Benefit Halted

Here we go again. Bryan’s combat related special compensation payment for January never arrived. We waited and hoped it was a little bit behind due to the holidays but when Bryan finally called we learned they had stopped the payment. This benefit covers the cost of his hyperbaric oxygen therapy treatment and several other bills every month. We received no notice that it was stopping. Bryan receives this benefit because his combat injuries were not considered severe enough to grant him a medical retirement.  Instead, he receives this monthly amount as sort of a reduced retirement check. When he asked why the payments were stopped they said, “Because the VA sent a letter saying your rating was reduced and you only have sleep apnea.”
Last time I checked, he was blown up and his rating hasn’t been reduced.

About five months ago his case manager at the VA called to check on us and said he was listed in the system with only one condition, sleep apnea. I contacted the person she told me to contact to get his entire rating put in the system but I never heard back. I contacted his Federal Recovery Coordinator (FRC) and his VA case manager and made them aware of the situation. I asked CRSC if we could just send his entire award letter to them but they said no because the VA said it changed and the letter needed to come to the VA.

Both case managers have been trying to resolve the issue. We appreciate the help so much but at this point we are still waiting. It takes a long time to get things resolved within a government organization, so we are trying to be patient and hope the payment will resume next month.  It would have been nice if CRSC had given us a heads up and then we could have resolved the issue with the help of our hard working case managers, but we were given no warning. This is a random glitch and I have no idea which VA center sent the letter. In their system the entire award letter has now been inputted but we need a letter sent to CRSC saying it is the same.

I was hoping 2012 would be a year without worrying about benefits or evaluations but I need to just assume this is par for the course. We will get it resolved eventually thanks to our case workers but my patience and our budget is wearing thin.

Giveaway: "Home Front" An Eye-Opening Book

I was sent the book “Home Front” by Kristin Hannah a few weeks ago. I started reading the book last week and I haven’t been able to put it down since I flipped open the first page. I finally finished it last night and I am still thinking about it today.

The main character, Jolene is in the National Guard and her marriage is on the rocks when she finds out she is being deployed to Iraq. She has a teenage daughter and a preschool age daughter and she feels extremely guilty for serving her country. Her guilt is fueled by the fact that her husband rarely spends any time with the family.

While Jolene is deployed, her husband, an attorney, gets a shocking look inside combat PTSD. A client he represents kills his wife after returning from war.

The author did an amazing job of portraying the emotions that go along with preparing for a deployment and the guilt a warrior feels leaving his or her family behind.

I was captured by the book when Jolene described her experiences overseas, flying helicopters with her best friend. She experienced mortar attacks, enemy fire, hero flights, transporting the wounded and seeing horrific injuries. While reading the book I felt my emotions bubbling up in my chest. I kept trying to stuff them down but it was a very accurate portrayal of what our warriors experience in combat and it uncovered some emotions I haven’t felt in a while.

It wasn’t until Jolene and her best friend were severely injured and she lost part of her crew while taking enemy fire that the tears started to flow. It was much like our story. It hit close to home.

It was heartbreaking to read how hard it was for Jolene to learn how to walk again, relive her combat experiences through her dreams, reintegrate with her family and grieve her loss. Through this fictional book I understood a little bit more what it was like for my husband to recover from his devastating injuries.

The last few pages were very emotional for me. As it came to a close I started to cry then I felt I should just let the tears flow. I can’t remember the last time that I cried but, it felt good.

My husband was asleep on the couch and I woke him up and cried in his arms. I felt I understood more about him by reading the book. Thank you Kristin Hannah for writing about the struggles our wounded warriors face. It was truly an eye-opening book. Thank you for putting into words what my husband might have felt coming back, wounded, so that I could better understand.

I will be giving three copies away to my readers. Comment below on why you would like to read this book and leave your email address so I can contact the winners. If you aren't a lucky winner you can buy the book.

Coming Jan. 31, 2012

Pre-order the hardcover edition of Home Front at these online retailers:

• amazon.com
• barnesandnoble.com
• Indiebound.org
• booksamillion.com

Pre-order the e-book edition:

• Kindle
• Nook
• iTunes

Or you can check out Kristin's website.

We Can't Socialize Anymore

We used to have parties with soldiers all the time and we went out more before he got blown up. But not anymore.

I have been feeling some sadness since Saturday night. We were invited to a get together with our friends, and all of their friends, at their house. I was really looking forward to it and Bryan said he would come along. The problem is that our friends had a lot of friends there and it was just too overwhelming for Bryan. I am so thankful that he tried going but part of me feels so sad that he just can’t handle it.

