts on my right ovary and shaggy lining. I knew the cyst was there as I had been feeling pain on the right side since September. She put me back on birth control which I had been off for about 7 months to see if my negative hormone levels would come back up. I really didn't want to get back on it but she said we have to get my ovaries healthy. The new pill worked the cysts are gone but now I have fluid in my fallopian tubes. This lead to another series of tests which were negative thank God. Now my other two options of what it means is it's nothing or the ugly cancer word which I refuse to believe what is going on. I go back on Tuesday for another ultrasound to see if it was a fluke and I am hoping that it was and it would be a great Christmas present.




Last month I was invited on an Alumni Caregivers retreat from the amazing women that put on the retreat in Nashville in May. I was very excited and looking forward to a needed break after the last few months events. I left on Friday and we all meet at the Palazzo Hotel in Vegas.

We reconnected with some of the wives that were on the last retreat and met some from the other two retreats. We headed to Mesquite, NV where the Eureka Casino and Hotel offered our hotel rooms free of charge. The mountain view was amazing and we had great counseling groups. I swore I wouldn't cry while telling my story as I never do to "normal" people but when I get around the wives the tears start to flow. I was the third one and the first two didn't cry. Not fair. Then it lead into everyone else crying from then on out. But we needed to let it out as we stay strong for so long and it's a safe place to let the emotions run free. I was so thankful to get closer to some of the women I knew from the last retreat.

The time change was a killer 3 hours behind my time zone so it was a little hard eating that late and waking even later. The casino was too much fun! We played blackjack until 6 am my time on Sunday morning and we were just cutting up and having fun. We also went bowling and the PGA Tour heard we were there and paid for our cocktails. Thanks guys! Sunday after our group we climbed a hill to view the mountains and got some great pictures. Then we headed to Vegas. We stayed the night at the amazing Palazzo hotel. One of the other wives and I bunked together and we were so giddy when we saw the amazing room. We headed to Margartiville for dinner and thanks to Jimmy Buffet we had a great meal and cocktails. Jimmy Buffet is a huge supporter of Wounded Warrior Project and we all appreciate his support. Then we gambled a little more and off to the Blue Man Group. I loved the show it was so amazing! We were so tired however we didn't live our last night in Vegas up. We headed for the plush beds and talked until we feel asleep.

I am thankful for the opportunity and soon I am going to be trained to be a peer mentor to help out newer wives that are going through this horrid experience. I am looking forward to being a listening ear for those that need it. I know it would have been great to have someone to turn to when I needed to talk or vent.

Bryan returned home, VA, and old ways

We changed Bryan's flight to come home on the 21st instead of the 24th. The change of flight cost as much as my round trip ticket did which sucks but I couldn't imagine him sitting there four more days with nothing to do. He also had to pay the 1,000 dollar deductible for wrecking the car when he dropped off the rental. He was also slapped with a 258 dollar ticket from the wreck. Lovely. I picked him up at the airport and we headed home for a delicious home cooked meal. I think he enjoyed it because he has been eating out for 5 weeks. The weekend went pretty good overall nothing major happened so I was thankful for that.

We headed out of town to Bryan's parents for Thanksgiving and we had a nice visit. The drive isn't too fun but traffic wasn't too bad considering. Bryan slept on the couch down in their basement as they have a double bed in the guest room and Bryan can't sleep on it with me. We got back Sunday night and I assumed Bryan would go back to work on Monday. His work said they needed to do a phone questionnaire before he could return. Well it ended up that they didn't have the updated return to work form so he had to fax it to the doctors office and have it signed and sent back. I knew it would take awhile because the doctor is very busy. It has been pretty tough on the bank account with Bryan receiving short term disability while at treatment and all the extra money going out for flights and the wreck. We will make it but it makes it hard to get all the Christmas presents we need to get.

Bryan had a VA Clinic appointment with Mental Health and his regular primary care physician. I went with him because I wanted him to be honest and upfront about pulling himself off his meds. When he told the doctor what he did her mouth dropped open. She was shocked. Bryan did admit that he realizes now that it wasn't a good idea. Thank God! They are trying a different medication called Abilify that is an anti-psychotic. What stinks is that it will take a week to get the medication, a week for it start to work, and many months to titrate up and get the perfect dose. We are literally starting over.

By Wednesday Bryan still hadn't received his clearance to return to work. I told him things were tight and it was Christmas so he needed to do what he needed to do to get back to work. Of course he got angry because I am "making" him go back to work. I feel at this point he needs to buck up and either find another job or enroll in school. Not working is not OK. It will not make him happy and it's not healthy. We got in a fight and it was the same ole song and dance of him wanting to sell the house because it's closing in on him, he is loosing his mind, he wants to move to Missouri, etc. I sometimes wonder where he comes up with all this? Its frustrating and exhausting.

He has leveled back off since then and even worked on the house today. We pulled up the carpet at the end of the stairs because our dog has ruined it. We are putting hardwood down and also in the entrance to the mother in law suite downstairs. I got the Christmas decorations up and cleaned house a bit. I hope things either improve or he makes some decision about his life. I am tired!