We started out in the kitchen and someone we had never met was talking to us, asking what we do, etc. Bryan could barely focus on what he was saying and he left the guy hanging a few times on his questions. Finally, we just ended the conversation and moved on. I started talking to my friend and her friends and felt so guilty leaving Bryan in the kitchen alone and overwhelmed. I excused myself and I asked if he was feeling overwhelmed. Of course he said "yes" so we moved to a less crowded area.

Then he completely zoned out. His eyes glazed over, he tuned everything out and sat there, lifeless. He focused on the football game on TV that was playing with no sound. He cares nothing about football. I chatted a bit with the lady next to me but it just got awkward. Finally, I asked him if he wanted to go and he said he did. We stayed just over an hour total. As we were driving home I felt sad for him, and me. I want to be a normal couple that can go to a party and socialize with complete strangers.

I love that we are both handling our situation better but really, I just wanted to cry. I felt such emptiness afterwards. I am thankful that our friends understand and don’t get offended if we need to leave. But, it is hard not to compare my old life to my new life. I want it back sometimes. It isn’t fair that we have to stay home, or go to restaurants at slow times, or do the same things every weekend. I don’t want to go without him either but sometimes it is just easier.

These are what what low days look like.

Where Are His Memories?

Over the Thanksgiving holiday we spent time with Bryan’s brother and his family. His brother reminisced about Bryan learning to drive and recalled that he was driving too fast. His dad, who was in the front seat, warned Bryan to slow down and he wouldn’t so his dad pulled the hand brake to make him stop. His brother asked Bryan if he remembered this story and he didn’t. After another conversation about another childhood memory later in the day Bryan’s mother asked if he remembered. Once again he had no recollection of the events they were talking about.

On the way home from his parents, a buddy on Facebook posted a quote from Bryan. It read, “ditch, ditch, DITCH!- Bryan Gansner”  This young man was driving the Humvee the night Bryan got blown up. I asked Bryan if he remembered the quote. He didn’t so I asked his soldier what happened. He replied,  “We were pulling an all-night OP before a morning raid on a village and we were driving along a canal. I was heading straight for square dip on the right side. He saw it and started saying ditch, ditch, DITCH! I was like what is going on right before I hit it and broke the rim. First time I changed a Humvee tire in body armor. It makes me laugh every time I think about it.” I asked Bryan if he remembered and he said, “It sounds vaguely familiar but no, I don’t remember.” We decided not to tell his friend that he didn’t remember as to not hurt his feelings.

I milled over these missing memories for several weeks. I have so many memories from when I was a child, rich with details and he remembers nothing. I wanted to ask if he remembered our wedding. It was a double-edged sword. If he says no, I will be heartbroken. If he says yes, I will be relieved but would want to know exactly what he remembered. Finally, I got up the gumption to ask him. I said “Do you remember anything about our wedding?” His response was, “Yes, I remember two things.” That sinking feeling started to tug at my heartstrings. I said, “Ok, what do you remember?” He said, “I remember you walking down the beach and you looked beautiful and I remember these people kept walking by us while we were trying to get married and it pissed me off.” I responded, “I am glad that you remember what I looked like but honey we did get married on a public beach in Kauai, Hawaii, so they had the right to walk by.” Now that I look back I see some re-integration troubles after his first tour to Iraq.

Part of me feels heartbroken that he barely has any memories and part of me feels like I need to get over it and continue to document new memories so that he can remember them. It doesn’t seem to bother him too much that he can’t remember his childhood, details from his deployments or even all the details of his wedding but I haven’t gotten up the nerve to ask and possibly open a can of worms. I wish those memories hadn’t vanished when that bomb went off.

(This is where Bryan was sitting in the up-armored Humvee. His seat is soaked with blood and the floor was ripped open by the IED.)

My Wounded Warrior Family Selected For The Give Good Program

It was extremely hard for me to pick one person to receive the Gift of Good sponsored by Home Depot. I am one of those people that feels guilty when I can't help everyone. We had some amazing heroes apply but I selected a young wounded warrior and his wife. Their story touched me for many reasons, here is their story.

Nick was a flight engineer on chinook in the 160th SOAR special operations unit in the Army from 2001-2010. He loved his job. He volunteered for all his deployments, which ended up being 7 times to Iraq and Afghanistan. This was his career. Nick was part of Operation Redwing, where 16, 160th soldier and Navy Seals were killed when their chinook was shot down. Nick was part of the team to recover the bodies of his best friends. This was very hard for him. He remembers all of it and has visions of this horrible experience. This was very hard for his wife, Mary as well. When the information was on the news that one of their helicopters were shot down, Mary knew there was a one in four chance it was her husband. Mary had to wait three days to get word on the names of the soldiers that were in the crash. That was the longest three days of her life.

Nick deployed after the incident, and this time he was not so lucky. He was on a mission to pick up some Special Forces troops in the mountains of Afghanistan. They were trying to do a ramp landing when the number one engine failed in the helicopter. The chinook crashed and rolled down the mountain. All Nick remembers is that the helicopter was filled with smoke and he couldn't breathe. He helped some other guys get out of the helicopter and they ran as far up the mountain as they could before the entire helicopter was engulfed in flames and destroyed. By a miracle nobody was seriously harmed. The entire crew had to wait on the mountain for three days to be rescued.

After he came home from this deployment, a chinook from his unit was flying around in the states, like they did almost everyday. That chinook ran into a TV tower and crashed. The crash killed everybody on board except one. Two of the soldiers that died were on the crash with Nick just a few months before. Nick's unit was was small and close knit, so this was a huge blow for him.

A few months later, Nick started noticing blood in his urine. He went in for just some normal tests, and they couldn't find anything. They did a scope of his bladder, and at age 27 Nick was diagnosed with bladder cancer. He had to go through treatment for many months, and it was very uncomfortable for him. He has been cancer free for five years, but recently Doctors have found more blood in his urine. Bladder cancer is one of the most recurrent types of cancer, so they are prepared for more surgery and treatment soon. Hopefully it will be nothing, and they are hoping for the best.

He has severe PTSD from the war and cannot work. Nick tries not to leave the house. He has went from active and strong to an introvert and a recluse. His only communication is with his wife.

Nick suffers from PTSD, extreme migraines 8-10 times a month, IBS, herniated discs and strain in his neck and back, and surgeries in both of his knees. In fact, they just spent time in the ER last week because Nick's back is so bad that he cannot walk. He is 32 years old. They moved to TN from GA where we were stationed for 9 years.

Mary and Nick Yasenak need your help to win the $20,000 in home repairs from Home Depot. What I need you all to do is to stop by the Home Depot Facebook page and vote for my sweet couple.

I Didn't Want To Go

The first weekend in November I attended the second half of a two-part trip to NYC to meet with the Writer’s Guild of America. There were 39 other wives of wounded soldiers in attendance and it was sponsored by the Wounded Warrior Project. We were there to learn how to better share our stories and improve our writing skills. Both trips were fun, educational and full of camaraderie, but this trip was different than any I have been on before.

We went to the 9/11 memorial. I have avoided going for many reasons. This was my third trip to NYC in a year and I couldn’t bring myself to see the site where America was changed forever by terrorists. When those faithful towers fell I didn’t personally know anyone that was lost there and I barely knew anyone in the military and what the fall of those towers would eventually mean for them. I had the sinking feeling that because of 9/11 our country would soon be at war but I had no idea how it would impact me.

That morning I and all the other caregivers were feeling anxious. While I knew it would be emotional, I also knew I needed to go. I felt it was my duty to pay my respects and see for my own eyes what directly impacted every American at that time and still does today, ten years later. Those terrorists are the reason my husband went to war and why he eventually would be blown-up by a terrorist.

We took the bus to the sight. We were running a bit behind schedule and the bus driver was rushing to get us there. He got on the PA system and said he just found out that he was taking wives of wounded soldiers to the memorial and he said he was a veteran as well. We all started clapping for him. That is when my anxiety started to creep up. I felt it in every fiber of my body. I assumed I knew what impact it would have on me but didn’t truly know until I walked inside the museum.

There was a wall of faces and missing persons flyers. These families were offering rewards for their loved ones to be found. The faces were of those that died at the hands of terrorists.  There were pieces of the planes and towers. There was a constant video reel playing that told the stories of those that had suffered because of this attack. My heart started to ache. I could feel emptiness in my bones. I felt like I could vomit and I was choking back the huge lump in my throat. I wandered off alone. I couldn’t see the other wives. It would be too painful.

I walked to the basement and started to look at little children’s drawings of the planes sidelining the towers. I read letters from all over the world from people who wrote what they felt on 9/11. I turned around and there was my dear friend with tears streaming down her face. She looked just as gutted as I felt. I grabbed her and we sobbed for a minute together. I look over and my other friend’s eyes were the most crystal blue and tears were streaming down her face. I wanted to run away. It felt too heavy.

We decided to get out of there before our allotted time was up. We stood outside looking at the freedom towers that were being built around the place where the World Trade Center fell. There was nothing really to say to each other. A huge red truck pulled up with the American flag and POW/MIA flag waved in the back and it was blaring God Bless America. I had a rush of chills run up my spine as that song always brings me to tears.

We walked over to the giant hole in the ground that is now two sets of beautiful fountains. There was a massive fence to my right with all kinds of excavators still trying to clean up the mess that the towers made when they fell. I almost didn’t want to look at it. I felt like a voyeur staring at the massive gravesite of so many. It felt like hallowed ground to walk on as I know so many lost their family members there. I sent up a silent prayer to those who will always suffer because of that day.

The fountains were undeniably beautiful and breathtaking. I tried my hardest to get a beautiful picture but it doesn’t really do it justice. The glowing names of those perished were inscribed on the wall surrounding the fountains. I read them as I passed by and tried to envision what they were like based on their names.

When the tour was over I felt relieved that I went. I think I needed to see it for some kind of peace and closure. I am thankful that I got to see it with many other wives that were suffering the loss of our husbands at the hands of terrorists and war. I know my husband will never be able to go to NYC, the streets are too busy and loud. But, I am blessed with the opportunity to go and share my losses with those that understand. I will never forget.

After spending my afternoon thinking about the families that lost so much because of 9/11 I got an email from a widow whose husband was a firefighter near ground zero. I had posted on twitter about a new program for veterans suffering with PTSD at Holliswood Hospital in NY. She happens to have started the yoga program with this program at Holliswood and felt compelled to email me. We started emailing back and forth and realized that I stood where her husband’s fire station was, Engine 10 Ladder 10.

It was like it was meant for us to talk. I found comfort in knowing how her family is doing ten years later and how she used her tragedy to help families dealing with combat PTSD. What a blessing to be able to connect with her and personally thank her for all that she sacrificed on the day that changed America.

Giving the Gift of Good, $20,000 to Help a Military Family

Thursday I was flown to Atlanta by the Home Depot Foundation along with seven other bloggers. We were given the opportunity to give back to Quest 35. Their mission is to develop and implement affordable-supportive housing programs that service the special need homeless and/or low income populations. They were building a section of housing just for homeless veterans. I was extremely excited to give back and was thankful for such an amazing opportunity to give the gift of good.

While at dinner on Thursday night we got the news that were were going to be able to give good to a military family in our community by receiving a $500 Home Depot gift card to purchase holiday decorations for a local military family in need.

These families will also be entered into a contest to have Home Depot fulfill their “Wish List” of home improvements up to a retail value of $20,000. Items on the “wish list” are things that will make a real difference in the long term efficiency and comfort of the family’s home, including things like a new HVAC system, new carpet, a new roof and new windows. The winning family will be determined by votes on a Facebook application on The Home Depot page November 29th -December 9th and announced on December 14th. They have a one in eight chance of winning the large makeover.

If you know of a military family, veteran or wounded warrior that lives in Knoxville, TN and are in need, please have them email me at GiveGoodKnoxville@yahoo.com no later than November 19th.

To enter you must:

You must have proof of serving in the military.

You must prove that you are in need of this service. I will determine this on a case-by-case basis.

You must live in Knoxville, TN.

You must own your home.

In your email please include:

Name

Contact Information

City

Branch of Service

Your story/need

Here are some pictures from our service project.

                                                                             Before

After

The bench that Karie and I helped build

The blogger team

The almost completed veteran's homes

Check out the other bloggers that get to give the gift of good:

Pensacola/Mobile http://beingthewifeofawoundedmarine.blogspot.com/2011/11/recieve-20000-in-home-improvements-from.html

Northeast Connecticut area http://mymilitarylife.com/2011/11/14/giving-good-and-20000-to-help-a-military-family/

Montgomery http://www.perfectlyimperfectblog.com/2011/11/the-home-depot-give-the-gift-of-good.html

Northern California http://www.centsationalgirl.com/2011/11/building-benches-the-gift-of-good/

Nation wide http://militaryblog.militaryavenue.com/2011/11/home-depots-give-gift-of-good-contest.html

Austin, TX http://livingwithlindsay.com/2011/11/giving-the-gift-of-good.html